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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY(魔鬼詞典)

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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY


THE DEVIL'S
DICTIONARY


by AMBROSE BIERCE 

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THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY


AUTHOR'S PREFACE 

_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and 
wascontinued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906.In thatyear a 
large part of it was published in covers with the title _TheCynic's Word 
Book_, a name which the author had not the power toreject or happiness to 
approve.To quote the publishers of thepresent work: 

"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him bythe 
religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of thework had 
appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came outin covers the 
country already had been flooded by its imitators with ascore of 'cynic' 
books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and_The Cynic's 
t'Other_.Most of these books were merely stupid, thoughsome of them 
added the distinction of silliness.Among them, theybrought the word 
'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearingit was discredited in 
advance of publication." 

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the countryhad 
helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,and 
many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, hadbecome more 
or less current in popular speech.This explanation ismade, not with any 
pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denialof possible charges of 
plagiarism, which is no trifle.In merelyresuming his own the author hopes 
to be held guiltless by those towhom the work is addressed -- enlightened 
souls who prefer dry winesto sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and 
clean English to slang. 

A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the bookis its 
abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief ofwhom is that 
learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,S.J., whose lines bear 
his initials.To Father Jape's kindlyencouragement and assistance the author 
of the prose text is greatlyindebted. 

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A 

ABASEMENT, n.A decent and customary mental attitude in the 
presenceof wealth of power.Peculiarly appropriate in an employee 
whenaddressing an employer. 

ABATIS, n.Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish 
outsidefrom molesting the rubbish inside. 

ABDICATION, n.An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of 
thehigh temperature of the throne. 

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the 
Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely 
left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle --
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. 

ABDOMEN, n.The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, 
withsacrificial rights, all true men engage.From women this ancientfaith 
commands but a stammering assent.They sometimes minister atthe altar in 
a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverencefor the one deity that 
men really adore they know not.If woman had afree hand in the world's 
marketing the race would becomegraminivorous. 

ABILITY, n.The natural equipment to accomplish some small part 
ofthe meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.In thelast 
analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a highdegree of 
solemnity.Perhaps, however, this impressive quality isrightly appraised; it 
is no easy task to be solemn. 

ABNORMAL, adj.Not conforming to standard.In matters of thought 
andconduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to 
bedetested.Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward 
thestraiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. 
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death andthe 
hope of Hell. 

ABORIGINIES, n.Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of 
anewly discovered country.They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. 

ABRACADABRA. 

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By _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the 
answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? --a 
word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who 
grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. 

Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I 
only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age --
An immortal part of speech! 

Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, 
In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his 
wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His 
beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. 

Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear and 
hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "_Abracadabra, 
abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 'Twas all he 
had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the 
mystical speech, Which they published next --A trickle of text In the 
meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as 
leaves of trees; In learning, remarkably -- very! 

He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his 
wisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like an 
ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear 
Humanity's General Sense of Things. 

Jamrach Holobom 

ABRIDGE, v.t.To shorten. 

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary forpeople to 
abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions ofmankind requires 
that they should declare the causes which impelthem to the separation. 

Oliver Cromwell 

ABRUPT, adj.Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a 
cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are 
mostaffected by it.Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of anotherauthor's 
ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." 

ABSCOND, v.i.To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with 
theproperty of another. 

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Spring beckons!All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving 
and cashiers abscond. 

Phela Orm 

ABSENT, adj.Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; 
vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and 
affectionof another. 

To men a man is but a mind.Who cares What face he carries or what 
form he wears? But woman's body is the woman.O, Stay thou, my 
sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath 
said: A woman absent is a woman dead. 

Jogo Tyree 
ABSENTEE, n.A person with an income who has had the forethought 
toremove himself from the sphere of exaction. 

ABSOLUTE, adj.Independent, irresponsible.An absolute monarchy 
isone in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleasesthe 
assassins.Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of themhaving been 
replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign'spower for evil (and 
for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,which are governed by 
chance. 

ABSTAINER, n.A weak person who yields to the temptation of 
denyinghimself a pleasure.A total abstainer is one who abstains 
fromeverything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in theaffairs 
of others. 

Said a man to a crapulent youth:"I thought You a total abstainer, my 
son." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir, a 
bigoted one." 

ABSURDITY, n.A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent 
withone's own opinion. 
ACADEME, n.An ancient school where morality and philosophy 
weretaught. 
ACADEMY, n.[from ACADEME] A modern school where football 
istaught. 
ACCIDENT, n.An inevitable occurrence due to the action of 

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immutablenatural laws. 

ACCOMPLICE, n.One associated with another in a crime, having 
guiltyknowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a 
criminal,knowing him guilty.This view of the attorney's position in 
thematter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no 
onehaving offered them a fee for assenting. 

ACCORD, n.Harmony. 

ACCORDION, n.An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of 
anassassin. 

ACCOUNTABILITY, n.The mother of caution. 

"My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier:"Yes, yes," 

Said the Shah:"I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess." 
Joram Tate 
ACCUSE, v.t.To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly 
as ajustification of ourselves for having wronged him. 

ACEPHALOUS, adj.In the surprising condition of the Crusader 
whoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitarhad, 
unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by deJoinville. 

ACHIEVEMENT, n.The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. 

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.To confess.Acknowledgement of one 
another'sfaults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. 

ACQUAINTANCE, n.A person whom we know well enough to 
borrow from,but not well enough to lend to.A degree of friendship called 
slightwhen its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich 
orfamous. 

ACTUALLY, adv.Perhaps; possibly. 

ADAGE, n.Boned wisdom for weak teeth. 

ADAMANT, n.A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.Soluble 
insolicitate of gold. 

ADDER, n.A species of snake.So called from its habit of 
addingfuneral outlays to the other expenses of living. 

ADHERENT, n.A follower who has not yet obtained all that he 
expectsto get. 

ADMINISTRATION, n.An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed 

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toreceive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.A man 
ofstraw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. 

ADMIRAL, n.That part of a war-ship which does the talking while 
thefigure-head does the thinking. 

ADMIRATION, n.Our polite recognition of another's resemblance 
toourselves. 

ADMONITION, n.Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.Friendly 
warning. 

Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. 

Judibras 

ADORE, v.t.To venerate expectantly. 

ADVICE, n.The smallest current coin. 

"The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no 
less Than give him good advice."Said Jim: "If less could have been done 
for him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you would 
have done." 

Jebel Jocordy 

AFFIANCED, pp.Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. 

AFFLICTION, n.An acclimatizing process preparing the soul 
foranother and bitter world. 

AFRICAN, n.A nigger that votes our way. 

AGE, n.That period of life in which we compound for the vices thatwe 
still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer theenterprise to 
commit. 

AGITATOR, n.A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his 
neighbors-- to dislodge the worms. 

AIM, n.The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up!Have you no aim in 
life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim?Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is 
-- I have fired." 

AIR, n.A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence 
forthe fattening of the poor. 
ALDERMAN, n.An ingenious criminal who covers his secret 
thievingwith a pretence of open marauding. 

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ALIEN, n.An American sovereign in his probationary state. 

ALLAH, n.The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from 
theChristian, Jewish, and so forth. 

Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man 
have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently 
crossed my hands and slept. 

Junker Barlow

 ALLEGIANCE, n. 

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, 
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the 
Lord's anointed. 

ALLIANCE, n.In international politics, the union of two thieves 
whohave their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that 
theycannot separately plunder a third. 

ALLIGATOR, n.The crocodile of America, superior in every detail 
tothe crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.Herodotussays 
the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that producescrocodiles, 
but they appear to have gone West and grown up with theother rivers.From 
the notches on his back the alligator is called asawrian. 

ALONE, adj.In bad company. 

In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought 
reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone. 

Booley Fito 

ALTAR, n.The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out 
thesmall intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divinationand 
cooked its flesh for the gods.The word is now seldom used,except with 
reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by amale and a female 
tool. 

They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which 
their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An offering 
burnt with an unholy flame. 

M.P. Nopput 
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj.Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand 
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pocketor a left. 

AMBITION, n.An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies 
whileliving and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 

AMNESTY, n.The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it 
wouldbe too expensive to punish. 

ANOINT, v.t.To grease a king or other great functionary 
alreadysufficiently slippery. 

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the 
populace are greased good. 

Judibras 

ANTIPATHY, n.The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. 

APHORISM, n.Predigested wisdom. 

The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, 
And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. 
"The Mad Philosopher," 1697 
APOLOGIZE, v.i.To lay the foundation for a future offence. 

APOSTATE, n.A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtleonly 
to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form a 
new attachment to a fresh turtle. 

APOTHECARY, n.The physician's accomplice, undertaker's 
benefactorand grave worm's provider. 

When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed 
them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the 
apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My 
deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" 

APPEAL, v.t.In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. 

APPETITE, n.An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as 
asolution to the labor question. 

APPLAUSE, n.The echo of a platitude. 

APRIL FOOL, n.The March fool with another month added to his 
folly. 

ARCHBISHOP, n.An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than 
abishop. 

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If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon 
and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else. 
Jodo Rem 
ARCHITECT, n.One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a 

draftof your money. 

ARDOR, n.The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. 

ARENA, n.In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the 
statesmanwrestles with his record. 

ARISTOCRACY, n.Government by the best men.(In this sense the 
wordis obsolete; so is that kind of government.)Fellows that wear 
downyhats and clean shirts --guilty of education and suspected of 
bankaccounts. 

ARMOR, n.The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is 
ablacksmith. 

ARRAYED, pp.Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a 
rioterhanged to a lamppost. 

ARREST, v.t.Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. 

God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. 

_The Unauthorized Version_ 

ARSENIC, n.A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, 
whomit greatly affects in turn. 
"Eat arsenic?Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis 
better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup." 
Joel Huck 
ART, n.This word has no definition.Its origin is related asfollows by 
the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. 

One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of 
the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!Straight arose Fantastic 
priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and 
hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple 
and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed, 
the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, 
And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can 
do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that 

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never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And sell 
their garments to support the priests. 

ARTLESSNESS, n.A certain engaging quality to which women attain 
bylong study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is 
pleasedto fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. 

ASPERSE, v.t.Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions 
whichone has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. 

ASS, n.A public singer with a good voice but no ear.In VirginiaCity, 
Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,and 
everywhere the Donkey.The animal is widely and variouslycelebrated in 
the literature, art and religion of every age andcountry; no other so 
engages and fires the human imagination as thisnoble vertebrate.Indeed, it 
is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De 
Temperamente_) if it is not agod; and as such we know it was worshiped 
by the Etruscans, and, if wemay believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians 
also.Of the only twoanimals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along 
with the souls ofmen, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the 
Seven Sleepersthe other.This is no small distinction.From what has been 
writtenabout this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor 
andmagnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that 
whichclusters about the Bible.It may be said, generally, that allliterature is 
more or less Asinine. 

"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of 
Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, 
the Mule, the Mule is thine!" 

AUCTIONEER, n.The man who proclaims with a hammer that he 
has pickeda pocket with his tongue. 

AUSTRALIA, n.A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial 
andcommercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an 
unfortunatedispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or 
anisland. 

AVERNUS, n.The lake by which the ancients entered the 
infernalregions.The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained 

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bya lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to 
havesuggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.This, 
however,has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. 

_Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is 
that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence. 

Jehal Dai Lupe 

B 

BAAL, n.An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. 
As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he hadthe 
honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famousaccount of 
the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to hisglory on the Plain 
of Shinar.From Babel comes our English word"babble."Under whatever 
name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.AsBeelzebub he is the god of flies, 
which are begotten of the sun's rayson the stagnant water.In Physicia Baal 
is still worshiped as Bolus,and as Belly he is adored and served with 
abundant sacrifice by thepriests of Guttledom. 

BABE or BABY, n.A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, 
orcondition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies 
andantipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. 
There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from 
whoseadventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven 
centuriesbefore doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris 
beingpreserved on a floating lotus leaf. 

Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man is 
tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money.And so I have 
pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The 
First had been eagled or condored. 

Ro Amil 
BACCHUS, n.A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an 
excusefor getting drunk. 
Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The 
lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? 

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Jorace 
BACK, n.That part of your friend which it is your privilege 
tocontemplate in your adversity. 
BACKBITE, v.t.To speak of a man as you find him when he can't 
findyou. 
BAIT, n.A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.Thebest 
kind is beauty. 

BAPTISM, n.A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himselfin 
heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.It 
isperformed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and 
byaspersion, or sprinkling. 

But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let 
those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, 
And by matching their agues tertian. 

BAROMETER, n.An ingenious instrument which indicates what 
kind ofweather we are having. 
BARRACK, n.A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that 
ofwhich it is their business to deprive others. 

BASILISK, n.The cockatrice.A sort of serpent hatched form the eggof 
a cock.The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels 
deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Auratorsaw and handled one 
that had been blinded by lightning as a punishmentfor having fatally gazed 
on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.Junoafterward restored the reptile's 
sight and hid it in a cave.Nothingis so well attested by the ancients as the 
existence of the basilisk,but the cocks have stopped laying. 

BASTINADO, n.The act of walking on wood without exertion. 

BATH, n.A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious 
worship,with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. 

The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, 
for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting 
that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. 

Richard Gwow 

BATTLE, n.A method of untying with the teeth of a political knotthat 

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would not yield to the tongue. 

BEARD, n.The hair that is commonly cut off by those who 
justlyexecrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. 

BEAUTY, n.The power by which a woman charms a lover and 
terrifies ahusband. 

BEFRIEND, v.t.To make an ingrate. 

BEG, v.To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to 
thebelief that it will not be given. 

Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and 
unaffable -- wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! With 
Citizen Mendicant all is not well. 

Why did they put him there, father? 

Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. 

His belly? 

Oh, well, he was starving, my boy --A state in which, doubtless, 
there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was 
"Bread!" ever "Bread!" 

What's the matter with pie? 

With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful -
improper as well. 

Why didn't he work? 

He would even have done that, But men said:"Get out!" and the State 
remarked:"Scat!" I mention these incidents merely to show That the 
vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the act 
of a Siou, But for trifles --

Pray what did bad Mendicant do? 

Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly 
that clung to his back. 

Is that _all_ father dear? 

There's little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -
well, The company's better than here we can boast, And there's --

Bread for the needy, dear father? 

Um -- toast. 

Atka Mip 

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BEGGAR, n.One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. 

BEHAVIOR, n.Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but 
bybreeding.The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. 
JamrachHolobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: 

Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me perdas illa die. 

Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave 
your Death-blow.Pardon such behavior. 

BELLADONNA, n.In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a 
deadlypoison.A striking example of the essential identity of the 
twotongues. 

BENEDICTINES, n.An order of monks otherwise known as black 
friars. 

She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedict 
croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- "Black friars 
in this world, fried black in the next." 

"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) 

BENEFACTOR, n.One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, 
without,however, materially affecting the price, which is still within 
themeans of all. 

BERENICE'S HAIR, n.A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in 
honorof one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. 

Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And 
men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. 

But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their 
hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. 

BIGAMY, n.A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future 
willadjudge a punishment called trigamy. 
BIGOT, n.One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an 

opinionthat you do not entertain. 

BILLINGSGATE, n.The invective of an opponent. 

BIRTH, n.The first and direst of all disasters.As to the nature ofit there 
appears to be no uniformity.Castor and Pollux were bornfrom the 
egg.Pallas came out of a skull.Galatea was once a blockof stone.Peresilis, 

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who wrote in the tenth century, avers that hegrew up out of the ground 
where a priest had spilled holy water.Itis known that Arimaxus was 
derived from a hole in the earth, made by astroke of 
lightning.Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in MountAetna, and I have 
myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. 

BLACKGUARD, n.A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a 
boxof berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened onthe 
wrong side.An inverted gentleman. 

BLANK-VERSE, n.Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most 
difficultkind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, 
muchaffected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. 

BODY-SNATCHER, n.A robber of grave-worms.One who supplies 
theyoung physicians with that with which the old physicians have 
suppliedthe undertaker.The hyena. 

"One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all, 
When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall. 
"While waiting for the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About 
a new-made grave, and then Begin to excavate its brink! 
"Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And, 
falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade." 
Bettel K. Jhones 
BONDSMAN, n.A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes 
tobecome responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. 

Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, adissolute 
nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he wouldbe able to 
give."I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can giveyou my word of 
honor.""And pray what may be the value of that?"inquired the amused 
Regent."Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." 

BORE, n.A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 

BOTANY, n.The science of vegetables -- those that are not good toeat, 
as well as those that are.It deals largely with their flowers,which are 
commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling. 

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.Having a nose created in the image of its 
maker. 

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BOUNDARY, n.In political geography, an imaginary line between 
twonations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the 
imaginaryrights of the other. 

BOUNTY, n.The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one 
whohas nothing to get all that he can. 

A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insectsevery 
year.The supplying of these insects I take to be a signalinstance of the 
Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of Hiscreatures. 

Henry Ward Beecher 

BRAHMA, n.He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by 
Vishnuand destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than 
isfound among the deities of some other nations.The Abracadabranese,for 
example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed 
byFolly.The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holyand 
learned men who are never naughty. 

O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, 
You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely --
You're the First Person Singular, surely. 

Polydore Smith 

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.That 
whichdistinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the 
manwho wishes to _do_ something.A man of great wealth, or one who 
hasbeen pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful 
ofbrain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.In ourcivilization, and 
under our republican form of government, brain is sohighly honored that it 
is rewarded by exemption from the cares ofoffice. 

BRANDY, n.A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, 
onepart remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-thegrave and four parts clarified Satan.Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is 
said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.Only a herowill venture to 
drink it. 

BRIDE, n.A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 

BRUTE, n.See HUSBAND. 

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C 

CAABA, n.A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to 
thepatriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.The patriarch had 
perhapsasked the archangel for bread. 

CABBAGE, n.A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large 
andwise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince 
who on ascendingthe throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of 
Empireconsisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and 
thecabbages in the royal garden.When any of his Majesty's measures 
ofstate policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced 
thatseveral members of the High Council had been beheaded, and 
hismurmuring subjects were appeased. 

CALAMITY, n.A more than commonly plain and unmistakable 
reminderthat the affairs of this life are not of our own 
ordering.Calamitiesare of two kinds:misfortune to ourselves, and good 
fortune toothers. 

CALLOUS, adj.Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evilsafflicting 
another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he 
wasobserved to be deeply moved."What!" said one of his disciples, 
"youweep at the death of an enemy?""Ah, 'tis true," replied the greatStoic; 
"but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." 

CALUMNUS, n.A graduate of the School for Scandal. 

CAMEL, n.A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value 
tothe show business.There are two kinds of camels -- the camel properand 
the camel improper.It is the latter that is always exhibited. 

CANNIBAL, n.A gastronome of the old school who preserves the 
simpletastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. 

CANNON, n.An instrument employed in the rectification of 
nationalboundaries. 

CANONICALS, n.The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of 
Heaven. 

CAPITAL, n.The seat of misgovernment.That which provides the 
fire,the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for theanarchist; 

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the part of the repast that himself supplies is thedisgrace before 
meat._Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding thejustice and expediency 
of which many worthy persons -- including allthe assassins --entertain 
grave misgivings. 

CARMELITE, n.A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. 

As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his 
way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, 
With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who 
held out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in 
the name of the Church.O give, Give that her holy sons may live!" And 
Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee 

-a ride." 
With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale 
Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and put 
Him astride with his face to the rear. 

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the 
coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho!A beggar on horseback, they say, Will ride 
to the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the 
charger, which galloped away. 

Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and the 
trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild, 
wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. 
Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled, 
And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head and 
objecting To further proceedings in its behalf. 

Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. 
The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his 
horse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of the 
monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil 
and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was 
appointed Prior. 

CARNIVOROUS, adj.Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the 
timorousvegetarian, his heirs and assigns. 

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CARTESIAN, adj.Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, 
authorof the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was 
pleasedto suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.The 
dictummight be improved, however, thus:_Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ 
--"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close anapproach to 
certainty as any philosopher has yet made. 

CAT, n.A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to 
bekicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. 
This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, 
cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. 
Elevenson 
CAVILER, n.A critic of our own work. 

CEMETERY, n.An isolated suburban spot where mourners match 
lies,poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a 
wager.Theinscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success 
attainedin these Olympian games: 

His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable tooverlook 
them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose livesthey were a rebuke, 
represented them as vices.They are herecommemorated by his family, who 
shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara. 

Thomas M. and Mary Frazer 

P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. 
CENTAUR, n.One of a race of persons who lived before the division 
oflabor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and 
whofollowed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own 
horse."Thebest of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of 
the horseadded the fleetness of man.The scripture story of the head of 
Johnthe Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have 
somewhatsophisticated sacred history. 

CERBERUS, n.The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard 
theentrance --against whom or what does not clearly appear; 
everybody,sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off 
theentrance.Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of 
thepoets have credited him with as many as a hundred.ProfessorGraybill, 

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whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek givehis opinion 
great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makesthe number twentyseven -- a judgment that would be entirelyconclusive is Professor Graybill 
had known (a) something about dogs,and (b) something about arithmetic. 

CHILDHOOD, n.The period of human life intermediate between 
theidiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sinof 
manhood and three from the remorse of age. 

CHRISTIAN, n.One who believes that the New Testament is a 
divinelyinspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his 
neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are 
notinconsistent with a life of sin. 

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to 
and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien, 
appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A firealarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, 
With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of 
white, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, strange," I 
exclaimed."You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet I 
entertain the hope that you, Like these good people, are a Christian too." 
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand 
blushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: "What!I a 
Christian?No, indeed!I'm Christ." 

CIRCUS, n.A place where horses, ponies and elephants are 
permittedto see men, women and children acting the fool. 

CLAIRVOYANT, n.A person, commonly a woman, who has the power 
ofseeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is 
ablockhead. 

CLARIONET, n.An instrument of torture operated by a person 
withcotton in his ears.There are two instruments that are worse than 
aclarionet -- two clarionets. 

CLERGYMAN, n.A man who undertakes the management of our 
spiritualaffairs as a method of better his temporal ones. 

CLIO, n.One of the nine Muses.Clio's function was to preside 

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overhistory --which she did with great dignity, many of the 
prominentcitizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings 
beingaddressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular 
speakers. 

CLOCK, n.A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his 
concernfor the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. 

A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!""What's that you 
say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is. 
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an hour 
without it." 

Purzil Crofe 
CLOSE-FISTED, adj.Unduly desirous of keeping that which 
manymeritorious persons wish to obtain. 

"Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; 
"See me -- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie:"That 
is very true --The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to 
you, Who have what you are lacking." 

Anita M. Bobe 

COENOBITE, n.A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate 
upon thesin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins 
abrotherhood of awful examples. 

O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the 
anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; 
With dropping shots he makes him sick. 

Quincy Giles 
COMFORT, n.A state of mind produced by contemplation of a 
neighbor'suneasiness. 
COMMENDATION, n.The tribute that we pay to achievements 
thatresembles, but do not equal, our own. 

COMMERCE, n.A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B 
thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of 
moneybelonging to E. 

COMMONWEALTH, n.An administrative entity operated by an 
incalculablemultitude of political parasites, logically active but 

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fortuitouslyefficient. 

This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a 
hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom 
rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the 
thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On 
clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster 
befall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushel 
inhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Their 
lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May microbes, bacilli, their 
tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May corn-cobs 
be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their 
pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of 
audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors 
--The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity, 
cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the 
friend whom I couldn't work in. 

K.Q. 
COMPROMISE, n.Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as 
giveseach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he 
oughtnot to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly 
hisdue. 

COMPULSION, n.The eloquence of power. 

CONDOLE, v.i.To show that bereavement is a smaller evil 
thansympathy. 

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.One entrusted by A with the secrets 
of B,confided by _him_ to C. 

CONGRATULATION, n.The civility of envy. 

CONGRESS, n.A body of men who meet to repeal laws. 

CONNOISSEUR, n.A specialist who knows everything about 
something andnothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having 
been smashed in a railway collision,some wine was pouted on his lips to 
revive him."Pauillac, 1873," hemurmured and died. 

CONSERVATIVE, n.A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, 
asdistinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them withothers. 

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CONSOLATION, n.The knowledge that a better man is more 
unfortunatethan yourself. 

CONSUL, n.In American politics, a person who having failed to 
secureand office from the people is given one by the Administration 
oncondition that he leave the country. 

CONSULT, v.i.To seek another's disapproval of a course 
alreadydecided on. 

CONTEMPT, n.The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is 
tooformidable safely to be opposed. 

CONTROVERSY, n.A battle in which spittle or ink replaces 
theinjurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. 

In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the 
old and young --So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he 
shall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, With 
his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle is done? 
Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his 
wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all 
you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well 
remarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, 
This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through your 
argument."Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trust 
And prove your views intelligent and just. 

Conmore Apel Brune 
CONVENT, n.A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure 
tomeditate upon the vice of idleness. 

CONVERSATION, n.A fair to the display of the minor 
mentalcommodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement 
ofhis own wares to observe those of his neighbor. 

CORONATION, n.The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the 
outwardand visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with 
adynamite bomb. 

CORPORAL, n.A man who occupies the lowest rung of the 
militaryladder. 

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! 

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Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:"He hadn't 
very far to fall." 

Giacomo Smith 

CORPORATION, n.An ingenious device for obtaining individual 
profitwithout individual responsibility.CORSAIR, n.A politician of the 
seas. 

COURT FOOL, n.The plaintiff. 

COWARD, n.One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 

CRAYFISH, n.A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, 
butless indigestible. 

In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirablyfigured and 
symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move onlybackward, and can 
have only retrospection, seeing naught but theperils already passed, so the 
wisdom of man doth not enable him toavoid the follies that beset his 
course, but only to apprehendtheir nature afterward. 

Sir James Merivale 

CREDITOR, n.One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the 
FinancialStraits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. 

CREMONA, n.A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. 

CRITIC, n.A person who boasts himself hard to please because 
nobodytries to please him. 

There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where 
saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud. 

And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows 
sore to recognize The missiles that he threw. 

Orrin Goof 

CROSS, n.An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe 
itssignificance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,but 
really antedating it by thousands of years.By many it has beenbelieved to 
be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallicworship, but it has 
been traced even beyond all that we know of that,to the rites of primitive 
peoples.We have to-day the White Cross asa symbol of chastity, and the 
Red Cross as a badge of benevolentneutrality in war.Having in mind the 
former, the reverend FatherGassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect 

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following: 

"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to 
dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us. 

But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And 
youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner? 

Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A 
simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?) 

Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, 
Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him. 

CUI BONO?[Latin]What good would that do _me_? 

CUNNING, n.The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or 
personfrom a strong one.It brings its possessor much mental 
satisfactionand great material adversity.An Italian proverb says:"The 
furriergets the skins of more foxes than asses." 

CUPID, n.The so-called god of love.This bastard creation of 
abarbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins ofits 
deities.Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this isthe most 
reasonless and offensive.The notion of symbolizing sexuallove by a 
semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to thewounds of an 
arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into artgrossly to 
materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminently 
worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it onthe doorstep of prosperity. 

CURIOSITY, n.An objectionable quality of the female mind.Thedesire 
to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is oneof the most 
active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. 

CURSE, v.t.Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.Thisis an 
operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, iscommonly fatal 
to the victim.Nevertheless, the liability to acursing is a risk that cuts but a 
small figure in fixing the rates oflife insurance. 

CYNIC, n.A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,not 
as they ought to be.Hence the custom among the Scythians ofplucking out 
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 

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D


DAMN, v.A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the 
meaningof which is lost.By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed 
tohave been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degreeof 
mental tranquillity.Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks itexpressed an 
emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequentlyoccurs in 
combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."Itwould be with 
great diffidence that I should advance an opinionconflicting with that of 
either of these formidable authorities. 

DANCE, v.i.To leap about to the sound of tittering music, 
preferablywith arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.There are 
manykinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the 
twosexes have two characteristics in common:they are 
conspicuouslyinnocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. 

DANGER, n. 

A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But 
takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. 

Ambat Delaso 

DARING, n.One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man insecurity. 

DATARY, n.A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic 
Church,whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the 
words_Datum Romae_.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship 
ofGod. 

DAWN, n.The time when men of reason go to bed.Certain old 
menprefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long 
walkwith an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.They 
thenpoint with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdyhealth 
and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,not because of 
their habits, but in spite of them.The reason we findonly robust persons 
doing this thing is that it has killed all theothers who have tried it. 

DAY, n.A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.This periodis 
divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or dayimproper -- the 

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former devoted to sins of business, the latterconsecrated to the other 

sort.These two kinds of social activityoverlap. 

DEAD, adj. 

Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad 
race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a 
hole! 

Squatol Johnes 

DEBAUCHEE, n.One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he 
hashad the misfortune to overtake it. 

DEBT, n.An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. 

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank 
to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor 
ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught 
around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his 
debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it. 

Barlow S. Vode 

DECALOGUE, n.A series of commandments, ten in number --just 
enoughto permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough 
toembarrass the choice.Following is the revised edition of theDecalogue, 
calculated for this meridian. 

Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. 

No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. 

Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. 

Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball. 

Honor thy parents.That creates For life insurance lower rates. 

Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. 

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth 
caress 

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business.Cheat. 

Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and 
so." 

Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, 
got. 

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DECIDE, v.i.To succumb to the preponderance of one set of 
influencesover another set. 

A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he. 

The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now 
shall steer." 

The east wind rose with greater force. Said he:"'Twere wise to change 
my course." 

With equal power they contend. He said:"My judgment I suspend." 

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried:"I've decided to fall 
straight." 

"First thoughts are best?"That's not the moral; Just choose your own 
and we'll not quarrel. 

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it at 
all. 

DEFAME, v.t.To lie about another.To tell the truth about another. 

DEFENCELESS, adj.Unable to attack. 

DEGENERATE, adj.Less conspicuously admirable than one's 
ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of 
degeneracy; itrequired ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the 
heroesof the Trojan war could have raised with ease.Homer never tires 
ofsneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is 
perhapswhy they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance 
ofreturning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him 
hewould certainly have starved. 

DEGRADATION, n.One of the stages of moral and social progress 
fromprivate station to political preferment. 

DEINOTHERIUM, n.An extinct pachyderm that flourished when 
thePterodactyl was in fashion.The latter was a native of Ireland, itsname 
being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the manpronouncing 
it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. 

DEJEUNER, n.The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. 
Variously pronounced. 

DELEGATION, n.In American politics, an article of merchandise 
thatcomes in sets. 

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DELIBERATION, n.The act of examining one's bread to determine 
whichside it is buttered on. 

DELUGE, n.A notable first experiment in baptism which washed 
awaythe sins (and sinners) of the world. 

DELUSION, n.The father of a most respectable family, 
comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and 
manyother goodly sons and daughters. 

All hail, Delusion!Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy 
we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would fly 
abandoned Virtue's gross advances. 

Mumfrey Mappel 
DENTIST, n.A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your 
mouth,pulls coins out of your pocket. 
DEPENDENT, adj.Reliant upon another's generosity for the 
supportwhich you are not in a position to exact from his fears. 

DEPUTY, n.A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. 
The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie andan 
intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When 
accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloudof dust. 

"Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By 
experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our 
office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper 
entries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole 
amount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired your 
punctual way --Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in your 
chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures violent 
you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in your 
look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound 
Tranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to 
draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That you employ 
your genius vast In energies more active.Rise And shake the lightnings 
from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into 
everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the Deputy's bent 
back, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling 

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shell A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a 

twelvemonth dead. 

Jamrach Holobom 

DESTINY, n.A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure. 

DIAGNOSIS, n.A physician's forecast of the disease by the 
patient'spulse and purse. 

DIAPHRAGM, n.A muscular partition separating disorders of the 
chestfrom disorders of the bowels. 

DIARY, n.A daily record of that part of one's life, which he canrelate 
to himself without blushing. 

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and 
of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his 
own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary."Said Hearst: "Thank you; 
'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and 
proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned 
the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and 
gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then 
gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered 
from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb --For 
big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," 
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. 

"The Mad Philosopher" 
DICTATOR, n.The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence 
ofdespotism to the plague of anarchy. 

DICTIONARY, n.A malevolent literary device for cramping the 
growthof a language and making it hard and inelastic.This 
dictionary,however, is a most useful work. 

DIE, n.The singular of "dice."We seldom hear the word, becausethere 
is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."At long intervals,however, some 
one says:"The die is cast," which is not true, for itis cut.The word is found 
in an immortal couplet by that eminent poetand domestic economist, 
Senator Depew: 

A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a 
nibbling mie. 

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DIGESTION, n.The conversion of victuals into virtues.When 
theprocess is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance 
fromwhich that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladiesare 
the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. 

DIPLOMACY, n.The patriotic art of lying for one's country. 

DISABUSE, v.t.The present your neighbor with another and 
bettererror than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. 

DISCRIMINATE, v.i.To note the particulars in which one person 
orthing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. 

DISCUSSION, n.A method of confirming others in their errors. 

DISOBEDIENCE, n.The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. 

DISOBEY, v.t.To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the 

maturityof a command. 
His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; 
And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone. 
Israfel Brown 
DISSEMBLE, v.i.To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us 
dissemble. 
Adam 
DISTANCE, n.The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor 
tocall theirs, and keep. 
DISTRESS, n.A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of 
afriend. 

DIVINATION, n.The art of nosing out the occult.Divination is of 
asmany kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunceand 
the early fool. 

DOG, n.A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catchthe 
overflow and surplus of the world's worship.This Divine Being insome of 
his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affectionof Woman, the 
place to which there is no human male aspirant.The Dogis a survival -- an 
anachronism.He toils not, neither does he spin,yet Solomon in all his glory 
never lay upon a door-mat all day long,sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, 
while his master worked for the meanswherewith to purchase the idle wag 
of the Solomonic tail, seasonedwith a look of tolerant recognition. 

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DRAGOON, n.A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so 
equalmeasure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats 
onhorseback. 

DRAMATIST, n.One who adapts plays from the French. 

DRUIDS, n.Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion 
whichdid not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. 
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.Pliny saystheir 
religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far asPersia.Caesar says 
those who desired to study its mysteries went toBritain.Caesar himself 
went to Britain, but does not appear to haveobtained any high preferment 
in the Druidical Church, although histalent for human sacrifice was 
considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew 
nothingof church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew 
rents.Theywere, in short, heathens and --as they were once 
complacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of 
England --Dissenters. 

DUCK-BILL, n.Your account at your restaurant during the canvasbackseason. 

DUEL, n.A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of 
twoenemies.Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; 
ifawkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable 
consequencessometimes ensue.A long time ago a man lost his life in a 
duel. 

That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my 
lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is 
considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud, 
or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put 
upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab, 
or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I 
seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_ 
they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! 

Xamba Q. Dar 
DULLARD, n.A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. 
The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and 

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sturdyhave overrun the habitable world.The secret of their power is 
theirinsensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laughwith 
a platitude.The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whencethey were 
driven by stress of starvation, their dullness havingblighted the crops.For 
some centuries they infested Philistia, andmany of them are called 
Philistines to this day.In the turbulenttimes of the Crusades they withdrew 
thence and gradually overspreadall Europe, occupying most of the high 
places in politics, art,literature, science and theology.Since a detachment 
of Dullards cameover with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a 
favorable reportof the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and 
conversionhas been rapid and steady.According to the most 
trustworthystatistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is 
butlittle short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.Theintellectual 
centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,but the New England 
Dullard is the most shockingly moral. 

DUTY, n.That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,along 
the line of desire. 

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, 
who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, 
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead. 

E 

EAT, v.i.To perform successively (and successfully) the functions 
ofmastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, 
enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote."What!" 
interrupted Rochebriant;"eating dinner in a drawing-room?""I must beg 
you to observe,monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not 
say I waseating my dinner, but enjoying it.I had dined an hour before." 

EAVESDROP, v.i.Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes 
andvices of another or yourself. 

A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, 
Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. 

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"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive 
minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, 
removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, "To hear my 
character lied about!" 

Gopete Sherany 
ECCENTRICITY, n.A method of distinction so cheap that fools 
employit to accentuate their incapacity. 
ECONOMY, n.Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need 
forthe price of the cow that you cannot afford. 

EDIBLE, adj.Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to 
atoad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a manto a 
worm. 

EDITOR, n.A person who combines the judicial functions of 
Minos,Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a 
severelyvirtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates 
thevirtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him 
thesplintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till heresembles 
a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at thetail of a dog; 
then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft asthe cooing of a 
donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and 
lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne ofthought, his face suffused 
with the dim splendors of theTransfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his 
tongue a-cheek, theeditor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in 
lengths tosuit.And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is 
heardthe voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six 
linesof religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and 
whackup some pathos. 

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. 
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himself 
an ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of 
naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's campfollower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected, 
Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J.H. 
Bumbleshook 

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EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from 
thefoolish their lack of understanding. 

EFFECT, n.The second of two phenomena which always occur 
together inthe same order.The first, called a Cause, is said to generate 
theother -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who 
hasnever seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare therabbit 
the cause of a dog. 

EGOTIST, n.A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in 
me. 

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, 
One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced 
his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the 
eminent egotist, And said:"Go away, for we settle here All manner of 
questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speaker 
demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things 
under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'." 

EJECTION, n.An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.It 
isalso much used in cases of extreme poverty. 

ELECTOR, n.One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the 
manof another man's choice. 

ELECTRICITY, n.The power that causes all natural phenomena not 
knownto be caused by something else.It is the same thing as lightning,and 
its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the mostpicturesque 
incidents in that great and good man's career.The memoryof Dr. Franklin 
is justly held in great reverence, particularly inFrance, where a waxen 
effigy of him was recently on exhibition,bearing the following touching 
account of his life and services toscience: 

"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.Thisillustrious savant, 
after having made several voyages around theworld, died on the Sandwich 
Islands and was devoured by savages,of whom not a single fragment was 
ever recovered." 

Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in thearts and 
industries.The question of its economical application tosome purposes is 
still unsettled, but experiment has already provedthat it will propel a street 

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car better than a gas jet and give morelight than a horse. 

ELEGY, n.A composition in verse, in which, without employing any 
ofthe methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mindthe 
dampest kind of dejection.The most famous English example 
beginssomewhat like this: 

The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds 
slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddlefaddle in a minor key. 

ELOQUENCE, n.The art of orally persuading fools that white is 
thecolor that it appears to be.It includes the gift of making any colorappear 
white. 

ELYSIUM, n.An imaginary delightful country which the 
ancientsfoolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the 
good.Thisridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the 
earthby the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! 

EMANCIPATION, n.A bondman's change from the tyranny of another 
tothe despotism of himself. 

He was a slave:at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to 
the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and 
inscribed his own. 

EMBALM, v.i.To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon 
whichit feeds.By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the 
naturalbalance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made 
theironce fertile and populous country barren and incapable of 
supportingmore than a meagre crew.The modern metallic burial casket is a 
stepin the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to 
beornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as 
abunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.We shall get himafter 
awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and roseare 
languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. 

EMOTION, n.A prostrating disease caused by a determination of 
theheart to the head.It is sometimes accompanied by a copious dischargeof 
hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. 

ENCOMIAST, n.A special (but not particular) kind of liar. 

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END, n.The position farthest removed on either hand from 
theInterlocutor. 
The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of 
death was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. 
"This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A 
moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones. 
Tinley Roquot 
ENOUGH, pro.All there is in the world if you like it. 
Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a 
feast for the platter. 
Arbely C. Strunk 
ENTERTAINMENT, n.Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop 
short ofdeath by injection. 

ENTHUSIASM, n.A distemper of youth, curable by small doses 
ofrepentance in connection with outward applications of experience. 
Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had arelapse, 
which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. 

ENVELOPE, n.The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; 
thehusk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. 

ENVY, n.Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. 

EPAULET, n.An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a 
militaryofficer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of 
lowerrank to whom his death would give promotion. 

EPICURE, n.An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher 
who,holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no 
timein gratification from the senses. 

EPIGRAM, n.A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, 
frequentlycharacterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. 
Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned 
andingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: 

We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.Toserve oneself 
is economy of administration. 

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and 
anightingale.Diversity of character is due to their unequalactivity. 

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There are three sexes; males, females and girls. 

Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to 
be the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed 
than men.They have less to beashamed of. 

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your handsyou are 
safe, for you can watch both his. 

EPITAPH, n.An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues 
acquiredby death have a retroactive effect.Following is a touching 
example: 

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, 
Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God 
forgive it! 

ERUDITION, n.Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. 

So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and 
plan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas 
right to be a thief. 

Romach Pute 

ESOTERIC, adj.Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. 
The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, --_exoteric_, those thatthe 
philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,those that 
nobody could understand.It is the latter that have mostprofoundly affected 
modern thought and found greatest acceptance inour time. 

ETHNOLOGY, n.The science that treats of the various tribes of 
Man,as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots 
andethnologists. 

EUCHARIST, n.A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A 
dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect asto what it 
was that they ate.In this controversy some five hundredthousand have 
already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. 

EULOGY, n.Praise of a person who has either the advantages of 
wealthand power, or the consideration to be dead. 

EVANGELIST, n.A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a 
religioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation 
ofour neighbors. 

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EVERLASTING, adj.Lasting forever.It is with no small diffidencethat 
I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I amnot unaware 
of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester, 
entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"as Used in the 
Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.His bookwas once esteemed 
of great authority in the Anglican Church, and isstill, I understand, studied 
with pleasure to the mind and profit ofthe soul. 

EXCEPTION, n.A thing which takes the liberty to differ from 
otherthings of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, 
etc."Theexception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the 
lipsof the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thoughtof 
its absurdity.In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" meansthat the 
exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not_confirms_ it.The 
malefactor who drew the meaning from thisexcellent dictum and 
substituted a contrary one of his own exerted anevil power which appears 
to be immortal. 

EXCESS, n.In morals, an indulgence that enforces by 
appropriatepenalties the law of moderation. 

Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend 
the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as 
my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could 
ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, 
Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing 
pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy 
stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he 
who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar! 

EXCOMMUNICATION, n. 

This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, 
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose 
opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, 
and forbidding Christ to save him. 

Gat Huckle 
EXECUTIVE, n.An officer of the Government, whose duty it is 
toenforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as thejudicial 

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department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and ofno 
effect.Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _TheLunarian 
Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: 

LUNARIAN:Then when your Congress has passed a law it 
goesdirectly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once beknown 
whether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN:O no; it does not require the 
approval of theSupreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for 
manyyears somebody objects to its operation against himself -- Imean his 
client.The President, if he approves it, begins toexecute it at once. 
LUNARIAN:Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your 
policemen also have to approve the local ordinancesthat they enforce? 
TERRESTRIAN:Not yet --at least not in their character 
ofconstables.Generally speaking, though, all laws require theapproval of 
those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN:I see.The death 
warrant is not valid until signed bythe murderer. TERRESTRIAN:My 
friend, you put it too strongly; we are not soconsistent. LUNARIAN:But 
this system of maintaining an expensive judicialmachinery to pass upon 
the validity of laws only after theyhave long been executed, and then only 
when brought before thecourt by some private person -- does it not cause 
greatconfusion? TERRESTRIAN:It does. LUNARIAN:Why then should 
not your laws, previously to beingexecuted, be validated, not by the 
signature of yourPresident, but by that of the Chief Justice of the 
SupremeCourt? TERRESTRIAN:There is no precedent for any such 
course. LUNARIAN:Precedent.What is that? TERRESTRIAN:It has been 
defined by five hundred lawyers in threevolumes each.So how can any one 
know? 

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of 
anotherupon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. 

EXILE, n.One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is notan 
ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile 
ofErin," replied:"No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."Yearsafterwards, 
when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career ofunparalleled 
atrocities, the following memorandum was found in theship's log that he 
had kept at the time of his reply: 

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Aug. 3d, 1842.Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.Coldlyreceived.War 

with the whole world! 

EXISTENCE, n. 

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things 

do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our 
bedfellow Death, and cry:"O fudge!" 

EXPERIENCE, n.The wisdom that enables us to recognize as 
anundesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. 

To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in 
an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the 
path that he should not have gone. 

Joel Frad Bink 
EXPOSTULATION, n.One of the many methods by which fools 
prefer tolose their friends. 
EXTINCTION, n.The raw material out of which theology created 
thefuture state. 

F 

FAIRY, n.A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that 
formerlyinhabited the meadows and forests.It was nocturnal in its 
habits,and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of 
children.Thefairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though 
aclergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as latelyas 
1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord ofthe 
manor.The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affectedthat his 
account of it was incoherent.In the year 1807 a troop offairies visited a 
wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of apeasant, who had been 
seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing.Theson of a wealthy _bourgeois_ 
disappeared about the same time, butafterward returned.He had seen the 
abduction been in pursuit of thefairies.Justinian Gaux, a writer of the 
fourteenth century, aversthat so great is the fairies' power of 
transformation that he saw onechange itself into two opposing armies and 

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fight a battle with greatslaughter, and that the next day, after it had 
resumed its originalshape and gone away, there were seven hundred 
bodies of the slainwhich the villagers had to bury.He does not say if any of 
thewounded recovered.In the time of Henry III, of England, a law 
wasmade which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, 
ormamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. 

FAITH, n.Belief without evidence in what is told by one who 
speakswithout knowledge, of things without parallel. 

FAMOUS, adj.Conspicuously miserable. 

Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. 

Content?Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly 
admired. 
Hassan Brubuddy 
FASHION, n.A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. 
A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And 
straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. 

Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, 
thinking 'Twould please the king.That monarch swore He'd slay them all 
for winking. 

What should they do?They were not hot To hazard such disaster; They 
dared not close an eye -- dared not See better than their master. 

Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: He 
spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. 

The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. That's 
how court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying. 

Naramy Oof 

FEAST, n.A festival.A religious celebration usually signalized 
bygluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy 
persondistinguished for abstemiousness.In the Roman Catholic 
Churchfeasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are 
uniformlyimmovable until they are full.In their earliest development 
theseentertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held 
bythe Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and 
Peruvians,as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it 

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isbelieved that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Among 
the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which washeld, 
according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. 

FELON, n.A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who 
inembracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. 

FEMALE, n.One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. 

The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. 
From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. 
But when the Devil came and saw He said:"By Thine eternal law Of 
growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave 
untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- Then tucked his 
head beneath his wing To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing With 
deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master 
pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith all 
matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent His 
head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of 
earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their 
courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no 
more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexible clay, 
While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast, 
Gross organs first and finer last; No one at once evolved, but all By even 
touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match 
all living things He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except 
(His clay gave out) the hearts. "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed I'll 
fetch the very hearts they need" -- So flew away and soon brought back 
The number needed, in a sack. That night earth range with sounds of strife 
-- Ten million males each had a wife; That night sweet Peace her pinions 
spread O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! 

FIB, n.A lie that has not cut its teeth.An habitual liar's 
nearestapproach to truth:the perigee of his eccentric orbit. 

When David said:"All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like 
any thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief By proof that even 
himself was not a slave To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave Had 

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been of all her servitors the chief Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf Is 
more than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, David served not Naked 
Truth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor did he 
hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And the 
facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead. 

Bartle Quinker 
FICKLENESS, n.The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. 
FIDDLE, n.An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of ahorse's 
tail on the entrails of a cat. 

To Rome said Nero:"If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle 
while you burn." To Nero Rome replied:"Pray do your worst, 'Tis my 
excuse that you were fiddling first." 

Orm Pludge 

FIDELITY, n.A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 

FINANCE, n.The art or science of managing revenues and resources 
forthe best advantage of the manager.The pronunciation of this wordwith 
the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one ofAmerica's most 
precious discoveries and possessions. 

FLAG, n.A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts 
andships.It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that onesees 
and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here." 

FLESH, n.The Second Person of the secular Trinity. 

FLOP, v.Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to 
anotherparty.The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of 
Tarsus,who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of 
ourpartisan journals. 

FLY-SPECK, n.The prototype of punctuation.It is observed 
byGarvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the variousliterary 
nations depended originally upon the social habits andgeneral diet of the 
flies infesting the several countries.Thesecreatures, which have always 
been distinguished for a neighborly andcompanionable familiarity with 
authors, liberally or niggardlyembellish the manuscripts in process of 
growth under the pen,according to their bodily habit, bringing out the 
sense of the work bya species of interpretation superior to, and 

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independent of, thewriter's powers.The "old masters" of literature -- that is 
to say,the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes 
andcritics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but workedright 
along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought whichcomes from 
the use of points.(We observe the same thing in childrento-day, whose 
usage in this particular is a striking and beautifulinstance of the law that 
the infancy of individuals reproduces themethods and stages of 
development characterizing the infancy ofraces.)In the work of these 
primitive scribes all the punctuation isfound, by the modern investigator 
with his optical instruments andchemical tests, to have been inserted by 
the writers' ingenious andserviceable collaborator, the common house-fly 

-_Musca maledicta_. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose 
of either makingthe work their own or preserving what they naturally 
regard as divinerevelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy 
whatevermarks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the 
unspeakableenhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the 
work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves 
ofthe obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with 
suchassistance as the flies of their own household may be willing togrant, 
frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions,in respect 
at least of punctuation, which is no small glory.Fully tounderstand the 
important services that flies perform to literature itis only necessary to lay 
a page of some popular novelist alongside asaucer of cream-and-molasses 
in a sunny room and observe "how the witbrightens and the style refines" 
in accurate proportion to theduration of exposure. 
FOLLY, n.That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative andcontrolling 
energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adornshis life. 

Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all 
authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to take 
homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool 
and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly be 
his arrows thrown, 

Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be it 
mine to raise, With lusty lung, here on his western strand With all thine 

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offspring thronged from every land, Thyself inspiring me, the song of 
praise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Watson Gilder, 
gravest of us all. 

Aramis Loto Frope 

FOOL, n.A person who pervades the domain of intellectual 
speculationand diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.He 
isomnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.He it 
waswho invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, thetelegraph, 
the platitude and the circle of the sciences.He createdpatriotism and taught 
the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,law, medicine and 
Chicago.He established monarchical and republicangovernment.He is 
from everlasting to everlasting -- such ascreation's dawn beheld he fooleth 
now.In the morning of time he sangupon primitive hills, and in the 
noonday of existence headed theprocession of being.His grandmotherly 
hand was warmly tucked-in theset sun of civilization, and in the twilight 
he prepares Man's eveningmeal of milk-and-morality and turns down the 
covers of the universalgrave.And after the rest of us shall have retired for 
the night ofeternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of 
humancivilization. 

FORCE, n. 

"Force is but might," the teacher said --"That definition's just." The 
boy said naught but through instead, Remembering his pounded head: 
"Force is not might but must!" 

FOREFINGER, n.The finger commonly used in pointing out 
twomalefactors. 

FOREORDINATION, n.This looks like an easy word to define, but 
when Iconsider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives 
inexplaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations;when I 
remember the nations have been divided and bloody battlescaused by the 
difference between foreordination and predestination,and that millions of 
treasure have been expended in the effort toprove and disprove its 
compatibility with freedom of the will and theefficacy of prayer, praise, 
and a religious life, -- recalling theseawful facts in the history of the word, 
I stand appalled before themighty problem of its signification, abase my 

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spiritual eyes, fearingto contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently 
uncover and humblyrefer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His 
Grace Bishop Potter. 

FORGETFULNESS, n.A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in 
compensationfor their destitution of conscience. 

FORK, n.An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting 
deadanimals into the mouth.Formerly the knife was employed for 
thispurpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have 
manyadvantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not 
altogetherreject, but use to assist in charging the knife.The immunity 
ofthese persons from swift and awful death is one of the most 
strikingproofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. 

FORMA PAUPERIS.[Latin]In the character of a poor person -
amethod by which a litigant without money for lawyers is 
consideratelypermitted to lose his case. 

When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere 
Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He 
stood and pleaded unhabilimented. 

"You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here be 
that way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He 
went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. 

FRANKALMOIGNE, n.The tenure by which a religious corporation 
holdslands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.In 
mediaevaltimes many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates 
inthis simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England 
sentan officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternityof 
monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would youmaster 
stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?""Ay," said theofficer, coldly, "an 
ye will not pray him thence for naught he muste'en roast.""But look you, 
my son," persisted the good man, "thisact hath rank as robbery of 
God!""Nay, nay, good father, my masterthe king doth but deliver him from 
the manifold temptations of toogreat wealth." 

FREEBOOTER, n.A conqueror in a small way of business, 

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whoseannexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. 

FREEDOM, n.Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly 
halfdozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods.A politicalcondition 
that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtualmonopoly.Liberty.The 
distinction between freedom and liberty isnot accurately known; 
naturalists have never been able to find aliving specimen of either. 

Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; 
On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. 

She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To 
bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. 

And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon 
the pestilential blast Her clamors swell. 

For all to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among 
themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. 

Blary O'Gary 

FREEMASONS, n.An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies 
andfantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II,among 
working artisans of London, has been joined successively by thedead of 
past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embracesall the 
generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drummingup 
distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants ofChaos and 
Formless Void.The order was founded at different times byCharlemagne, 
Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious,Thothmes, and 
Buddha.Its emblems and symbols have been found in theCatacombs of 
Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and theChinese Great Wall, 
among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in theEgyptian Pyramids -
always by a Freemason. 

FRIENDLESS, adj.Having no favors to bestow.Destitute of fortune. 
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. 

FRIENDSHIP, n.A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, 
butonly one in foul. 

The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. 
(High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, 
The tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad!) 

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Armit Huff Bettle 

FROG, n.A reptile with edible legs.The first mention of frogs 
inprofane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them 
andthe mice.Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of 
thework, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann hasset 
the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slainfrogs.One 
of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh wasbesought to favor the 
Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh,who liked them _fricasees_, 
remarked, with truly oriental stoicism,that he could stand it as long as the 
frogs and the Jews could; so theprogramme was changed.The frog is a 
diligent songster, having a goodvoice but no ear.The libretto of his favorite 
opera, as written byAristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -
"brekekex-koax"; themusic is apparently by that eminent composer, 
Richard Wagner.Horseshave a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision 
of nature, enablingthem to shine in a hurdle race. 

FRYING-PAN, n.One part of the penal apparatus employed in 
thatpunitive institution, a woman's kitchen.The frying-pan was inventedby 
Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had diedwithout 
baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a trampwho had 
incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump anddevoured it, it 
occurred to the great divine to rob death of itsterrors by introducing the 
frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners 
of the world, and has been ofinvaluable assistance in the propagation of 
his sombre faith.Thefollowing lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace 
Bishop Potter)seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not 
limited tothis world; but as the consequences of its employment in this 
lifereach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on theother 
side, rewarding its devotees: 

Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter:"Your intentions Are 
good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions. 

"Now, broiling in an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported 
that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. 

"Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- Fry sinners brown and good in't." "I 
know a trick worth two o' that," Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." 

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FUNERAL, n.A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead 
byenriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditurethat 
deepens our groans and doubles our tears. 

The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy huntinggrounds the corse. Our friends expire -- we make the money fly In hope 
their souls will chase it to the sky. 

Jex Wopley 
FUTURE, n.That period of time in which our affairs prosper, 
ourfriends are true and our happiness is assured. 

G 

GALLOWS, n.A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in 
whichthe leading actor is translated to heaven.In this country thegallows is 
chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. 

Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The 
noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. 

(Old play) 

GARGOYLE, n.A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of 
mediaevalbuildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of 
somepersonal enemy of the architect or owner of the building.This 
wasespecially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structuresgenerally, 
in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' galleryof local heretics 
and controversialists.Sometimes when a new deanand chapter were 
installed the old gargoyles were removed and otherssubstituted having a 
closer relation to the private animosities of thenew incumbents. 

GARTHER, n.An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming 
outof her stockings and desolating the country. 

GENEROUS, adj.Originally this word meant noble by birth and 
wasrightly applied to a great multitude of persons.It now means nobleby 
nature and is taking a bit of a rest. 

GENEALOGY, n.An account of one's descent from an ancestor who 
didnot particularly care to trace his own. 

GENTEEL, adj.Refined, after the fashion of a gent. 

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Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is 
gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" 
presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents. 

GEOGRAPHER, n.A chap who can tell you offhand the difference 
betweenthe outside of the world and the inside. 

Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient 
town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of 
Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on 
migratory toads, Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful 
travelers bewailed their guide. 

Henry Haukhorn 

GEOLOGY, n.The science of the earth's crust -- to which, 
doubtless,will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come 
upgarrulous out of a well.The geological formations of the globealready 
noted are catalogued thus:The Primary, or lower one,consists of rocks, 
bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,antique statues minus the 
nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.TheSecondary is largely made up 
of red worms and moles.The Tertiarycomprises railway tracks, patent 
pavements, grass, snakes, mouldyboots, beer bottles, tomato cans, 
intoxicated citizens, garbage,anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. 

GHOST, n.The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. 

He saw a ghost. It occupied --that dismal thing! --The path that he 
was following. Before he'd time to stop and fly, An earthquake trifled with 
the eye That saw a ghost. He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved that 
awful vision stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly brushed 
away, and then He saw a post. 

Jared Macphester 

Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine 
mentionssomebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as 
muchafraid of us as we of them.Not quite, if I may judge from suchtables 
of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories ofmy own 
experience. There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts.A 
ghostnever comes naked:he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in 

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hishabit as he lived."To believe in him, then, is to believe that notonly 
have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there isnothing 
left of them, but that the same power inheres in textilefabrics.Supposing 
the products of the loom to have this ability,what object would they have 
in exercising it?And why does not theapparition of a suit of clothes 
sometimes walk abroad without a ghostin it?These be riddles of 
significance.They reach away down andget a convulsive grip on the very 
tap-root of this flourishing faith. 

GHOUL, n.A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of 
devouringthe dead.The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class 
ofcontroversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world 
ofcomforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place.In1640 
Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightenedit away 
with the sign of the cross.He describes it as gifted withmany heads an an 
uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in morethan one place at a 
time.The good man was coming away from dinner atthe time and explains 
that if he had not been "heavy with eating" hewould have seized the 
demon at all hazards.Atholston relates that aghoul was caught by some 
sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudburyand ducked in a horsepond.(He 
appears to think that so distinguisheda criminal should have been ducked 
in a tank of rosewater.)The waterturned at once to blood "and so contynues 
unto ys daye."The pond hassince been bled with a ditch.As late as the 
beginning of thefourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of 
the cathedralat Amiens and the whole population surrounded the 
place.Twenty armedmen with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, 
entered andcaptured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, 
hadtransformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but 
wasnevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of 
hideouspopular orgies.The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed 
was soaffected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed 
himselfin Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. 

GLUTTON, n.A person who escapes the evils of moderation 
bycommitting dyspepsia. 

GNOME, n.In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting 

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theinterior parts of the earth and having special custody of 
mineraltreasures.Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common 
enoughin the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently 
sawthem scampering on the hills in the evening 
twilight.LudwigBinkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black 
Forest, andSneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out 
of aSilesian mine.Basing our computations upon data supplied by 
thesestatements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early 
as1764. 

GNOSTICS, n.A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a 
fusionbetween the early Christians and the Platonists.The former would 
notgo into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrinof 
the fusion managers. 

GNU, n.An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated 
stateresembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag.In its wild condition it 
issomething like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. 

A hunter from Kew caught a distant view Of a peacefully meditative 
gnu, And he said:"I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue In its blood at a closer 
interview." But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw O'er the top of 
a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew:"It is well I withdrew 
Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu." 

Jarn Leffer 
GOOD, adj.Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. 
Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. 

GOOSE, n.A bird that supplies quills for writing.These, by someoccult 
process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with variousdegrees of the 
bird's intellectual energies and emotional character,so that when inked and 
drawn mechanically across paper by a personcalled an "author," there 
results a very fair and accurate transcriptof the fowl's thought and 
feeling.The difference in geese, asdiscovered by this ingenious method, is 
considerable:many are foundto have only trivial and insignificant powers, 
but some are seen to bevery great geese indeed. 

GORGON, n. 

The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old 

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That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And 

swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. 

GOUT, n.A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. 

GRACES, n.Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and 
Euphrosyne,who attended upon Venus, serving without salary.They were 
at noexpense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of 
anddressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened 
tobe blowing. 

GRAMMAR, n.A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the 
feetfor the self-made man, along the path by which he advances 
todistinction. 

GRAPE, n. 

Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy 
praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. 

The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer: My 
humbler service pray accept -- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The waterdrinkers and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor -- I'll gladly bear 
their belly-tanks And tap them with my sticker. 

Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e'er we let the wine rest. Here's 
death to Prohibition's fools, And every kind of vine-pest! 
Jamrach Holobom 
GRAPESHOT, n.An argument which the future is preparing in 
answer tothe demands of American Socialism. 
GRAVE, n.A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming 
ofthe medical student. 
Beside a lonely grave I stood -- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The 
winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered, 
A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear it blowing!" "'Course 
not," said he:"the feller's dead -- He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." 
"Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- No sound his sense can quicken!" 
"Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- The deadster ain't a-kickin'." 
I knelt and prayed:"O Father, smile On him, and mercy show him!" 
That countryman looked on the while, And said:"Ye didn't know him." 
Pobeter Dunko 

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GRAVITATION, n.The tendency of all bodies to approach one 
anotherwith a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -
the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strengthof 
their tendency to approach one another.This is a lovely andedifying 
illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B,makes B the 
proof of A. 

GREAT, adj. 

"I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign The monarch of the wood and 
plain!" 

The Elephant replied:"I'm great -- No quadruped can match my 
weight!" 

"I'm great -- no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. 

"I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see My femoral muscularity!" 

The 'Possum said:"I'm great --behold, My tail is lithe and bald and 
cold!" 

An Oyster fried was understood To say:"I'm great because I'm good!" 

Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the list, 

And Vierick thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass. 

Arion Spurl Doke 

GUILLOTINE, n.A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his 
shoulderswith good reason. In his great work on _Divergent Lines of 
Racial Evolution_, thelearned Professor Brayfugle argues from the 
prevalence of this gesture-- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are 
descended from turtlesand it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing 
the head insidethe shell.It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent 
anauthority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth 
andenforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. 
XI)the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important 
atheory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown.Ihave 
not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspiredby the 
guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. 

GUNPOWDER, n.An agency employed by civilized nations for 
thesettlement of disputes which might become troublesome if 
leftunadjusted.By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed 

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tothe Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence.Milton says itwas 
invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinionseems to 
derive some support from the scarcity of angels.Moreover,it has the hearty 
concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary ofAgriculture. Secretary 
Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an eventthat occurred on 
the Government experimental farm in the District ofColumbia.One day, 
several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent ofthe Secretary's profound 
attainments and personal character presentedhim with a sack of 
gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a 
Patagonian cereal of great commercialvalue, admirably adapted to this 
climate.The good Secretary wasinstructed to spill it along in a furrow and 
afterward inhume it withsoil.This he at once proceeded to do, and had 
made a continuous lineof it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he 
was made to lookbackward by a shout from the generous donor, who at 
once dropped alighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.Contact 
with theearth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled 
functionarysaw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke 
andfierce evolution.He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless,then 
he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himselfthence 
with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectatorsalong the route 
selected he appeared like a long, dim streakprolonging itself with 
inconceivable rapidity through seven villages,and audibly refusing to be 
comforted."Great Scott! what is that?"cried a surveyor's chainman, 
shading his eyes and gazing at the fadingline of agriculturist which 
bisected his visible horizon."That,"said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at 
the phenomenon and againcentering his attention upon his instrument, "is 
the Meridian ofWashington." 

H 

HABEAS CORPUS.A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail 
whenconfined for the wrong crime. 

HABIT, n.A shackle for the free. 

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HADES, n.The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; theplace 
where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not 
synonymous with ourHell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity 
residing there ina very comfortable kind of way.Indeed, the Elysian Fields 
themselveswere a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to 
Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process 
ofevolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by 
amajority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but 
aconscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the 
recordand struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.At 
thenext meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, 
suddenlysprang to his feet and said with considerable 
excitement:"Gentlemen,somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"Years 
afterward the goodprelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he 
had been themeans (under Providence) of making an important, 
serviceable andimmortal addition to the phraseology of the English 
tongue. 

HAG, n.An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; 
sometimescalled, also, a hen, or cat.Old witches, sorceresses, etc., 
werecalled hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a 
kindof baleful lumination or nimbus --hag being the popular name of 
thatpeculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.At one timehag 
was not a word of reproach:Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,all smiles," 
much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."It would notnow be proper to 
call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment isreserved for the use of her 
grandchildren. 

HALF, n.One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, 
orconsidered as divided.In the fourteenth century a heated discussionarose 
among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omnisciencecould part 
an object into three halves; and the pious FatherAldrovinus publicly 
prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God woulddemonstrate the 
affirmative of the proposition in some signal andunmistakable way, and 
particularly (if it should please Him) upon thebody of that hardy 
blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained thenegative.Procinus, 

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however, was spared to die of the bite of aviper. 

HALO, n.Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical 
body,but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," 
asomewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities 
andsaints.The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisturein the 
air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferredas a sign of 
superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,or the Pope's tiara.In 
the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, apious artist of Pesth, not only 
do the Virgin and the Child wear thenimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from 
the sacred manger is similarlydecorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, 
appears to bear hisunaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. 

HAND, n.A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm 
andcommonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 

HANDKERCHIEF, n.A small square of silk or linen, used in 
variousignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at 
funeralsto conceal the lack of tears.The handkerchief is of recentinvention; 
our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its dutiesto the 
sleeve.Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of"Othello" is an 
anachronism:Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,as Dr. Mary Walker 
and other reformers have done with their coattailsin our own day -- an 
evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. 

HANGMAN, n.An officer of the law charged with duties of the 
highestdignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by 
apopulace having a criminal ancestry.In some of the American Stateshis 
functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,where 
executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- thefirst instance 
known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning theexpediency of 
hanging Jerseymen. 

HAPPINESS, n.An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating 
themisery of another. 

HARANGUE, n.A speech by an opponent, who is known as an 
harrangue-outang. 

HARBOR, n.A place where ships taking shelter from stores are 
exposedto the fury of the customs. 

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HARMONISTS, n.A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came 
fromEurope in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished 
forthe bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. 

HASH, x.There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows 
whathash is. 

HATCHET, n.A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. 

"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White 

Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing 
rites, in the White Man's head. 
John Lukkus 
HATRED, n.A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of 

another'ssuperiority. 

HEAD-MONEY, n.A capitation tax, or poll-tax. 

In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not 
wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. 
For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims 
Perpetual repairing.So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the 
throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue."So 
great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collect 
Will scarcely meet them.Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, 
Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it 
occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," the 
spokesman said:"we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold; With platedware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron 
forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greed 
that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought 
were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state is 
desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." "O King of 
Men," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the 
augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the 
sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled 
grimly."I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone, 
Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this 
new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're 

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bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you 
this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my most 
trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And 
straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, 
Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!

 HEARSE, n.Death's baby-carriage. 

HEART, n.An automatic, muscular blood-pump.Figuratively, 
thisuseful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- avery 
pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a onceuniversal 
belief.It is now known that the sentiments and emotionsreside in the 
stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action ofthe gastric 
fluid.The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes afeeling -- tender or 
not, according to the age of the animal fromwhich it was cut; the 
successive stages of elaboration through which acaviar sandwich is 
transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as apungent epigram; the 
marvelous functional methods of converting ahard-boiled egg into 
religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sighof sensibility -- these things 
have been patiently ascertained by M.Pasteur, and by him expounded with 
convincing lucidity.(See, also,my monograph, _The Essential Identity of 
the Spiritual Affections andCertain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -
4to, 687 pp.)In ascientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio 
Demonorum_ (JohnCamden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the 
sentiments receives astriking illustration; and for further light consult 
Professor Dam'sfamous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary 
Maceration_. 

HEAT, n. 

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now 
how he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed With 
skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn 
free and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. 

Gorton Swope 
HEATHEN, n.A benighted creature who has the folly to 
worshipsomething that he can see and feel.According to Professor 

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Howison,of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. 

"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.He's A Christian 
philosopher.I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too 
much to the crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme. 

Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -
not they! -- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been 
reared in a way To joy in the thick of the fray. 

For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver: 
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- And 
I'm down upon him or her! 

Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all very 
well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know by 
the smell -- A secret and personal Hell! 

Bissell Gip 

HEAVEN, n.A place where the wicked cease from troubling you 
withtalk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attentionwhile 
you expound your own. 

HEBREW, n.A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, 
analtogether superior creation. 

HELPMATE, n.A wife, or bitter half. 

"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest."Since 
the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- For 
it's naught ye are ever doin'." 

"That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign of 
contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she 
helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" 

Marley Wottel 

HEMP, n.A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article 
ofneckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the openair 
and prevents the wearer from taking cold. 

HERMIT, n.A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. 

HERS, pron.His. 

HIBERNATE, v.i.To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. 
There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation 

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ofvarious animals.Many believe that the bear hibernates during thewhole 
winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.It isadmitted that it 
comes out of its retirement in the spring so leanthat it had to try twice 
before it can cast a shadow.Three or fourcenturies ago, in England, no fact 
was better attested than thatswallows passed the winter months in the mud 
at the bottom of theirbrooks, clinging together in globular masses.They 
have apparentlybeen compelled to give up the custom and account of the 
foulness ofthe brooks.Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole 
nationof people who hibernate.By some investigators, the fasting of Lentis 
supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, towhich 
the Church gave a religious significance; but this view wasstrenuously 
opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did notwish any 
honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. 

HIPPOGRIFF, n.An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and 
halfgriffin.The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion andhalf 
eagle.The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quartereagle, which is 
two dollars and fifty cents in gold.The study ofzoology is full of surprises. 

HISTORIAN, n.A broad-gauge gossip. 

HISTORY, n.An account mostly false, of events mostly 
unimportant,which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers 
mostlyfools. 

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.Faith, I 
wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he 
blundered and how much he lied. 

Salder Bupp 

HOG, n.A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite 
andserving to illustrate that of ours.Among the Mahometans and Jews,the 
hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected forthe delicacy and 
the melody of its voice.It is chiefly as a songsterthat the fowl is esteemed; 
the cage of him in full chorus has beenknown to draw tears from two 
persons at once.The scientific name ofthis dicky-bird is _Porcus 
Rockefelleri_.Mr. Rockefeller did notdiscover the hog, but it is considered 
his by right of resemblance. 

HOMOEOPATHIST, n.The humorist of the medical profession. 

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HOMOEOPATHY, n.A school of medicine midway between Allopathy 
andChristian Science.To the last both the others are distinctlyinferior, for 
Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and theycan not. 

HOMICIDE, n.The slaying of one human being by another.There 
arefour kinds of homocide:felonious, excusable, justifiable, 
andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person 
slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is 
foradvantage of the lawyers. 

HOMILETICS, n.The science of adapting sermons to the 
spiritualneeds, capacities and conditions of the congregation. 

So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and 
emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just 
discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse 
and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, 
His scriptural specifics this physician Administered --his pills so 
efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with 
ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But 
Slander's tongue --itself all coated --uttered Her bilious mind and 
scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills 
were sugar and the pukes were honey. 

_Biography of Bishop Potter_ 

HONORABLE, adj.Afflicted with an impediment in one's 
reach.Inlegislative bodies it is customary to mention all members 
ashonorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 

HOPE, n.Desire and expectation rolled into one. 

Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of 
friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil 
disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, 
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the 
skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. 

Fogarty Weffing 
HOSPITALITY, n.The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge 
certainpersons who are not in need of food and lodging. 
HOSTILITY, n.A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of 

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theearth's overpopulation.Hostility is classified as active andpassive; as 
(respectively) the feeling of a woman for her femalefriends, and that 
which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. 

HOURI, n.A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to 
makethings cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her 
existencemarks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he 
denies asoul.By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in 
deficientesteem. 

HOUSE, n.A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, 
rat,mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. 
_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personalservice, 
and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, a 
building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilent 
beast kept on domestic premises to insultpersons passing by and appal the 
hardy visitor._House-maid_, ayoungerly person of the opposing sex 
employed to be variouslydisagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the 
station in which it haspleased God to place her. 

HOUSELESS, adj.Having paid all taxes on household goods. 

HOVEL, n.The fruit of a flower called the Palace. 

Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:"I'll grovel 
Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a 
chalice. 

Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. 
Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle 
flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a 
[mockery.] 

HUMANITY, n.The human race, collectively, exclusive of 
theanthropoid poets. 

HUMORIST, n.A plague that would have softened down the 
hoarausterity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel 
withhis best wishes, cat-quick. 

Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, 
though still to gloom inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, 

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His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an 
equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company. 

Alexander Poke 

HURRICANE, n.An atmospheric demonstration once very common 
but nowgenerally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.The hurricane 
isstill in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certainoldfashioned sea-captains.It is also used in the construction ofthe upper decks 
of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane'susefulness has 
outlasted it. 

HURRY, n.The dispatch of bunglers. 

HUSBAND, n.One who, having dined, is charged with the care of 
theplate. 

HYBRID, n.A pooled issue. 

HYDRA, n.A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under 
manyheads. 

HYENA, n.A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from 
itshabit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.But 
themedical student does that. 

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.Depression of one's own spirits. 

Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish 
had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -
"Hypochondriasis."It meant The Dumps. 

Bogul S. Purvy 
HYPOCRITE, n.One who, profession virtues that he does not 
respectsecures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises. 

I 

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,the 
first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.Ingrammar it is a 
pronoun of the first person and singular number.Itsplural is said to be 
_We_, but how there can be more than one myselfis doubtless clearer the 
grammarians than it is to the author of thisincomparable 

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dictionary.Conception of two myselfs is difficult, butfine.The frank yet 
graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writerfrom a bad; the latter carries 
it with the manner of a thief trying tocloak his loot. 

ICHOR, n.A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place ofblood. 

Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: 
"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with 
ichorshed!" 

Mary Doke 

ICONOCLAST, n.A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof 
areimperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously 
protestthat he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down 
butpileth not up.For the poor things would have other idols in place 
ofthose he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.But theiconoclast 
saith:"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;and if the rebuilder 
fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depressthe head of him and sit 
thereon till he squawk it." 

IDIOT, n.A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 
inhuman affairs has always been dominant and controlling.The 
Idiot'sactivity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,but 
"pervades and regulates the whole."He has the last word ineverything; his 
decision is unappealable.He sets the fashions andopinion of taste, dictates 
the limitations of speech and circumscribesconduct with a dead-line. 

IDLENESS, n.A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds 
ofnew sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. 

IGNORAMUS, n.A person unacquainted with certain kinds of 
knowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you 
knownothing about. 

Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble 
said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark 
have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to 
Mumble:"Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm 
denied A knowledge -- you of all beside." 

Borelli 

ILLUMINATI, n.A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of 

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thesixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -
_cunctationes illuminati_. 

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy 
anddetraction. 

IMAGINATION, n.A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in 
jointownership. 

IMBECILITY, n.A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire 
affectingcensorious critics of this dictionary. 

IMMIGRANT, n.An unenlightened person who thinks one country 
betterthan another. 

IMMODEST, adj.Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled 
witha feeble conception of worth in others. 

There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he 
had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show. 

For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had 
taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a 
mountain peak. 

So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So 
humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before. 

Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to 
get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the 
minaret. 

There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his 
chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that 
beautiful bump 

Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bowstring too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little present 
for you." 

The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the 
same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!" 

Sukker Uffro 

IMMORAL, adj.Inexpedient.Whatever in the long run and with 
regardto the greater number of instances men find to be 
generallyinexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.If 

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man'snotions of right and wrong have any other basis than this 
ofexpediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any otherway; 
if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, andnowise 
dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is alie and reason 
a disorder of the mind. 

IMMORTALITY, n. 

A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, 
contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die 
for. 

IMPALE, v.t.In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which 
remainsfixed in the wound.This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple 
is,properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody, 
the victim being left in a sitting position.This was a commonmode of 
punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and isstill in high 
favor in China and other parts of Asia.Down to thebeginning of the 
fifteenth century it was widely employed in"churching" heretics and 
schismatics.Wolecraft calls it the "stooleof repentynge," and among the 
common people it was jocularly known as"riding the one legged 
horse."Ludwig Salzmann informs us that inThibet impalement is 
considered the most appropriate punishment forcrimes against religion; 
and although in China it is sometimes awardedfor secular offences, it is 
most frequently adjudged in cases ofsacrilege.To the person in actual 
experience of impalement it mustbe a matter of minor importance by what 
kind of civil or religiousdissent he was made acquainted with its 
discomforts; but doubtless hewould feel a certain satisfaction if able to 
contemplate himself inthe character of a weather-cock on the spire of the 
True Church. 

IMPARTIAL, adj.Unable to perceive any promise of personal 
advantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of 
twoconflicting opinions. 

IMPENITENCE, n.A state of mind intermediate in point of time 
betweensin and punishment. 

IMPIETY, n.Your irreverence toward my deity. 

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IMPOSITION, n.The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying 
onof hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, 
butperformed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. 

"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We 
consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'll 
swear till all is blue At such an imposition.Do." 

Pollo Doncas 

IMPOSTOR n.A rival aspirant to public honors. 

IMPROBABILITY, n. 

His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. 
Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the 
fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice 
averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who 
spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, 
indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized 
him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And 
tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" 
cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?"He raised 
Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As 
he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar 
myself." 

IMPROVIDENCE, n.Provision for the needs of to-day from the 
revenuesof to-morrow. 

IMPUNITY, n.Wealth. 

INADMISSIBLE, adj.Not competent to be considered.Said of 
certainkinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to 
beentrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even 
ofproceedings before themselves alone.Hearsay evidence is 
inadmissiblebecause the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the 
court forexamination; yet most momentous actions, military, 
political,commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on 
hearsayevidence.There is no religion in the world that has any other 
basisthan hearsay evidence.Revelation is hearsay evidence; that 
theScriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men 

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longdead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not 
knownto have been sworn in any sense.Under the rules of evidence as 
theynow exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in 
itssupport any evidence admissible in a court of law.It cannot beproved 
that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there wassuch as person 
as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. 

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easilybe 
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and werea 
scourge to mankind.The evidence (including confession) upon 
whichcertain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 
without aflaw; it is still unimpeachable.The judges' decisions based on 
itwere sound in logic and in law.Nothing in any existing court wasever 
more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorceryfor 
which so many suffered death.If there were no witches, humantestimony 
and human reason are alike destitute of value. 

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.In an unpromising manner, the auspices 
beingunfavorable.Among the Romans it was customary before 
undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, 
or stateprophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their 
favoriteand most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing 
theflight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. 
Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have 
decidedthat the word --always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" 
or"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of 
theAncient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The 
hilaritieswere auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." 

A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur."Tell me, pray, If -
" here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His 
open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A 
_denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then the 
slave proceeded:"Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or 
failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature?Never mind -
I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth, 
he drew Another denarius to view, Its shining face attentive scanned, Then 

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slipped it into the good man's hand, Who with great gravity said:"Wait 
While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew His 
scared clay and, passing through The temple's rearward gate, cried 
"Shoo!" Waving his robe of office.Straight Each sacred peacock and its 
mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With clamor from the trees 
o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roof 
received their flight, For thither they would always go, When danger 
threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: "My son, 
forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny 
success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan --
Which was (as well the craft seer Had from the first divined) to clear The 
wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees. 

INCOME, n.The natural and rational gauge and measure 
ofrespectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,arbitrary 
and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in theplay has justly 
remarked, "the true use and function of property (inwhatsoever it 
consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything 
which may be named as holden of right to one's ownsubservience) as also 
of honors, titles, preferments and place, andall favor and acquaintance of 
persons of quality or ableness, are butto get money.Hence it followeth that 
all things are truly to berated as of worth in measure of their 
serviceableness to that end; andtheir possessors should take rank in 
agreement thereto, neither thelord of an unproducing manor, howsoever 
broad and ancient, nor he whobears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the 
pauper favorite of a king,being esteemed of level excellency with him 
whose riches are of dailyaccretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is 
barren claim andrightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." 

INCOMPATIBILITY, n.In matrimony a similarity of tastes, 
particularlythe taste for domination.Incompatibility may, however, consist 
of ameek-eyed matron living just around the corner.It has even beenknown 
to wear a moustache. 

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.Unable to exist if something else 
exists.Twothings are incompossible when the world of being has scope 

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enough forone of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's 
poetry andGod's mercy to man.Incompossibility, it will be seen, is 
onlyincompatibility let loose.Instead of such low language as "Go 
heelyourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we 
areincompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and 
instately courtesy are altogether superior. 

INCUBUS, n.One of a race of highly improper demons who, 
thoughprobably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their 
bestnights.For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, 
including_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of 
Protassus(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that 
would beout of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the 
publicschools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan 
himself --tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, 
doubtless --sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience 
and alarmof the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage 
vows,generally speaking.A certain lady applied to the parish priest tolearn 
how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder fromtheir 
husbands.The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;but Hugo 
is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of thetest. 

INCUMBENT, n.A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 

INDECISION, n.The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith 
SirThomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way 
todo something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, itfolloweth 
that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so manychances of 
going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clearand satisfactory 
exposition on the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera 
Grant on a certainoccasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; 
you had but fiveminutes to make up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answered 
the victorious subordinate, "it is a greatthing to be know exactly what to 
do in an emergency.When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I never 
hesitate a moment -- I toss us acopper." "Do you mean to say that's what 
you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand 
me:Idisobeyed the coin." 

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INDIFFERENT, adj.Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. 

"You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown 
indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "I 
would be, dear, but it is not worth while." 

Apuleius M. Gokul 

INDIGESTION, n.A disease which the patient and his 
friendsfrequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for 
thesalvation of mankind.As the simple Red Man of the western wild putit, 
with, it must be confessed, a certain force:"Plenty well, nopray; big 
bellyache, heap God." 

INDISCRETION, n.The guilt of woman. 

INEXPEDIENT, adj.Not calculated to advance one's interests. 

INFANCY, n.The period of our lives when, according to 
Wordsworth,"Heaven lies about us."The world begins lying about us 
pretty soonafterward. 

INFERIAE,n.[Latin]Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices 
forpropitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for 
thepious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their 
spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a 
sailormight say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most 
unpromisingmaterials.It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit 
ofAgamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with 
anaudience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who propheticallyrecounted 
to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,giving him also a 
rapid but tolerably complete review of events downto the reign of Saint 
Louis.The narrative ended abruptly at thepoint, owing to the inconsiderate 
crowing of a cock, which compelledthe ghosted King of Men to scamper 
back to Hades.There is a finemediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has 
not been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer 
at the courtof Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of 
presumptionin considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's 
judgment of thematter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. 

INFIDEL, n.In New York, one who does not believe in the 
Christianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does.(See GIAOUR.)A kind 

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ofscoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,divines, 
ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,voodoos, presbyters, 
hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,missionaries, exhorters, 
deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, 
confessors, eminences, elders,primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, 
imaums, beneficiaries,clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, 
priors,preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, 
patriarchs,bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, 
diocesans,deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, 
archdeacons,hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, 
talapoins,postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, 
sextons,reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, 
chaplains,mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, 
lamas,sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, 
cardinals,prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs 
andpumpums. 

INFLUENCE, n.In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for 
asubstantial _quid_. 

INFALAPSARIAN, n.One who ventures to believe that Adam need 
not havesinned unless he had a mind to --in opposition to 
theSupralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was 
decreedfrom the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimes 
calledSublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and 
lucidityof their views about Adam. 

Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in 
colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor 
Adam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for 
the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Free 
will," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord had 
ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but 
bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps to 
the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either 
had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A 
gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his 

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eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily 
sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will) 
Cried:"Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference 
worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly 
interpret the names that they bear. _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! 
-- Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While _you_ --you 
Supralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. It's 
all the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown. Even 
Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal of 
thunder! 

INGRATE, n.One who receives a benefit from another, or is 
otherwisean object of charity. 

"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic."Nay," The good 
philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never 
since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified." 

"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am 
overcome, And fain would have his blessing.""Sad your fate -- He cannot 
bless you, for AI grieve to state This man is dumb."Ariel Selp 

INJURY, n.An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. 

INJUSTICE, n.A burden which of all those that we load upon 
othersand carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon 
theback. 

INK, n.A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic 
andwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 
promoteintellectual crime.The properties of ink are peculiar 
andcontradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; 
toblacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally 
andacceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of 
anedifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the 
rascalquality of the material.There are men called journalists who 
haveestablished ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, 
othersto get out of.Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paidto 
get in pays twice as much to get out. 

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INNATE, adj.Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,ideas 
that we are born with, having had them previously imparted tous.The 
doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faithsof philosophy, 
being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessibleto disproof, though 
Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it"a black eye."Among 
innate ideas may be mentioned the belief inone's ability to conduct a 
newspaper, in the greatness of one'scountry, in the superiority of one's 
civilization, in the importanceof one's personal affairs and in the 
interesting nature of one'sdiseases. 

IN'ARDS, n.The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.Many 
eminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that 
acuteobserver and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that 
themysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than ourimportant 
part.To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holdsthat man's soul is that 
prolongation of his spinal marrow which formsthe pith of his no tail; and 
for demonstration of his faith pointsconfidently to the fact that no tailed 
animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend 
judgment bybelieving both. 

INSCRIPTION, n.Something written on another thing.Inscriptions 
areof many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the 
fameof some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record 
ofhis services and virtues.To this class of inscriptions belongs thename of 
John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.Followingare 
examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:(See EPITAPH.) 

"In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by 
my body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 
1878." 

"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.Cut down May 9th, 
1862,aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.Indigenous." 

"Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth 
released the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias in 
the regions of bliss." 

"The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely 
known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to let me be S. Wood. O 

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Man, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W." 

"Richard Haymon, of Heaven.Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and hadthe 
dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." 

INSECTIVORA, n. 

"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence 
provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects 
follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows." 

Sempen Railey 

INSURANCE, n.An ingenious modern game of chance in which the 
playeris permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is 
beatingthe man who keeps the table. 

INSURANCE AGENT:My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let 
meinsure it. HOUSE OWNER:With pleasure.Please make the annual 
premium solow that by the time when, according to the tables of 
youractuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will havepaid you 
considerably less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT:O 
dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that 
you will have paid more. HOUSE OWNER:How, then, can _I_ afford 
_that_? INSURANCE AGENT:Why, your house may burn down at any 
time. There was Smith's house, for example, which --HOUSE 
OWNER:Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on thecontrary, and 
Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --INSURANCE 
AGENT:Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER:Let us understand each other.You 
want me to payyou money on the supposition that something will 
occurpreviously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.Inother 
words, you expect me to bet that my house will not lastso long as you say 
that it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT:But if your house burns 
without insurance itwill be a total loss. HOUSE OWNER:Beg your pardon 
-- by your own actuary's tables Ishall probably have saved, when it burns, 
all the premiums Iwould otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more 
than theface of the policy they would have bought.But suppose it toburn, 
uninsured, before the time upon which your figures arebased.If I could not 
afford that, how could you if it wereinsured? INSURANCE AGENT:O, 
we should make ourselves whole from ourluckier ventures with other 

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clients.Virtually, they pay yourloss. HOUSE OWNER:And virtually, then, 
don't I help to pay theirlosses?Are not their houses as likely as mine to 
burn beforethey have paid you as much as you must pay them?The 
casestands this way:you expect to take more money from yourclients than 
you pay to them, do you not? INSURANCE AGENT:Certainly; if we did 
not -- HOUSE OWNER:I would not trust you with my money.Very 
wellthen.If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body ofyour clients, 
that they lose money on you it is _probable_,with reference to any one of 
them, that _he_ will.It isthese individual probabilities that make the 
aggregatecertainty. INSURANCE AGENT:I will not deny it -- but look at 
the figures inthis pamph --HOUSE OWNER:Heaven forbid! 
INSURANCE AGENT:You spoke of saving the premiums which you 
wouldotherwise pay to me.Will you not be more likely to 
squanderthem?We offer you an incentive to thrift. HOUSE OWNER:The 
willingness of A to take care of B's money isnot peculiar to insurance, but 
as a charitable institution youcommand esteem.Deign to accept its 
expression from aDeserving Object. 

INSURRECTION, n.An unsuccessful revolution.Disaffection's 
failureto substitute misrule for bad government. 

INTENTION, n.The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set 
ofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is the 
imminence,immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. 

INTERPRETER, n.One who enables two persons of different 
languages tounderstand each other by repeating to each what it would 
have been tothe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 

INTERREGNUM, n.The period during which a monarchical country 
isgoverned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.The experimentof 
letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by mostunhappy 
results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warmagain. 

INTIMACY, n.A relation into which fools are providentially drawn 
fortheir mutual destruction. 

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew 
And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook 
their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their 

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intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences 
straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each 
remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he 
had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they 
felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their 
feelings.Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on 
friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you are 
you and I am I. 

INTRODUCTION, n.A social ceremony invented by the devil for 
thegratification of his servants and the plaguing of his 
enemies.Theintroduction attains its most malevolent development in this 
century,being, indeed, closely related to our political 
system.EveryAmerican being the equal of every other American, it 
follows thateverybody has the right to know everybody else, which 
implies theright to introduce without request or permission.The 
Declaration ofIndependence should have read thus: 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident:that all men arecreated equal; 
that they are endowed by their Creator with certaininalienable rights; that 
among these are life, and the right tomake that of another miserable by 
thrusting upon him anincalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, 
particularly theliberty to introduce persons to one another without 
firstascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; andthe 
pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack ofstrangers." 

INVENTOR, n.A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of 
wheels,levers and springs, and believes it civilization. 

IRRELIGION, n.The principal one of the great faiths of the world. 

ITCH, n.The patriotism of a Scotchman. 

J 

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --than 
which nothing could be more absurd.Its original form, which hasbeen but 
slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, andit was not a 

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letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb,_jacere_, "to throw," 
because when a stone is thrown at a dog thedog's tail assumes that 
shape.This is the origin of the letter, asexpounded by the renowned Dr. 
Jocolpus Bumer, of the University ofBelgrade, who established his 
conclusions on the subject in a work ofthree quarto volumes and 
committed suicide on being reminded that thej in the Roman alphabet had 
originally no curl. 

JEALOUS, adj.Unduly concerned about the preservation of that 
whichcan be lost only if not worth keeping. 

JESTER, n.An officer formerly attached to a king's household, 
whosebusiness it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions 
andutterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.Theking 
himself being attired with dignity, it took the world somecenturies to 
discover that his own conduct and decrees weresufficiently ridiculous for 
the amusement not only of his court but ofall mankind.The jester was 
commonly called a fool, but the poets andromancers have ever delighted 
to represent him as a singularly wiseand witty person.In the circus of today the melancholy ghost of thecourt fool effects the dejection of humbler 
audiences with the samejests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, 
panged thepatrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. 

The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered 
the confessional Disguised, and there confessed her. 

"Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- My sins are more than 
scarlet: I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, And common, base-born 
varlet." 

"Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin, indeed, is awful: The 
church's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But since thy stubborn 
heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by 
decree, A man of birth and breeding." 

She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then 
told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! 
Barel Dort 
JEWS-HARP, n.An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast 
withthe teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. 

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JOSS-STICKS, n.Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their 
pagantomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. 

JUSTICE, n.A commodity which is a more or less adulterated 
conditionthe State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, 
taxesand personal service. 

K 

K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be 
tracedaway back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial 
nationinhabiting the peninsula of Smero.In their tongue it was 
called_Klatch_, which means "destroyed."The form of the letter 
wasoriginally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedekerexplains 
that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate thedestruction of 
the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_730 B.C.This building 
was famous for the two lofty columns of itsportico, one of which was 
broken in half by the catastrophe, the otherremaining intact.As the earlier 
form of the letter is supposed tohave been suggested by these pillars, so, it 
is thought by the greatantiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and 
natural -- not to saytouching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the 
national memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an 
additionalmnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the 
destruction oneof nature's pums.As each theory seems probable enough, I 
see noobjection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself 
onthat side of the question. 

KEEP, v.t. 

He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, 
Murmuring:"Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep." But 
when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? -- for the dead keep 
naught. 

Durang Gophel Arn 

KILL, v.t.To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. 

KILT, n.A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America 

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andAmericans in Scotland. 

KINDNESS, n.A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. 

KING, n.A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned 
head,"although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak 
of. 

A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I were 
you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief to 
pester." 

"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said -- "if you'll 
hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've 
The most forgiving spirit." 

Oogum Bem 

KING'S EVIL, n.A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of 
thesovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians.Thus 'themost 
pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon theailing 
subjects and make them whole -

a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure:their malady convinces 
The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven given 
his hand, They presently amend, 

as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it.This useful property of theroyal 
hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crownproperties; 
for according to "Malcolm," 

'tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing 
benediction. 

But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession:thelater 
sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and thedisease once 
honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humblerone of 
"scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow.The date and author of thefollowing 
epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, butit is old 
enough to show that the jest about Scotland's nationaldisorder is not a 
thing of yesterday. 

Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. 
He layde his hand on mine and sayd: "Be gone!"Ye ill no longer stayd. But 
O ye wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight:I have ye itche! 

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The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction isdead, but 
like many a departed conviction it has left a monument ofcustom to keep 
its memory green.The practice of forming a line andshaking the 
President's hand had no other origin, and when that greatdignitary bestows 
his healing salutation on 

strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The 
mere despair of surgery, 

he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which 
oncewas kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes ofmen.It 
is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which bringsthe sainted past 
close home in our "business and bosoms." 

KISS, n.A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss."It 
issupposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or 
ceremonyappertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of 
itsperformance is unknown to this lexicographer. 

KLEPTOMANIAC, n.A rich thief. 

KNIGHT, n. 

Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a 
fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: We must 
knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, 
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, 
Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. God speed the day when this 
knighting fad Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. 

KORAN, n.A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have 
beenwritten by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be 
awicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. 

L 

LABOR, n.One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 

LAND, n.A part of the earth's surface, considered as 
property.Thetheory that land is property subject to private ownership and 
controlis the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of 

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thesuperstructure.Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that somehave 
the right to prevent others from living; for the right to ownimplies the right 
exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespassare enacted wherever 
property in land is recognized.It follows thatif the whole area of _terra 
firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there willbe no place for D, E, F and G to 
be born, or, born as trespassers, toexist. 

A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark 
the nature gave I have there the right to keep. 
They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the 
flashing brine -- I'm a natural commodore! 
Dodle 
LANGUAGE, n.The music with which we charm the serpents 
guardinganother's treasure. 

LAOCOON, n.A famous piece of antique scripture representing a 
priestof that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. 
The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support 
theserpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded 
asone of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of 
humanintelligence over brute inertia. 

LAP, n.One of the most important organs of the female system -
anadmirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but 
chieflyuseful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken andheads 
of adult males.The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,imperfectly 
developed and in no way contributing to the animal'ssubstantial welfare. 

LAST, n.A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence 
asopportunity to the maker of puns. 

Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, 
So that I might forget his last And hear your own. 

Gargo Repsky 

LAUGHTER, n.An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of 
thefeatures and accompanied by inarticulate noises.It is infectiousand, 
though intermittent, incurable.Liability to attacks of laughteris one of the 
characteristics distinguishing man from the animals --these being not only 
inaccessible to the provocation of his example,but impregnable to the 

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microbes having original jurisdiction inbestowal of the disease.Whether 
laughter could be imparted toanimals by inoculation from the human 
patient is a question that hasnot been answered by experimentation.Dr. 
Meir Witchell holds thatthe infection character of laughter is due to the 
instantaneousfermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray.From this 
peculiarity henames the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. 

LAUREATE, adj.Crowned with leaves of the laurel.In England 
thePoet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting asdancing 
skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royalfuneral.Of all 
incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey hadthe most notable knack 
at drugging the Samson of public joy andcutting his hair to the quick; and 
he had an artistic color-sensewhich enabled him so to blacken a public 
grief as to give it theaspect of a national crime. 

LAUREL, n.The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, 
andformerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets 
ashad influence at court.(_Vide supra._) 

LAW, n. 

Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. 
Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here." 

Then Justice came.His Honor cried: "_Your_ status? -- devil seize 
you!" "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please 
you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- I never saw your face 
before!" 

LAWFUL, adj.Compatible with the will of a judge having 
jurisdiction. 

LAWYER, n.One skilled in circumvention of the law. 

LAZINESS, n.Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low 
degree. 

LEAD, n.A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability 
tolight lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but othermen's 
wives.Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to anargument of 
such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrongway.An interesting 

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fact in the chemistry of internationalcontroversy is that at the point of 
contact of two patriotisms lead isprecipitated in great quantities. 

Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great And universal arbiter; 
endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud Fogging the field of 
controversial hate, And with a sift, inevitable, straight, Searching precision 
find the unavowed But vital point.Thy judgment, when allowed By the 
chirurgeon, settles the debate. O useful metal! -- were it not for thee We'd 
grapple one another's ears alway: But when we hear thee buzzing like a 
bee We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." And when the quick have 
run away like pellets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 

LEARNING, n.The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. 

LECTURER, n.One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your 
earand his faith in your patience. 

LEGACY, n.A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale oftears. 

LEONINE, adj.Unlike a menagerie lion.Leonine verses are those 
inwhich a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, asin 
this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: 

The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 
'twixt his snores:"O tempora! O mores!" 

It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake toteach 
pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues.Leonine versesare so called 
in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear tofind a pleasure in 
believing to have been the first to discover that arhyming couplet could be 
run into a single line. 

LETTUCE, n.An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says 
thatpious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward 
thegood and punish the wicked.For by his inner light the righteous manhas 
discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to theappetency 
whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, beingreconciled and 
ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entirecomestible making glad the 
heart of the godly and causing his face toshine.But the person of spiritual 
unworth is successfully tempted tothe Adversary to eat of lettuce with 
destitution of oil, mustard, egg,salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of 
vinegar polluted withsugar.Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth 

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suffers anintestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." 

LEVIATHAN, n.An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by 
Job.Somesuppose it to have been the whale, but that 
distinguishedichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains 
withconsiderable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole 
(_ThaddeusPolandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_.For 
anexhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the 
famousmonograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. 

LEXICOGRAPHER, n.A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense 
ofrecording some particular stage in the development of a language, 
doeswhat he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility andmechanize its 
methods.For your lexicographer, having written hisdictionary, comes to be 
considered "as one having authority," whereashis function is only to make 
a record, not to give a law.The naturalservility of the human understanding 
having invested him with judicialpower, surrenders its right of reason and 
submits itself to achronicle as if it were a statue.Let the dictionary (for 
example)mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few 
menthereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and 
howeverdesirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process 
ofimproverishment is accelerated and speech decays.On the 
contrary,recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it 
growat all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, 
hasno following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary"-
although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heavenforgive him!) 
no author ever had used a word that _was_ in thedictionary.In the golden 
prime and high noon of English speech; whenfrom the lips of the great 
Elizabethans fell words that made their ownmeaning and carried it in their 
very sound; when a Shakespeare and aBacon were possible, and the 
language now rapidly perishing at one endand slowly renewed at the other 
was in vigorous growth and hardypreservation -- sweeter than honey and 
stronger than a lion -- thelexicographer was a person unknown, the 
dictionary a creation whichhis Creator had not created him to create. 

God said:"Let Spirit perish into Form," And lexicographers arose, a 
swarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, And 

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catalogued each garment in a book. Now, from her leafy covert when she 
cries: "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise And scan the list, and 
say without compassion: "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." 

Sigismund Smith 

LIAR, n.A lawyer with a roving commission. 

LIBERTY, n.One of Imagination's most precious possessions. 

The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the 
palace:"Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; 
You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." 

Martha Braymance 

LICKSPITTLE, n.A useful functionary, not infrequently found 
editinga newspaper.In his character of editor he is closely allied to 
theblackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth thelickspittle is 
only the blackmailer under another aspect, although thelatter is frequently 
found as an independent species.Lickspittlingis more detestable than 
blackmailing, precisely as the business of aconfidence man is more 
detestable than that of a highway robber; andthe parallel maintains itself 
throughout, for whereas few robbers willcheat, every sneak will plunder if 
he dare. 

LIFE, n.A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.We livein 
daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, 
"Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;particularly by those who 
think it is not, many of whom have writtenat great length in support of 
their view and by careful observance ofthe laws of health enjoyed for long 
terms of years the honors ofsuccessful controversy. 

"Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the 
golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more 
strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Go 
fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. 

Han Soper 

LIGHTHOUSE, n.A tall building on the seashore in which 
thegovernment maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 

LIMB, n.The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. 

'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced 

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them tight To a very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think he 
ought -- Higher than _can_ be right. For the Bible declares -- but never 
mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With others for sins 
that I'm not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his weakness, and 
though my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in, 
Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to 
say, The boots in question were _made_ that way. As he drew the lace she 
made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: "This boot, I'm sure, is too 
high to endure, It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." The salesman smiled in a 
manner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child; Then, checking himself, 
to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he didn't care 
two figs For her paints and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with 
speech and manner just Befitting his calling:"Madam, I trust That it 
doesn't hurt your twigs." 

B. Percival Dike 
LINEN, n."A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of 
hemp,entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. 
LITIGANT, n.A person about to give up his skin for the hope 
ofretaining his bones. 
LITIGATION, n.A machine which you go into as a pig and come out 
ofas a sausage. 
LIVER, n.A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to 
bebilious with.The sentiments and emotions which every literaryanatomist 
now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed toinfest the liver; 
and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional sideof human nature, calls 
it "our hepaticall parte."It was at one timeconsidered the seat of life; hence 
its name -- liver, the thing welive with.The liver is heaven's best gift to the 
goose; without itthat bird would be unable to supply us with the 
Strasbourg _pate_. 

LL.D.Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, 
onelearned in laws, gifted with legal gumption.Some suspicion is castupon 
this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._,and 
conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.Atthe date of 
this writing Columbia University is considering theexpediency of making 

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another degree for clergymen, in place of the oldD.D. -- _Damnator 
Diaboli_.The new honor will be known as _SanctorumCustus_, and 
written _$$c_.The name of the Rev. John Satan has beensuggested as a 
suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, whopoints out that Professor 
Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed theadvantage of a degree. 

LOCK-AND-KEY, n.The distinguishing device of civilization 
andenlightenment. 

LODGER, n.A less popular name for the Second Person of 
thatdelectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. 

LOGIC, n.The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance 
withthe limitations and incapacities of the human 
misunderstanding.Thebasic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major 
and a minorpremise and a conclusion -- thus: _Major Premise_:Sixty men 
can do a piece of work sixty times asquickly as one man. _Minor 
Premise_:One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;therefore -
_Conclusion_:Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. This may be 
called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, bycombining logic and 
mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and aretwice blessed. 

LOGOMACHY, n.A war in which the weapons are words and the 
woundspunctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest 
inwhich, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor isdenied 
the reward of success. 

'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of 
Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit 
we perish too. 

LOGANIMITY, n.The disposition to endure injury with meek 
forbearancewhile maturing a plan of revenge. 

LONGEVITY, n.Uncommon extension of the fear of death. 

LOOKING-GLASS, n.A vitreous plane upon which to display a 
fleetingshow for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a 
magic looking-glass, whereon whosolooked saw, not his own image, but 
only that of the king.A certaincourtier who had long enjoyed the king's 
favor and was therebyenriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said 
to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent 

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out ofthine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible 
shadow,prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy 
benigncountenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday 
Sun ofthe Universe!" Please with the speech, the king commanded that the 
mirror beconveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone 
thitherwithout apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught 
butidle lumber.And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced 
withcobwebs.This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering theglass, 
and was sorely hurt.Enraged all the more by this mischance,he 
commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, andthat the 
glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and thiswas done.But 
when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not hisimage as before, 
but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloodybandage on one of its 
hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all whohad looked upon it had before 
discerned but feared to report.Taughtwisdom and charity, the king restored 
his courtier to liberty, had themirror set into the back of the throne and 
reigned many years withjustice and humility; and one day when he fell 
asleep in death whileon the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the 
luminous figureof an angel, which remains to this day. 

LOQUACITY, n.A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to 
curbhis tongue when you wish to talk. 

LORD, n.In American society, an English tourist above the state of 
acostermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so 
forth.Thetraveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 
'ArryDonkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.The word "Lord" is sometimes used, 
also,as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be ratherflattery 
than true reverence. 

Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering 
English lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," A parent 
who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare 
Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding 
the truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad to 
relate, he'd arrived at the stage Of existence that's marked by the vices of 
age. Among them, cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the 

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pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw 
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of 
augmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neatfitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks 
instead; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that looked 
like a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Each 
morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his 
eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was 
enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous 
and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to 
the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at 
their temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly 
sweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. 
Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the 
Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His 
lordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land of the nobleman's 
natural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell -
suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! 

LORE, n.Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived froma 
regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occultbooks, or 
by nature.This latter is commonly designated as folk-loreand embraces 
popularly myths and superstitions.In Baring-Gould's_Curious Myths of 
the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of thesetraced backward, 
through various people son converging lines, toward acommon origin in 
remote antiquity.Among these are the fables of"Teddy the Giant Killer," 
"The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "LittleRed Riding Hood and the 
Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "TheSeven Aldermen of 
Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth.Thefable with Goethe so 
affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two 
thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and theInfant Industry."One 
of the most general and ancient of these mythsis that Arabian tale of "Ali 
Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."LOSS, n.Privation of that which we had, 
or had not.Thus, in thelatter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he 

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"lost hiselection"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has 
"losthis mind."It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that theword 
is used in the famous epitaph: 

Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain, 
For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was 
ours. 

LOVE, n.A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal 
ofthe patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. 
This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent 
onlyamong civilized races living under artificial conditions; 
barbarousnations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy 
immunity fromits ravages.It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to 
thephysician than to the patient. 

LOW-BRED, adj."Raised" instead of brought up. 

LUMINARY, n.One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by 
notwriting about it. 

LUNARIAN, n.An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished 
fromLunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.The Lunarians have 
beendescribed by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without 
muchagreement.For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical 
identitywith Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the 
hilltribes of Vermont. 

LYRE, n.An ancient instrument of torture.The word is now used in 
afigurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the followingfiery lines 
of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: 

I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient 
wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention 
scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When, 
with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, 
The word shall suffer when I let them go! 

Farquharson Harris 

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M


MACE, n.A staff of office signifying authority.Its form, that of aheavy 
club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading fromdissent. 

MACHINATION, n.The method employed by one's opponents in 
bafflingone's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. 

So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral 
obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound 
to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, 
And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. 

R.S.K. 
MACROBIAN, n.One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. 
History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to 
OldParr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well 
known.ACalabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that 
hehad what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. 
Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that hecould 
remember a time when he did not deserve hanging.In 1566 alinen draper 
of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived fivehundred years, and that 
in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity 
(_macrobiosis_) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old 
enough to know better.The editor of_The American_, a newspaper in New 
York City, has a memory that goesback to the time when he was a rascal, 
but not to the fact.ThePresident of the United States was born so long ago 
that many of thefriends of his youth have risen to high political and 
militarypreferment without the assistance of personal merit.The 
versesfollowing were written by a macrobian: 

When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. A 
brightness was in all the air, In all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine 
and funny, The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well, 
And when you heard a bit of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were not 
ranting, shouting, reeking, Nor women "generally speaking." 

The Summer then was long indeed: It lasted one whole season! The 

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sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason To bring the 
early peas on. Now, where the dickens is the sense In calling that a year 
Which does no more than just commence Before the end is near? When I 
was young the year extended From month to month until it ended. I know 
not why the world has changed To something dark and dreary, And 
everything is now arranged To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man -- I 
fear he Has much to do with it, for, sure, The air is not the same: It chokes 
you when it is impure, When pure it makes you lame. With windows 
closed you are asthmatic; Open, neuralgic or sciatic. 

Well, I suppose this new regime Of dun degeneration Seems eviler 
than it would seem To a better observation, And has for compensation 
Some blessings in a deep disguise Which mortal sight has failed To pierce, 
although to angels' eyes They're visible unveiled. If Age is such a boon, 
good land! He's costumed by a master hand! 

Venable Strigg 

MAD, adj.Affected with a high degree of intellectual 
independence;not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action 
derived bythe conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the 
majority;in short, unusual.It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced 
madby officials destitute of evidence that themselves are 
sane.Forillustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is nofirmer 
in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of anymadhouse in the 
land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, insteadof the lofty occupation 
that seems to him to be engaging his powers hemay really be beating his 
hands against the window bars of an asylumand declaring himself Noah 
Webster, to the innocent delight of manythoughtless spectators. 

MAGDALENE, n.An inhabitant of Magdala.Popularly, a woman 
foundout.This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, 
Maryof Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned 
bySt. Luke.It has also the official sanction of the governments ofGreat 
Britain and the United States.In England the word ispronounced Maudlin, 
whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantlysentimental.With their Maudlin 
for Magdalene, and their Bedlam forBethlehem, the English may justly 
boast themselves the greatest ofrevisers. 

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MAGIC, n.An art of converting superstition into coin.There areother 
arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreetlexicographer does not 
name them. 

MAGNET, n.Something acted upon by magnetism. 

MAGNETISM, n.Something acting upon a magnet. The two 
definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from theworks of one 
thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated thesubject with a great 
white light, to the inexpressible advancement ofhuman knowledge. 

MAGNIFICENT, adj.Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that 
towhich the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit,or the 
glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. 

MAGNITUDE, n.Size.Magnitude being purely relative, nothing 
islarge and nothing small.If everything in the universe were increasedin 
bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it 
wasbefore, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would 
belarger than they had been.To an understanding familiar with therelativity 
of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of theastronomer would 
be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we 
know to the contrary, the visible universe may be asmall part of an atom, 
with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of 
some animal.Possibly the wee creaturespeopling the corpuscles of our own 
blood are overcome with the properemotion when contemplating the 

unthinkable distance from one of theseto another. 
MAGPIE, n.A bird whose thievishsomeonethat it might be taught to talk. 
MAIDEN, n.A young person of the 
disposition 
unfair sex 
suggested 
addictedto 
to 

clewlessconduct and views that madden to crime.The genus has a 
widegeographical distribution, being found wherever sought and 
deploredwherever found.The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the 
eye,nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, 
thoughin respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, 
withregard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the fieldby the 
canary -- which, also, is more portable. 

A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- This quaint, sweet song sang she; 

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"It's O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The 
Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch by 
right divine, And never to roast on it -- me!" 

Opoline Jones 

MAJESTY, n.The state and title of a king.Regarded with a 
justcontempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, 
GreatIncohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable 
ordersof republican America. 

MALE, n.A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.The maleof 
the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere 
Man.Thegenus has two varieties:good providers and bad providers. 

MALEFACTOR, n.The chief factor in the progress of the human race. 

MALTHUSIAN, adj.Pertaining to Malthus and his 
doctrines.Malthusbelieved in artificially limiting population, but found 
that it couldnot be done by talking.One of the most practical exponents of 
theMalthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous 
soldiershave been of the same way of thinking. 

MAMMALIA, n.pl.A family of vertebrate animals whose females in 
astate of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightenedput 
them out to nurse, or use the bottle. 

MAMMON, n.The god of the world's leading religion.The chief 
templeis in the holy city of New York. 

He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his 
knees in the worship of Mammon. 

Jared Oopf 

MAN, n.An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what 
hethinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.Hischief 
occupation is extermination of other animals and his ownspecies, which, 
however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as toinfest the whole 
habitable earh and Canada. 

When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was 
pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew 'Mongst kings and priest and 
peasant. We're not that way at present, Save here in this Republic, where 
We have that old regime, For all are kings, however bare Their backs, 

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howe'er extreme Their hunger.And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the 
tyrant of his party's choice. 

A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was detested, Was one 
day with a tarry coat (With feathers backed and breasted) By patriots 
invested. "It is your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast For 
the man o' your choice."He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past: 
"That's what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has 
never run." 

Apperton Duke 

MANES, n.The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans.They 
were ina state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they 
hadexhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have 
beenparticularly happy afterward. 

MANICHEISM, n.The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant 
warfarebetween Good and Evil.When Good gave up the fight the 
Persiansjoined the victorious Opposition. 

MANNA, n.A food miraculously given to the Israelites in 
thewilderness.When it was no longer supplied to them they settleddown 
and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodiesof the original 
occupants. 

MARRIAGE, n.The state or condition of a community consisting of 
amaster, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. 

MARTYR, n.One who moves along the line of least reluctance to 
adesired death. 

MATERIAL, adj.Having an actual existence, as distinguished from 
animaginary one.Important. 

Material things I know, or fell, or see; All else is immaterial to me. 

Jamrach Holobom 

MAUSOLEUM, n.The final and funniest folly of the rich. 
MAYONNAISE, n.One of the sauces which serve the French in place 
of astate religion. 

ME, pro.The objectionable case of I.The personal pronoun inEnglish 
has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and theoppressive.Each 
is all three. 

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MEANDER, n.To proceed sinuously and aimlessly.The word is 
theancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south ofTroy, 
which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearingwhen the 
Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. 

MEDAL, n.A small metal disk given as a reward for 
virtues,attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related of 
Bismark, who had been awarded a medal forgallantly rescuing a drowning 
person, that, being asked the meaning ofthe medal, he replied:"I save lives 
sometimes."And sometimes hedidn't. 

MEDICINE, n.A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in 
Broadway. 

MEEKNESS, n.Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is 
worthwhile. 

M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The 
meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, 
But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. 

_The Biographical Alphabet_ 

MEERSCHAUM, n.(Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously 
supposedto be made of it.)A fine white clay, which for convenience 
incoloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the 
workmenengaged in that industry.The purpose of coloring it has not 
beendisclosed by the manufacturers. 

There was a youth (you've heard before, This woeful tale, may be), 
Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That color it would he! 

He shut himself from the world away, Nor any soul he saw. He smoke 
by night, he smoked by day, As hard as he could draw. 

His dog died moaning in the wrath Of winds that blew aloof; The 
weeds were in the gravel path, The owl was on the roof. 

"He's gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And so 
they batter in the door To take his goods away. 

Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, Nut-brown in face and limb. 
"That pipe's a lovely white," they say, "But it has colored him!" 

The moral there's small need to sing -- 'Tis plain as day to you: Don't 
play your game on any thing That is a gamester too. 

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Martin Bulstrode 

MENDACIOUS, adj.Addicted to rhetoric. 

MERCHANT, n.One engaged in a commercial pursuit.A 
commercialpursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. 

MERCY, n.An attribute beloved of detected offenders. 

MESMERISM, n.Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a 
carriageand asked Incredulity to dinner. 

METROPOLIS, n.A stronghold of provincialism. 

MILLENNIUM, n.The period of a thousand years when the lid is to 
bescrewed down, with all reformers on the under side. 

MIND, n.A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.Itschief 
activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,the futility of 
the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothingbut itself to know itself 
with.From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknownto that honest shoe-seller, 
who, observing that his learned competitorover the way had displayed the 
motto "_Mens conscia recti_,"emblazoned his own front with the words 
"Men's, women's and children'sconscia recti." 

MINE, adj.Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. 

MINISTER, n.An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. 
In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the 
visibleembodiment of his sovereign's hostility.His principal qualificationis 
a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. 

MINOR, adj.Less objectionable. 

MINSTREL, adj.Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger 
witha color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood 
canbear. 

MIRACLE, n.An act or event out of the order of nature 
andunaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace 
withfour aces and a king. 

MISCREANT, n.A person of the highest degree of unworth. 
Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its presentsignification 
may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution tothe development of 
our language. 

MISDEMEANOR, n.An infraction of the law having less dignity than 

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afelony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best 
criminalsociety. 

By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O, 
woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand "Captains of industry" 
refused his hand, "Kings of finance" denied him recognition And "railway 
magnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himself 
respected. They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. 

S.V. Hanipur 
MISERICORDE, n.A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used 
by thefoot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. 

MISFORTUNE, n.The kind of fortune that never misses. 

MISS, n.The title with which we brand unmarried women to 
indicatethat they are in the market.Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) 
arethe three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in 
soundand sense.Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master.Inthe 
general abolition of social titles in this our country theymiraculously 
escaped to plague us.If we must have them let us beconsistent and give 
one to the unmarried man.I venture to suggestMush, abbreviated to Mh. 

MOLECULE, n.The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.It 
isdistinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unitof 
matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,indivisible 
unit of matter.Three great scientific theories of thestructure of the universe 
are the molecular, the corpuscular and theatomic.A fourth affirms, with 
Haeckel, the condensation ofprecipitation of matter from ether --whose 
existence is proved by thecondensation of precipitation.The present trend 
of scientificthought is toward the theory of ions.The ion differs from 
themolecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.A fifththeory is 
held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any moreabout the matter 
than the others. 

MONAD, n.The ultimate, indivisible unit of 
matter.(See_Molecule_.)According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems 
willing tobe understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind 
withoutmanifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power 
ofconsidering.He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, whichthe 

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creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. Small as 
he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilitiesneedful to his 
evolution into a German philosopher of the first class-- altogether a very 
capable little fellow.He is not to beconfounded with the microbe, or 
bacillus; by its inability to discernhim, a good microscope shows him to be 
of an entirely distinctspecies. 

MONARCH, n.A person engaged in reigning.Formerly the 
monarchruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many 
subjectshave had occasion to learn.In Russia and the Orient the monarch 
hasstill a considerable influence in public affairs and in thedisposition of 
the human head, but in western Europe politicaladministration is mostly 
entrusted to his ministers, he beingsomewhat preoccupied with reflections 
relating to the status of hisown head. 

MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n.Government. 

MONDAY, n.In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 

MONEY, n.A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when 
wepart with it.An evidence of culture and a passport to 
politesociety.Supportable property. 

MONKEY, n.An arboreal animal which makes itself at home 
ingenealogical trees. 

MONOSYLLABIC, adj.Composed of words of one syllable, for 
literarybabes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid 
compoundby appropriate googoogling.The words are commonly Saxon -
that isto say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and 
incapableof any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. 

The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on 
Judibras 
MONSIGNOR, n.A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder 
ofour religion overlooked the advantages. 
MONUMENT, n.A structure intended to commemorate something 
whicheither needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. 
The bones of Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royal 
monument, 
but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in 

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consequence.Themonument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in 
monuments "to theunknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to 
perpetuate the memory ofthose who have left no memory. 

MORAL, adj.Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. 
Having the quality of general expediency. 

It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, onone syde of 
the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the othersyde they are 
holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is 
muchconveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and 
actas it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. 

_Gooke's Meditations_ 

MORE, adj.The comparative degree of too much. 

MOUSE, n.An animal which strews its path with fainting women.As 
inRome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier 
inOtumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, femaleheretics 
were thrown to the mice.Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the onlyOtumwump 
whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrsmet their 
death with little dignity and much exertion.He evenattempts to exculpate 
the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) bydeclaring that the unfortunate 
women perished, some from exhaustion,some of broken necks from 
falling over their own feet, and some fromlack of restoratives.The mice, he 
avers, enjoyed the pleasures ofthe chase with composure.But if "Roman 
history is nine-tenthslying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of 
that rhetoricalfigure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible 
cruelty to alovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. 

MOUSQUETAIRE, n.A long glove covering a part of the arm.Worn 
inNew Jersey.But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spellmuskeeter. 

MOUTH, n.In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet 
ofthe heart. 

MUGWUMP, n.In politics one afflicted with self-respect and 
addictedto the vice of independence.A term of contempt. 

MULATTO, n.A child of two races, ashamed of both. 

MULTITUDE, n.A crowd; the source of political wisdom and 
virtue.Ina republic, the object of the statesman's adoration."In a 

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multitudeof consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb.If many men 
ofequal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must bethat 
they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of 
gettingtogether.Whence comes it?Obviously from nowhere -- as well 
saythat a range of mountains is higher than the single 
mountainscomposing it.A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it 
obeyhim; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. 

MUMMY, n.An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among 
moderncivilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art 
withan excellent pigment.He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying 
thevulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the loweranimals. 

By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods its 
respect for the dead. We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, Distil him 
for physic and grind him for paint, Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken 
frame, And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. O, tell me, ye gods, 
for the use of my rhyme: For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? 

Scopas Brune 
MUSTANG, n.An indocile horse of the western plains.In 
Englishsociety, the American wife of an English nobleman. 
MYRMIDON, n.A follower of Achilles --particularly when he 
didn'tlead. 

MYTHOLOGY, n.The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning 
itsorigin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguishedfrom 
the true accounts which it invents later. 

N 

NECTAR, n.A drink served at banquets of the Olympian 
deities.Thesecret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians 
believethat they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. 

Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Juno 
drank a cup of rye -- Then she bad herself good-bye. 

J.G. 
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NEGRO, n.The _piece de resistance_ in the American 
politicalproblem.Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin 
tobuild their equation thus:"Let n = the white man."This, however,appears 
to give an unsatisfactory solution. 

NEIGHBOR, n.One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, 
and whodoes all he knows how to make us disobedient. 

NEPOTISM, n.Appointing your grandmother to office for the good 
ofthe party. 

NEWTONIAN, adj.Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe 
inventedby Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, 
butwas unable to say why.His successors and disciples have advanced 
sofar as to be able to say when. 

NIHILIST, n.A Russian who denies the existence of anything 
butTolstoi.The leader of the school is Tolstoi. 

NIRVANA, n.In the Buddhist religion, a state of 
pleasurableannihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise 
enough tounderstand it. 

NOBLEMAN, n.Nature's provision for wealthy American minds 
ambitiousto incur social distinction and suffer high life. 

NOISE, n.A stench in the ear.Undomesticated music.The chiefproduct 
and authenticating sign of civilization. 

NOMINATE, v.To designate for the heaviest political 
assessment.Toput forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and 
deadcattingof the opposition. 

NOMINEE, n.A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction 

ofprivate life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of 
publicoffice. 
NON-COMBATANT, n.A dead Quaker. 
NONSENSE, n.The objections that are urged against this 
excellentdictionary. 

NOSE, n.The extreme outpost of the face.From the circumstance 
thatgreat conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate 
theage of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell.It has been observedthat 
one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs ofothers, from 

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which some physiologists have drawn the inference thatthe nose is devoid 
of the sense of smell. 

There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run 
from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow 
that interminous snout!" 

So the lawyers applied For injunction."Denied," Said the Judge:"the 
defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds 
of this court's jurisdiction." 

Arpad Singiny 

NOTORIETY, n.The fame of one's competitor for public 
honors.Thekind of renown most accessible and acceptable to 
mediocrity.AJacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels 
ascendingand descending. 

NOUMENON, n.That which exists, as distinguished from that 
whichmerely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon.The noumenon 
isa bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process 
ofreasoning -- which is a phenomenon.Nevertheless, the discovery 
andexposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls 
"theendless variety and excitement of philosophic 
thought."Hurrah(therefore) for the noumenon! 

NOVEL, n.A short story padded.A species of composition bearing 
thesame relation to literature that the panorama bears to art.As it istoo long 
to be read at a sitting the impressions made by itssuccessive parts are 
successively effaced, as in the panorama.Unity,totality of effect, is 
impossible; for besides the few pages last readall that is carried in mind is 
the mere plot of what has gone before. To the romance the novel is what 
photography is to painting.Itsdistinguishing principle, probability, 
corresponds to the literalactuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly 
into the categoryof reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer 
enables him tomount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted 
to attain;and the first three essentials of the literary art are 
imagination,imagination and imagination.The art of writing novels, such 
as itwas, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is 
new.Peaceto its ashes -- some of which have a large sale. 

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NOVEMBER, n.The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 

O 

OATH, n.In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon 
theconscience by a penalty for perjury. 

OBLIVION, n.The state or condition in which the wicked cease 
fromstruggling and the dreary are at rest.Fame's eternal dumping ground. 
Cold storage for high hopes.A place where ambitious authors meettheir 
works without pride and their betters without envy.A dormitorywithout an 
alarm clock. 

OBSERVATORY, n.A place where astronomers conjecture away the 
guessesof their predecessors. 

OBSESSED, p.p.Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine 
andother critics.Obsession was once more common than it is now. 
Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil forevery 
day in the week, and on Sundays by two.They were frequentlyseen, 
always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finallydriven 
away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took thepeasant with 
them, for he vanished utterly.A devil thrown out of awoman by the 
Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by ahundred persons, 
until the open country was reached, where by a leaphigher than a church 
spire he escaped into a bird.A chaplain inCromwell's army exorcised a 
soldier's obsessing devil by throwing thesoldier into the water, when the 
devil came to the surface.Thesoldier, unfortunately, did not. 

OBSOLETE, adj.No longer used by the timid.Said chiefly of words. A 
word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafteran 
object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is agood word and 
has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is goodenough for the 
good writer.Indeed, a writer's attitude toward"obsolete" words is as true a 
measure of his literary ability asanything except the character of his 
work.A dictionary of obsoleteand obsolescent words would not only be 
singularly rich in strong andsweet parts of speech; it would add large 

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possessions to thevocabulary of every competent writer who might not 
happen to be acompetent reader. 

OBSTINATE, adj.Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in 
thesplendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of 
obstinacy is the mule, a mostintelligent animal. 

OCCASIONAL, adj.Afflicting us with greater or less 
frequency.That,however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the 
phrase"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," 
suchas an anniversary, a celebration or other event.True, they afflictus a 
little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has noreference to 
irregular recurrence. 

OCCIDENT, n.The part of the world lying west (or east) of 
theOrient.It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe ofthe 
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,which they 
are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."These, also, arethe principal 
industries of the Orient. 

OCEAN, n.A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world 
madefor man -- who has no gills. 

OFFENSIVE, adj.Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, 
asthe advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics 
offensive?" the king asked."I shouldsay so!" replied the unsuccessful 
general."The blackguard wouldn'tcome out of his works!" 

OLD, adj.In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent 
withgeneral inefficiency, as an _old man_.Discredited by lapse of timeand 
offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. 

"Old books?The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must 
be my books and bread." Nature herself approves the Goby rule And gives 
us every moment a fresh fool. 

Harley Shum 

OLEAGINOUS, adj.Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the 
manner of Bishop Wilberforce as"unctuous, oleaginous, 
saponaceous."And the good prelate was everafterward known as Soapy 
Sam.For every man there is something in thevocabulary that would stick 
to him like a second skin.His enemieshave only to find it. 

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OLYMPIAN, adj.Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited 
bygods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles 
andmutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and 
hisappetite. 

His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, 
Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse. 

Averil Joop 

OMEN, n.A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. 

ONCE, adv.Enough. 

OPERA, n.A play representing life in another world, whoseinhabitants 
have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and nopostures but 
attitudes.All acting is simulation, and the word_simulation_ is from 
_simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes forhis model _Simia 
audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the apethat howls. 

The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; The opera performer apes 
and ape. 

OPIATE, n.An unlocked door in the prison of Identity.It leads intothe 
jail yard. 

OPPORTUNITY, n.A favorable occasion for grasping a 
disappointment. 

OPPOSE, v.To assist with obstructions and objections. 

How lonely he who thinks to vex With bandinage the Solemn Sex! Of 
levity, Mere Man, beware; None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. 

Percy P. Orminder 

OPPOSITION, n.In politics the party that prevents the Government 
fromrunning amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had 
been abroad to study the science ofgovernment, appointed one hundred of 
his fattest subjects as membersof a parliament to make laws for the 
collection of revenue.Forty ofthese he named the Party of Opposition and 
had his Prime Ministercarefully instruct them in their duty of opposing 
every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed 
unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the 
Opposition thatif they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy 
with theirheads.The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. 

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"What shall we do now?" the King asked."Liberal institutionscannot be 
maintained without a party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe," 
replied the Prime Minister, "it istrue these dogs of darkness have no longer 
their credentials, but allis not lost.Leave the matter to this worm of the 
dust." So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's 
Oppositionembalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of 
power andnailed there.Forty votes were recorded against every bill and 
thenation prospered.But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts 
wasdefeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed 
totheir seats!This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was putto 
death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery,and 
government of the people, by the people, for the people perishedfrom 
Ghargaroo. 

OPTIMISM, n.The doctrine, or belief, that everything is 
beautiful,including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, 
andeverything right that is wrong.It is held with greatest tenacity bythose 
most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, andis most 
acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.Being ablind faith, it 
is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- anintellectual disorder, yielding to 
no treatment but death.It ishereditary, but fortunately not contagious. 

OPTIMIST, n.A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A 
pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope 
and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to 
create something thatwould justify them." "The world is all created," said 
God, "but you have overlookedsomething -- the mortality of the optimist." 

ORATORY, n.A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat 
theunderstanding.A tyranny tempered by stenography. 

ORPHAN, n.A living person whom death has deprived of the power 
offilial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particulareloquence to 
all that is sympathetic in human nature.When young theorphan is 
commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation ofits 
rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place.Itis then 
instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude andeventually turned 
loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack orscullery maid. 

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ORTHODOX, n.An ox wearing the popular religious joke. 

ORTHOGRAPHY, n.The science of spelling by the eye instead of 
theear.Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of 
everyasylum for the insane.They have had to concede a few things 
sincethe time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those tobe 
conceded hereafter. 

A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. 
The judge said:"Enough --His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre 
shall not be whicted." 

OSTRICH, n.A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) naturehas 
denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists haveseen a 
conspicuous evidence of design.The absence of a good workingpair of 
wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out,the ostrich 
does not fly. 

OTHERWISE, adv.No better. 

OUTCOME, n.A particular type of disappointment.By the kind 
ofintelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdomof an 
act is judged by the outcome, the result.This is immortalnonsense; the 
wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that thedoer had when he 
performed it. 

OUTDO, v.t.To make an enemy. 

OUT-OF-DOORS, n.That part of one's environment upon which 
nogovernment has been able to collect taxes.Chiefly useful to inspirepoets. 

I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in 
glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly 
splendid story. 

'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the 
beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till 
Neddy was pretty well rested. 

The moon rising solemnly over the crest Of the hills to the east of my 
station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west Like a visible new 
creation. 

And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) Of an idle young 
woman who tarried About a church-door for a look at the bride, Although 

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'twas herself that was married. 

To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand Ideas -- with thought and 
emotion. I pity the dunces who don't understand The speech of earth, 
heaven and ocean. 

Stromboli Smith 

OVATION, n.n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor 
ofone who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation.Alesser 
"triumph."In modern English the word is improperly used tosignify any 
loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to thehero of the 
hour and place. 

"I had an ovation!" the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly 
queer, That people and critics by him had been led By the ear. 
The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion as plain as a peg; In 
"ovum" we find the true root of the word. It means egg. 
Dudley Spink 
OVEREAT, v.To dine. 

Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without 
distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, Shows Man's superiority to 
Beast. 

John Boop 
OVERWORK, n.A dangerous disorder affecting high public 
functionarieswho want to go fishing. 

OWE, v.To have (and to hold) a debt.The word formerly signifiednot 
indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds ofdebtors 
there is still a good deal of confusion between assets andliabilities. 

OYSTER, n.A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men 
thehardihood to eat without removing its entrails!The shells aresometimes 
given to the poor. 

P 

PAIN, n.An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a 
physicalbasis in something that is being done to the body, or may be 

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purelymental, caused by the good fortune of another. 

PAINTING, n.The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather 
andexposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were 
combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues.The only 
present alliance betweenthe two arts is that the modern painter chisels his 
patrons. 

PALACE, n.A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a 
greatofficial.The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Churchis 
called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as afield, or 
wayside.There is progress. 

PALM, n.A species of tree having several varieties, of which 
thefamiliar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely 
distributedand sedulously cultivated.This noble vegetable exudes a kind 
ofinvisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a pieceof 
gold or silver.The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of 
the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that aconsiderable percentage 
of it is sometimes given away in what are knownas "benefactions." 

PALMISTRY, n.The 947th method (according to 
Mimbleshaw'sclassification) of obtaining money by false pretences.It 
consists in"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the 
hand.Thepretence is not altogether false; character can really be read 
veryaccurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submittedplainly 
spell the word "dupe."The imposture consists in not readingit aloud. 

PANDEMONIUM, n.Literally, the Place of All the Demons.Most of 
themhave escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as 
alecture hall by the Audible Reformer.When disturbed by his voice 
theancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to hispride 
of distinction. 

PANTALOONS, n.A nether habiliment of the adult civilized 
male.Thegarment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points 
offlexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.Called"trousers" 
by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. 

PANTHEISM, n.The doctrine that everything is God, 
incontradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. 

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PANTOMIME, n.A play in which the story is told without violence 
tothe language.The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. 

PARDON, v.To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime.Toadd 
to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. 

PASSPORT, n.A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen 
goingabroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for 
specialreprobation and outrage. 

PAST, n.That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which 
wehave a slight and regrettable acquaintance.A moving line called 
thePresent parts it from an imaginary period known as the 
Future.Thesetwo grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is 
continuallyeffacing the other, are entirely unlike.The one is dark with 
sorrowand disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and 
joy.ThePast is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song.In theone 
crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling 
penitentialprayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free 
wing,beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.Yet the Past 
isthe Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow.Theyare one 
-- the knowledge and the dream. 

PASTIME, n.A device for promoting dejection.Gentle exercise 
forintellectual debility. 

PATIENCE, n.A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. 

PATRIOT, n.One to whom the interests of a part seem superior tothose 
of the whole.The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. 

PATRIOTISM, n.Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any 
oneambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary 
patriotism is defined as thelast resort of a scoundrel.With all due respect to 
an enlightenedbut inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 

PEACE, n.In international affairs, a period of cheating between 
twoperiods of fighting. 

O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the 
voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace. 

Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only they 
knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do. 

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They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles. 
Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls! 
Ro Amil 
PEDESTRIAN, n.The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for 
anautomobile. 
PEDIGREE, n.The known part of the route from an arboreal 

ancestorwith a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. 

PENITENT, adj.Undergoing or awaiting punishment. 

PERFECTION, n.An imaginary state of quality distinguished from 
theactual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The 
editor of an English magazine having received a letterpointing out the 
erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed"Perfection," promptly 
wrote at the foot of the letter:"I don'tagree with you," and mailed it to 
Matthew Arnold. 

PERIPATETIC, adj.Walking about.Relating to the philosophy 
ofAristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place inorder 
to avoid his pupil's objections.A needless precaution -- theyknew no more 
of the matter than he. 

PERORATION, n.The explosion of an oratorical rocket.It dazzles,but 
to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most 
conspicuouspeculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used 
inpreparing it. 

PERSEVERANCE, n.A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves 
aninglorious success. 

"Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and 
night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --
The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back there in 
Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the 
peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the 
needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless 
Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner of 
all that is good in a race. 

Sukker Uffro 

PESSIMISM, n.A philosophy forced upon the convictions of 

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theobserver by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with 
hisscarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. 

PHILANTHROPIST, n.A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who 
hastrained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. 

PHILISTINE, n.One whose mind is the creature of its 
environment,following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment.He 
issometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and 
alwayssolemn. 

PHILOSOPHY, n.A route of many roads leading from nowhere to 
nothing. 

PHOENIX, n.The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." 

PHONOGRAPH, n.An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. 

PHOTOGRAPH, n.A picture painted by the sun without instruction 
inart.It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quiteso good as 
that of a Cheyenne. 

PHRENOLOGY, n.The science of picking the pocket through the 
scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a 
dupewith. 

PHYSICIAN, n.One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our 
dogswhen well. 

PHYSIOGNOMY, n.The art of determining the character of another 
bythe resemblances and differences between his face and our own, whichis 
the standard of excellence. 

"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's 
construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And 
say:"How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his 
mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art." 

Lavatar Shunk 

PIANO, n.A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.Itis 
operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of 
theaudience. 

PICKANINNY, n.The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or 
_Americanusdominans_.It is small, black and charged with political 
fatalities. 

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PICTURE, n.A representation in two dimensions of something 
wearisome in three. 

"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view --Taken from Life."If 
that description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. 

Jali Hane 

PIE, n.An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. 

Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. 

Rev. Dr. Mucker 

(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) 

Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -
or undone -- So far from that dear London. 
(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) 
PIETY, n.Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His 
supposedresemblance to man. 
The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine 
has snout and bristles. 
Judibras 

PIG, n.An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the 
humanrace by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, 
isinferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. 

PIGMY, n.One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient 
travelersin many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa 
only.ThePigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier 
Caucasians-- who are Hogmies. 

PILGRIM, n.A traveler that is taken seriously.A Pilgrim Father wasone 
who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalmsthrough 
his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he couldpersonate God 
according to the dictates of his conscience. 

PILLORY, n.A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction-
prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of 
austerevirtues and blameless lives. 

PIRACY, n.Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. 

PITIFUL, adj.The state of an enemy of opponent after an 
imaginaryencounter with oneself. 

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PITY, n.A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. 

PLAGIARISM, n.A literary coincidence compounded of a 
discreditablepriority and an honorable subsequence. 

PLAGIARIZE, v.To take the thought or style of another writer 
whomone has never, never read. 

PLAGUE, n.In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent 
foradmonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh 
theImmune.The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it 
ismerely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her 
purposelessobjectionableness. 

PLAN, v.t.To bother about the best method of accomplishing 
anaccidental result. 

PLATITUDE, n.The fundamental element and special glory of 
popularliterature. A thought that snores in words that smoke.The wisdom 
ofa million fools in the diction of a dullard.A fossil sentiment inartificial 
rock.A moral without the fable.All that is mortal of adeparted truth.A 
demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality.The Pope's-noseof a featherless 
peacock.A jelly-fish withering on the shore of thesea of thought.The 
cackle surviving the egg.A desiccated epigram. 

PLATONIC, adj.Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.PlatonicLove 
is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and afrost. 

PLAUDITS, n.Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle 
anddevour it. 

PLEASE, v.To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. 

PLEASURE, n.The least hateful form of dejection. 

PLEBEIAN, n.An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country 
stainednothing but his hands.Distinguished from the Patrician, who was 
asaturated solution. 

PLEBISCITE, n.A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. 

PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj.Having full power.A Minister 
Plenipotentiaryis a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition 
that henever exert it. 

PLEONASM, n.An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. 

PLOW, n.An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to 

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thepen. 

PLUNDER, v.To take the property of another without observing 
thedecent and customary reticences of theft.To effect a change 
ofownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.To wrest 
thewealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. 

POCKET, n.The cradle of motive and the grave of 
conscience.Inwoman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and 
herconscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins 
ofothers. 

POETRY, n.A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond 
theMagazines. 

POKER, n.A game said to be played with cards for some purpose 
tothis lexicographer unknown. 

POLICE, n.An armed force for protection and participation. 

POLITENESS, n.The most acceptable hypocrisy. 

POLITICS, n.A strife of interests masquerading as a contest 
ofprinciples.The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 

POLITICIAN, n.An eel in the fundamental mud upon which 
thesuperstructure of organized society is reared.When we wriggles 
hemistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As 
compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of beingalive. 

POLYGAMY, n.A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted 
withseveral stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, 
whichhas but one. 

POPULIST, n.A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, foundin 
the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by anuncommon 
spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him thepower of flight, 
though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuingindependent lines of 
thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had hepossessed it he would 
have gone elsewhere.In the picturesque speechof his period, some 
fragments of which have come down to us, he wasknown as "The Matter 
with Kansas." 

PORTABLE, adj.Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes 
ofpossession. 

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His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian 
forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it. 

Worgum Slupsky 

PORTUGUESE, n.pl.A species of geese indigenous to 
Portugal.Theyare mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even 
when stuffedwith garlic. 

POSITIVE, adj.Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 

POSITIVISM, n.A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real 
andaffirms our ignorance of the Apparent.Its longest exponent is Comte,its 
broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. 

POSTERITY, n.An appellate court which reverses the judgment of 
apopular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his 
obscurecompetitor. 

POTABLE, n.Suitable for drinking.Water is said to be potable;indeed, 
some declare it our natural beverage, although even they findit palatable 
only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known asthirst, for which 
it is a medicine.Upon nothing has so great anddiligent ingenuity been 
brought to bear in all ages and in allcountries, except the most uncivilized, 
as upon the invention ofsubstitutes for water.To hold that this general 
aversion to thatliquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is 
to beunscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. 

POVERTY, n.A file provided for the teeth of the rats of 
reform.Thenumber of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers 
whosuffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing 
aboutit.Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtuesand by 
their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into aprosperity where they 
believe these to be unknown. 

PRAY, v.To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalfof a 
single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 

PRE-ADAMITE, n.One of an experimental and apparently 
unsatisfactoryrace of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not 
easilyconceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and 
tohave been something intermediate between fishes and birds.Little 
itsknown of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife 

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andtheologians with a controversy. 

PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, 
inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge 
may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he 
pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those 
that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his 
desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low 
estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. 

PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial. 

Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. 

Judibras 

PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, 
inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge 
may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he 
pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those 
that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his 
desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low 
estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. 

PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial. 

Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. 

Judibras 

PREDESTINATION, n.The doctrine that all things occur according 
toprogramme.This doctrine should not be confused with that 
offoreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but doesnot 
affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from otherdoctrines 
by which this is entailed.The difference is great enoughto have deluged 
Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of 
the two doctrines kept well in mind, and areverent belief in both, one may 
hope to escape perdition if spared. 

PREDICAMENT, n.The wage of consistency. 

PREDILECTION, n.The preparatory stage of disillusion. 

PRE-EXISTENCE, n.An unnoted factor in creation. 

PREFERENCE, n.A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by 
theerroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient 

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philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is nobetter than death, 
was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied, 
"death is no better than life." It is longer. 

PREHISTORIC, adj.Belonging to an early period and a museum. 
Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. 

He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and 
phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great 
events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or 
fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. 

Orpheus Bowen 

PREJUDICE, n.A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 

PRELATE, n.A church officer having a superior degree of holiness 
anda fat preferment.One of Heaven's aristocracy.A gentleman of God. 

PREROGATIVE, n.A sovereign's right to do wrong. 

PRESBYTERIAN, n.One who holds the conviction that the 
governmentauthorities of the Church should be called presbyters. 

PRESCRIPTION, n.A physician's guess at what will best prolong 
thesituation with least harm to the patient. 

PRESENT, n.That part of eternity dividing the domain 
ofdisappointment from the realm of hope. 

PRESENTABLE, adj.Hideously appareled after the manner of the 
timeand place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of 
ceremonyif he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's 
tail; inNew York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset 
hemust wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. 

PRESIDE, v.To guide the action of a deliberative body to a 
desirableresult.In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, 
"Hepresided at the piccolo." 

The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face: 
"The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was every 
provided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill and 
grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, And, spread the paper down 
On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: "Great playing by 
President Brown." 

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Orpheus Bowen 
PRESIDENCY, n.The greased pig in the field game of 
Americanpolitics. 

PRESIDENT, n.The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -
and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers oftheir 
countrymen did not want any of them for President. 

If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and 
undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no 
elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, 
for all we know, be President By acclimation.Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -
I'm passing with a wide and open ear! 

Jonathan Fomry 
PREVARICATOR, n.A liar in the caterpillar estate. 
PRICE, n.Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear 
ofconscience in demanding it. 

PRIMATE, n.The head of a church, especially a State church 
supportedby involuntary contributions.The Primate of England is 
theArchbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who 
occupiesLambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when 
dead.He iscommonly dead. 

PRISON, n.A place of punishments and rewards.The poet assures 
usthat -

"Stone walls do not a prison make," 

but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and themoral 
instructor is no garden of sweets. 

PRIVATE, n.A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in 
hisknapsack and an impediment in his hope. 

PROBOSCIS, n.The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves 
himin place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. 
For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew 
that an elephant was going on a journey, theillustrious Jo. Miller cast a 
reproachful look upon his tormentor, andanswered, absently:"When it is 
ajar," and threw himself from a highpromontory into the sea.Thus perished 
in his pride the most famoushumorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a 

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heritage of woe!Nosuccessor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. 
Edward bok, of_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the 
purity andsweetness of his personal character. 

PROJECTILE, n.The final arbiter in international 
disputes.Formerlythese disputes were settled by physical contact of the 
disputants,with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the 
times couldsupply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth.With the growth 
ofprudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more intofavor, 
and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.Itscapital defect is 
that it requires personal attendance at the point ofpropulsion. 

PROOF, n.Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than 
ofunlikelihood.The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed tothat 
of only one. 

PROOF-READER, n.A malefactor who atones for making your 
writingnonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. 

PROPERTY, n.Any material thing, having no particular value, that 
maybe held by A against the cupidity of B.Whatever gratifies thepassion 
for possession in one and disappoints it in all others.Theobject of man's 
brief rapacity and long indifference. 

PROPHECY, n.The art and practice of selling one's credibility 
forfuture delivery. 
PROSPECT, n.An outlook, usually forbidding.An expectation, 
usuallyforbidden. 
Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where 
every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. 
Bishop Sheber 
PROVIDENTIAL, adj.Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to 

theperson so describing it. 

PRUDE, n.A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. 

PUBLISH, n.In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element ina 
cone of critics. 

PUSH, n.One of the two things mainly conducive to success,especially 
in politics.The other is Pull. 

PYRRHONISM, n.An ancient philosophy, named for its 

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inventor.Itconsisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but 
Pyrrhonism.Itsmodern professors have added that. 

Q 

QUEEN, n.A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a 
king,and through whom it is ruled when there is not. 

QUILL, n.An implement of torture yielded by a goose and 
commonlywielded by an ass.This use of the quill is now obsolete, but 
itsmodern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same 
everlastingPresence. 

QUIVER, n.A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and 
theaboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. 

He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An 
argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to the 
liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. 

Oglum P. Boomp 

QUIXOTIC, adj.Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote.An insight 
intothe beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is 
unhappilydenied to him who has the misfortune to know that the 
gentleman's nameis pronounced Ke-ho-tay. 

When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly to 
know Spanish. 

Juan Smith 

QUORUM, n.A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body 
tohave their own way and their own way of having it.In the UnitedStates 
Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee onFinance 
and a messenger from the White House; in the House ofRepresentatives, 
of the Speaker and the devil. 

QUOTATION, n.The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. 
The words erroneously repeated. 

Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of 
Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would be Condemned 

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eternally.Ah, me, ah, me! 

Stumpo Gaker 

QUOTIENT, n.A number showing how many times a sum of money 
belongingto one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually 
aboutas many times as it can be got there. 

R 

RABBLE, n.In a republic, those who exercise a supreme 
authoritytempered by fraudulent elections.The rabble is like the 
sacredSimurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it 
donothing.(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent inour 
tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") 

RACK, n.An argumentative implement formerly much used in 
persuadingdevotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.As a call 
tothe unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is 
nowheld in light popular esteem. 

RANK, n.Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. 

He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. 
"Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royal 
back." 

Aramis Jukes 

RANSOM, n.The purchase of that which neither belongs to the 
seller,nor can belong to the buyer.The most unprofitable of investments. 

RAPACITY, n.Providence without industry.The thrift of power. 

RAREBIT, n.A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who 
pointout that it is not a rabbit.To whom it may be solemnly explainedthat 
the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, andthat _rizde-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf preparedafter the recipe 
of a she banker. 

RASCAL, n.A fool considered under another aspect. 

RASCALITY, n.Stupidity militant.The activity of a cloudedintellect. 

RASH, adj.Insensible to the value of our advice. 

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"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." 
"Nay, this child makes no bet.""Great snakes! How can you be so rash?" 
Bootle P. Gish 
RATIONAL, adj.Devoid of all delusions save those of 

observation,experience and reflection. 

RATTLESNAKE, n.Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. 

RAZOR, n.An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his 
beauty,by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-
American toaffirm his worth. 

REACH, n.The radius of action of the human hand.The area 
withinwhich it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly thepropensity 
to provide. 

This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The 
poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment of his reach. 

READING, n.The general body of what one reads.In our country 
itconsists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" andhumor 
in slang. 

We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws 
his laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- The 
Sphinx was less clever! 

Jupiter Muke 
RADICALISM, n.The conservatism of to-morrow injected into 
theaffairs of to-day. 
RADIUM, n.A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organthat 
a scientist is a fool with. 

RAILROAD, n.The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to 
getaway from where we are to wher we are no better off.For this 
purposethe railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it 
permitshim to make the transit with great expedition. 

RAMSHACKLE, adj.Pertaining to a certain order of 
architecture,otherwise known as the Normal American.Most of the public 
buildingsof the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of 
ourearlier architects preferred the Ironic.Recent additions to theWhite 

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House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order ofthe 
Dorians.They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars abrick. 

REALISM, n.The art of depicting nature as it is seem by 
toads.Thecharm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story 
written by ameasuring-worm. 

REALITY, n.The dream of a mad philosopher.That which would 
remainin the cupel if one should assay a phantom.The nucleus of a 
vacuum. 

REALLY, adv.Apparently. 
REAR, n.In American military matters, that exposed part of the 

armythat is nearest to Congress. 
REASON, v.i.To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. 
REASON, n.Propensitate of prejudice. 
REASONABLE, adj.Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. 

Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. 
REBEL, n.A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establishit. 
RECOLLECT, v.To recall with additions something not 

previouslyknown. 
RECONCILIATION, n.A suspension of hostilities.An armed truce 

forthe purpose of digging up the dead. 
RECONSIDER, v.To seek a justification for a decision already made. 
RECOUNT, n.In American politics, another throw of the dice, 

accordedto the player against whom they are loaded. 
RECREATION, n.A particular kind of dejection to relieve a 
generalfatigue. 
RECRUIT, n.A person distinguishable from a civilian by his 
uniformand from a soldier by his gait. 

Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in 
retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments 
-- his feet. 

Thompson Johnson 
RECTOR, n.In the Church of England, the Third Person of 
theparochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two. 
REDEMPTION, n.Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their 

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sin,through their murder of the deity against whom they 
sinned.Thedoctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our 
holyreligion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but 
haveeverlasting life in which to try to understand it. 

We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some special 
measure for redeeming it; Though hard indeed the task to get it in Among 
the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. 
I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: My method is to crucify the 
sinner. 

Golgo Brone 

REDRESS, n.Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-
Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by theking was permitted, on 
proving his injury, to beat a brazen image ofthe royal offender with a 
switch that was afterward applied to his ownnaked back.The latter rite was 
performed by the public hangman, andit assured moderation in the 
plaintiff's choice of a switch. 

RED-SKIN, n.A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -
atleast not on the outside. 

REDUNDANT, adj.Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. 

The Sultan said:"There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving 

dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, 
Replied:"His head, at least, appears excessive." 
Habeeb Suleiman 
Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. 
Theodore Roosevelt 
REFERENDUM, n.A law for submission of proposed legislation to 
apopular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. 

REFLECTION, n.An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer 
viewof our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid 
theperils that we shall not again encounter. 

REFORM, v.A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed 
toreformation. 

REFUGE, n.Anything assuring protection to one in peril.Moses 
andJoshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, 

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Kadesh,Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life 
inadvertentlycould flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased.This 
admirableexpedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled 
them toenjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man 
wasappropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games 
ofearly Greece. 

REFUSAL, n.Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's 
handin marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to 
arich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, bya 
priest, and so forth.Refusals are graded in a descending scale offinality 
thus:the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, therefusal tentative and the 
refusal feminine.The last is called bysome casuists the refusal assentive. 

REGALIA, n.Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of 
suchancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries 
ofDetectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the 
Leagueof Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel 
Societyof Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous 
Regalians;Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of 
Sons ofthe West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the 
LongBow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; 
theImpenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of 
FlamboyantConspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; 
ShiningInaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; 
Jannissaries ofthe Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the 
Magic Temple; theGrand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated 
Deities of theButter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate 
Fraternity ofMen Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of 
Horror;Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of 
Eden;Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of 
theDomestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the 
AncientSodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of 
Mendacity;Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for 
Prevention ofPrevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-
Consequential;the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; 

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Uniformed Rank ofLousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of 
the South Star;Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. 

RELIGION, n.A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance 
thenature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquired 
the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I 
am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" 
"Impossible!I should be ashamed of atheism." "In that case, monsieur, you 
should join the Protestants." 

RELIQUARY, n.A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of 
thetrue cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, thelung of 
the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are 
commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to preventthe contents from 
coming out and performing miracles at unseasonabletimes.A feather from 
the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation onceescaped during a sermon in 
Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses ofthe congregation that they woke 
and sneezed with great vehemence threetimes each.It is related in the 
"Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristanin the Canterbury cathedral surprised 
the head of Saint Dennis in thelibrary.Reprimanded by its stern custodian, 
it explained that it wasseeking a body of doctrine.This unseemly levity so 
raged thediocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown 
into theStour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from 
Rome. 

RENOWN, n.A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -
alittle more supportable than the one and a little more intolerablethan the 
other.Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly andinconsiderate hand. 

I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then 
Ithuriel touched me With a revealing spear. 

Not all my genius, great as 'tis, Could urge me out of night. I felt the 
faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light! 

W.J. Candleton 
REPARATION, n.Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and 
deductedfrom the satisfaction felt in committing it. 
REPARTEE, n.Prudent insult in retort.Practiced by gentlemen with 
aconstitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition tooffend.In a 

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war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. 

REPENTANCE, n.The faithful attendant and follower of 
Punishment.Itis usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is 
notinconsistent with continuity of sin. 

Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join the 
Church, Parnell? How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals And 
add you to the woes of other souls. 

Jomater Abemy 

REPLICA, n.A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that 
madethe original.It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," whichis 
made by another artist.When the two are mae with equal skill thereplica is 
the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautifulthan it looks. 

REPORTER, n.A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels 
itwith a tempest of words. 

"More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed' 
and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath 
his hand the leg-long "interview." 

Barson Maith 

REPOSE, v.i.To cease from troubling.REPRESENTATIVE, n.In 
national politics, a member of the Lower Housein this world, and without 
discernible hope of promotion in the next. 

REPROBATION, n.In theology, the state of a luckless 
mortalprenatally damned.The doctrine of reprobation was taught by 
Calvin,whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of 
hisconviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others 
arepredestined to salvation. 

REPUBLIC, n.A nation in which, the thing governing and the 
thinggoverned being the same, there is only a permitted authority 
toenforce an optional obedience.In a republic, the foundation ofpublic 
order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited fromancestors 
who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as 
many kinds of republics as there are graduations betweenthe despotism 
whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. 

REQUIEM, n.A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us 

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thewinds sing o'er the graves of their favorites.Sometimes, by way 

ofproviding a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. 

RESIDENT, adj.Unable to leave. 

RESIGN, v.t.To renounce an honor for an advantage.To renounce 
anadvantage for a greater advantage. 

'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title, 
rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station. 

By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The country 
humbly was resigned To Leonard's resignation --His Christian 
resignation. 

Politian Greame 
RESOLUTE, adj.Obstinate in a course that we approve. 
RESPECTABILITY, n.The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald 
headand a bank account. 

RESPIRATOR, n.An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of 
aninhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in itspassage 
to the lungs. 

RESPITE, n.A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,to 
enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not havebeen 
done by the prosecuting attorney.Any break in the continuity ofa 
disagreeable expectation. 

Altgeld upon his incandescend bed Lay, an attendant demon at his 
head. 

"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from the 
roast, however brief." 

"Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when 
held in thrall." 

"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm O'er fire unquenched, a 
never-dying worm. 

"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, Your doom I'll mollify and pains 
abate. 

"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, Not even the memory 
of who you are." 

Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as 

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Compassion entered Hell. 

"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd 
respite thee." 

"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed 
in getting back." 

A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide While they were turning him on 
t'other side. 

Joel Spate Woop 

RESPLENDENT, adj.Like a simple American citizen beduking 
himself inhis lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things 
as anelemental unit of a parade. 

The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold 
that their masters would hardly have known them. 

"Chronicles of the Classes" 

RESPOND, v.i.To make answer, or disclose otherwise a 
consciousnessof having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls 
"externalcoexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of 
Eve,responded to the touch of the angel's spear.To respond in damages isto 
contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,incidentally, to 
the gratification of the plaintiff. 

RESPONSIBILITY, n.A detachable burden easily shifted to 
theshoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.In the daysof 
astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. 

Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And 
many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play 
some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by 
his unlucky star And hollers:"Peanuts! -- here you are!" 

"The Sturdy Beggar" 

RESTITUTIONS, n.The founding or endowing of universities and 
publiclibraries by gift or bequest. 

RESTITUTOR, n.Benefactor; philanthropist. 

RETALIATION, n.The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple 
ofLaw. 

RETRIBUTION, n.A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike 

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uponthe just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter byevicting 
them. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by 
FatherGassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of 
theimproduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is 
talkingexercise: 

What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your 
days in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 'Tis not so 
long since you were in a riot, And your dear subjects showed a will to fly 
at Your throat and shake you like a rat.You know That empires are 
ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in? 

REVEILLE, n.A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefieldsno 
more, but get up and have their blue noses counted.In theAmerican army it 
is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to thatpronunciation our countrymen 
have pledged their lives, theirmisfortunes and their sacred dishonor. 

REVELATION, n.A famous book in which St. John the Divine 
concealedall that he knew.The revealing is done by the commentators, 
who knownothing. 

REVERENCE, n.The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to 
aman. 

REVIEW, v.t. 

To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's 
neither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it The 
qualities that you have first read into it. 

REVOLUTION, n.In politics, an abrupt change in the form 
ofmisgovernment.Specifically, in American history, the substitution ofthe 
rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby thewelfare and 
happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are 
usually accompanied by a considerable effusion ofblood, but are 
accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made bybeneficiaries whose 
blood had not the mischance to be shed.TheFrench revolution is of 
incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;when he pulls the string 
actuating its bones its gestures areinexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants 
suspected of fomenting lawand order. 

RHADOMANCER, n.One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting 

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forprecious metals in the pocket of a fool. 

RIBALDRY, n.Censorious language by another concerning oneself. 

RIBROASTER, n.Censorious language by oneself concerning another. 
The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have beenused in a 
fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidiouswriters of the 
fifteenth century --commonly, indeed, regarded as thefounder of the 
Fastidiotic School. 

RICE-WATER, n.A mystic beverage secretly used by our most 
popularnovelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize 
theconscience.It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,and is 
brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp. 

RICH, adj.Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the propertyof 
the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and 
theluckless.That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where 
theBrotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and 
candidadvocacy.To denizens of the midworld the word means good and 
wise. 

RICHES, n. 
A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, inwhom I am 
well pleased." 
John D. Rockefeller 
The reward of toil and virtue. 

J.P. Morgan 
The sayings of many in the hands of one. 
Eugene Debs 
To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feelsthat he 
can add nothing of value. 
RIDICULE, n.Words designed to show that the person of whom they 
areuttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him 
whoutters them.It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury 
is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- aridiculous assertion, 
for many a solemn fallacy has undergonecenturies of ridicule with no 
abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more 
valorously derided than the doctrineof Infant Respectability? 

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RIGHT, n.Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the rightto be 
a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to havemeasles, and the 
like.The first of these rights was once universallybelieved to be derived 
directly from the will of God; and this isstill sometimes affirmed _in 
partibus infidelium_ outside theenlightened realms of Democracy; as the 
well known lines of SirAbednego Bink, following: 

By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of their 
state and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God 
unwilling, could maintain an hour His uninvited session on the throne, or 
air His pride securely in the Presidential chair. 

Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it 
so.Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle 
or a rogue withstand! If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty 
of contributory negligence. 

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.A sturdy virtue that was once found among 
thePantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of 
Oque.Somefeeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to 
introduce itinto several European countries, but it appears to have 
beenimperfectly expounded.An example of this faulty exposition is 
foundin the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a 
characteristicpassage from which is here given: 

"Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state ofmind, nor 
yet in performance of religious rites and obedience tothe letter of the law.It 
is not enough that one be pious andjust:one must see to it that others also 
are in the same state;and to this end compulsion is a proper 
means.Forasmuch as myinjustice may work ill to another, so by his 
injustice may evil bewrought upon still another, the which it is as 
manifestly my dutyto estop as to forestall mine own tort.Wherefore if I 
would berighteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if 
needful,in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a 
betterdisposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain." 

RIME, n.Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly 
bad.Theverses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly 
dull.Usually(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." 

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RIMER, n.A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. 

The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the 
sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the 
passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land 
Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. 

Mowbray Myles 
RIOT, n.A popular entertainment given to the military by 
innocentbystanders. 

R.I.P.A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting 
toindolent goodwill to the dead.According to the learned Dr. 
Drigge,however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus 
inpulvis_. 
RITE, n.A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, 
preceptor custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed 
outof it. 

RITUALISM, n.A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in 
rectilinearfreedom, keeping off the grass. 

ROAD, n.A strip of land along which one may pass from where it 
istoo tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. 

All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the 
good Lord, at least one leads back home. 

Borey the Bald 

ROBBER, n.A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one 
night he and some travelingcompanion lodged at a wayside inn.The 
surroundings were suggestive,and after supper they agreed to tell robber 
stories in turn."Oncethere was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."Saying 
nothing more, hewas encouraged to continue."That," he said, "is the 
story." 

ROMANCE, n.Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things 
asThey Are.In the novel the writer's thought is tethered toprobability, as a 
domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romanceit ranges at will over 
the entire region of the imagination -- free,lawless, immune to bit and 
rein.Your novelist is a poor creature, asCarlyle might say -- a mere 
reporter.He may invent his charactersand plot, but he must not imagine 

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anything taking place that might notoccur, albeit his entire narrative is 
candidly a lie.Why he imposesthis hard condition on himself, and "drags 
at each remove alengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in 
ten thickvolumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the 
blackprofound of his own ignorance of the matter.There are great 
novels,for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but 
itremains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that wehave is 
"The Thousand and One Nights." 

ROPE, n.An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that 
theytoo are mortal.It is put about the neck and remains in place one'swhole 
life long.It has been largely superseded by a more complexelectrical 
device worn upon another part of the person; and this israpidly giving 
place to an apparatus known as the preachment. 

ROSTRUM, n.In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a 
ship.InAmerica, a place from which a candidate for office 
energeticallyexpounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. 

ROUNDHEAD, n.A member of the Parliamentarian party in the 
Englishcivil war --so called from his habit of wearing his hair 
short,whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long.There were 
otherpoints of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was 
thefundamental cause of quarrel.The Cavaliers were royalists becausethe 
king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hairgrow than 
to wash his neck.This the Roundheads, who were mostlybarbers and soapboilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royalneck was therefore the 
object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now 
wear their hair all alike, but thefires of animosity enkindled in that ancient 
strife smoulder to thisday beneath the snows of British civility. 

RUBBISH, n.Worthless matter, such as the religions, 
philosophies,literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the 
regionslying due south from Boreaplas. 

RUIN, v.To destroy.Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in thevirtue 
of maids. 

RUM, n.Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in 
totalabstainers. 

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RUMOR, n.A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. 

Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight 
unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other 
blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt, 
And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of some 
ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to 
celebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe. 

Joel Buxter 
RUSSIAN, n.A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian 
soul.ATartar Emetic. 

S 

SABBATH, n.A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that 
Godmade the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.Among 
theJews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which 
thisis the Christian version:"Remember the seventh day to make 
thyneighbor keep it wholly."To the Creator it seemed fit and expedientthat 
the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the EarlyFathers of the 
Church held other views.So great is the sanctity ofthe day that even where 
the Lord holds a doubtful and precariousjurisdiction over those who go 
down to (and down into) the sea it isreverently recognized, as is manifest 
in the following deep-waterversion of the Fourth Commandment: 

Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh 
holystone the deck and scrape the cable. 

Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies thecaptain 
with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divineordinance. 

SACERDOTALIST, n.One who holds the belief that a clergyman is 
apriest.Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challengethat is 
now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by theNeo-
Dictionarians. 

SACRAMENT, n.A solemn religious ceremony to which several 
degrees ofauthority and significance are attached.Rome has seven 

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sacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that 
they canafford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.Some of the 
smallersects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they 
willindubitable be damned. 

SACRED, adj.Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a 
divinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai 
Lamaof Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; 
theCow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient 
Egypt;the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. 

All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring 
gain; The latter to the devil appertain. 

Dumbo Omohundro 

SANDLOTTER, n.A vertebrate mammal holding the political views 
ofDenis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose 
audiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.True to 
thetraditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finallybought 
off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silentand dying 
impenitently rich.But before his treason he imposed uponCalifornia a 
constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction ofsolecisms.The 
similarity between the words "sandlotter" and"sansculotte" is 
problematically significant, but indubitablysuggestive. 

SAFETY-CLUTCH, n.A mechanical device acting automatically to 
preventthe fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to thehoisting 
apparatus. 

Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was 
bestrewin' All the place where he had fell. 

And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your 
position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck!" 

Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, I 
wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke." 

Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus 
my attention On his various arms and legs --

How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How 
one trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an _alibi_. 

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These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I 
wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate. 

None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the 
gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well. 

Now this tale is allegoric -- It is figurative all, For the well is 
metaphoric And the feller didn't fall. 

I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a 
laurel As was gotten by deceit. 

For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person 
splendid If his talent is the kind. 

Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot him 
up right gallant Till his head begun to swim. 

Then the rope it broke above him And he painful come to earth Where 
there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth. 

Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such. 
Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch. 

Porfer Poog 

SAINT, n.A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans 
relates that the irreverent oldcalumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his 
youth had known St. Francisde Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:"I 
am delighted to hearthat Monsieur de Sales is a saint.He was fond of 
saying indelicatethings, and used to cheat at cards.In other respects he was 
aperfect gentleman, though a fool." 

SALACITY, n.A certain literary quality frequently observed inpopular 
novels, especially in those written by women and young girls,who give it 
another name and think that in introducing it they areoccupying a 
neglected field of letters and reaping an overlookedharvest.If they have the 
misfortune to live long enough they aretormented with a desire to burn 
their sheaves. 

SALAMANDER, n.Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, 
ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.Salamanders are 
nowbelieved to be extinct, the last one of which we have an accounthaving 
been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised itwith a 
bucket of holy water. 

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SARCOPHAGUS, n.Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of 
acertain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property ofdevouring 
the body placed in it.The sarcophagus known to modernobsequiographers 
is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. 

SATAN, n.One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented 
insashcloth and axes.Being instated as an archangel, Satan madehimself 
multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled 
fromHeaven.Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought 
amoment and at last went back."There is one favor that I should liketo 
ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created.He will 
need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the 
dawnof eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to makehis 
laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make 
themhimself." It was so ordered. 

SATIETY, n.The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eatenits 
contents, madam. 

SATIRE, n.An obsolete kind of literary composition in which thevices 
and follies of the author's enemies were expounded withimperfect 
tenderness.In this country satire never had more than asickly and uncertain 
existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein weare dolefully deficient, the 
humor that we mistake for it, like allhumor, being tolerant and 
sympathetic.Moreover, although Americansare "endowed by their Creator" 
with abundant vice and folly, it is notgenerally known that these are 
reprehensible qualities, wherefore thesatirist is popularly regarded as a 
soul-spirited knave, and his evervictim's outcry for codefendants evokes a 
national assent. 

Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a 
mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --Thy 
spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. Had it been such as consecrates the 
Bible Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. 

Barney Stims 

SATYR, n.One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology 
accordedrecognition in the Hebrew.(Leviticus, xvii, 7.)The satyr was 
atfirst a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a 

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looseallegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations 
andimprovements.Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, alater 
and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man andmore 
like a goat. 

SAUCE, n.The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A 
people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with onesauce has 
only nine hundred and ninety-nine.For every sauce inventedand accepted a 
vice is renounced and forgiven. 

SAW, n.A trite popular saying, or proverb.(Figurative 
andcolloquial.)So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. 
Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. 

A penny saved is a penny to squander. 

A man is known by the company that he organizes. A bad workman 
quarrels with the man who calls him that. 

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 

Better late than before anybody has invited you. 

Example is better than following it. 

Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. 

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. 

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 

Least said is soonest disavowed. 

He laughs best who laughs least. 

Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. 

Of two evils choose to be the least. 

Strike while your employer has a big contract. 

Where there's a will there's a won't. 

SCARABAEUS, n.The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied 
toour familiar "tumble-bug."It was supposed to symbolize immortality,the 
fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.Its habitof incubating 
its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended itto the favor of the 
priesthood, and may some day assure it an equalreverence among 
ourselves.True, the American beetle is an inferiorbeetle, but the American 
priest is an inferior priest. 

SCARABEE, n.The same as scarabaeus. 

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He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a 
foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the 
Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an 
afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and 
said naught.O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the 
moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate! 
They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And 
two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then 
move on. Dead for a Scarabee!Fernando Tapple 

SCARIFICATION, n.A form of penance practised by the mediaeval 
pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a 
hotiron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the 
penitentspared himself no pain nor harmless 
disfigurement.Scarification,with other crude penances, has now been 
superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a 
university is said toyield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain 
than isconferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means 
ofgrace.There are, however, two grave objections to it as apenitential 
method:the good that it does and the taint of justice. 

SCEPTER, n.A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of 
hisauthority.It was originally a mace with which the sovereignadmonished 
his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking thebones of their 
proponents. 

SCIMETAR, n.A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct 
ofwhich certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as theincident 
here related will serve to show.The account is translatedfrom the Japanese 
by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenthcentury. 

When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned 
todecapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.Soon afterthe hour 
appointed for performance of the rite what was hisMajesty's surprise to see 
calmly approaching the throne the manwho should have been at that time 
ten minutes dead! "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the 
enragedmonarch."Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place 
andhave your head struck off by the public executioner at 

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threeo'clock?And is it not now 3:10?" "Son of a thousand illustrious 
deities," answered thecondemned minister, "all that you say is so true that 
the truth isa lie in comparison.But your heavenly Majesty's sunny 
andvitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.With joy Iran and 
placed my unworthy body in the market-place.Theexecutioner appeared 
with his bare scimetar, ostentatiouslywhirled it in air, and then, tapping me 
lightly upon the neck,strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I 
was ever afavorite.I am come to pray for justice upon his own 
dishonorableand treasonous head." "To what regiment of executioners 
does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallant 
Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- Iknow the man.His name is 
Sakko-Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to 
anattendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in thePresence. "Thou 
bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"roared the 
sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neckthat it should have 
been thy pleasure to sever?" "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied 
the executioner,unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his 
fingers." Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and 
trumpetedlike an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head 
flungviolently from him.Nothing occurred:the performance 
prosperedpeacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now 
turned on the executioner, who had grown aswhite as the snows on the 
summit of Fujiama.His legs trembledand his breath came in gasps of terror. 
"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am aruined and 
disgraced swordsman!I struck the villain feeblybecause in flourishing the 
scimetar I had accidentally passed itthrough my own neck!Father of the 
Moon, I resign my office." So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his 
head, andadvancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. 

SCRAP-BOOK, n.A book that is commonly edited by a 
fool.Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-books 
containingwhatever they happen to read about themselves or employ 
others tocollect.One of these egotists was addressed in the lines 
following,by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: 

Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true 

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Of every kind of peppered roast That's made of you; 

Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name, 
Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame; 

Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace --Your 
funny figure and your strange Semitic face --

Pray lend it me.Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily 
drubbings you'd have got Had God a fist. 

SCRIBBLER, n.A professional writer whose views are antagonistic 
toone's own. 

SCRIPTURES, n.The sacred books of our holy religion, 
asdistinguished from the false and profane writings on which all 
otherfaiths are based. 

SEAL, n.A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to 
attesttheir authenticity and authority.Sometimes it is stamped upon 
wax,and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself.Sealing,in 
this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribingimportant papers 
with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magicalefficacy independent 
of the authority that they represent.In theBritish museum are preserved 
many ancient papers, mostly of asacerdotal character, validated by 
necromantic pentagrams and otherdevices, frequently initial letters of 
words to conjure with; and inmany instances these are attached in the 
same way that seals areappended now.As nearly every reasonless and 
apparently meaninglesscustom, rite or observance of modern times had 
origin in some remoteutility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient 
nonsenseevolving in the process of ages into something really 
useful.Ourword "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but 
thelearned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absenceof 
the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters wereformerly 
closed from public scrutiny.Either view of the matter willserve one in 
immediate need of an hypothesis.The initials L.S.,commonly appended to 
signatures of legal documents, mean _locumsigillis_, the place of the seal, 
although the seal is no longer used-- an admirable example of 
conservatism distinguishing Man from thebeasts that perish.The words 
_locum sigillis_ are humbly suggestedas a suitable motto for the Pribyloff 

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Islands whenever they shall taketheir place as a sovereign State of the 
American Union. 

SEINE, n.A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change 
ofenvironment.For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women aremore 
easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted withsmall, cut 
stones. 

The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) 
Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. 

All souls of women were in that sack -- A draft miraculous, precious! 
But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the 
meshes. 

Baruch de Loppis 

SELF-ESTEEM, n.An erroneous appraisement. 

SELF-EVIDENT, adj.Evident to one's self and to nobody else. 

SELFISH, adj.Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. 

SENATE, n.A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties 
andmisdemeanors. 

SERIAL, n.A literary work, usually a story that is not true,creeping 
through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended 
to each installment is a "synposis of precedingchapters" for those who 
have not read them, but a direr need is asynposis of succeeding chapters 
for those who do not intend to read_them_.A synposis of the entire work 
would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale 
for a weeklypaper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not 
come down tous.They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman 
supplying theinstallment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, 
worldwithout end, they hoped.Unfortunately they quarreled, and one 
Mondaymorning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his 
task, hefound his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain 
him.Hiscollaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a 
shipand sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. 

SEVERALTY, n.Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands 
heldindividually, not in joint ownership.Certain tribes of Indians 
arebelieved now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty thelands 

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that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and couldnot sell to the 
Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. 

Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and 
the grave behind; Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- His small 
belongings their appointed prey; Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, 
Persuaded elsewhere every little while! His fire unquenched and his 
undying worm By "land in severalty" (charming term!) Are cooled and 
killed, respectively, at last, And he to his new holding anchored fast! 

SHERIFF, n.In America the chief executive office of a country, 
whosemost characteristic duties, in some of the Western and 
SouthernStates, are the catching and hanging of rogues. 

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as 
bad as he could be. 

'Twas frequently remarked:"I swon! The sun has never looked upon So 
bad a man as Neighbor John." 

A sinner through and through, he had This added fault:it made him 
mad To know another man was bad. 

In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night And 
quench that wicked person's light. 

Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree 
And leave him swinging wide and free. 

Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame 
Was given to the cheerful flame. 

While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the 
frown Of that austere and righteous town. 

"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should 
be -- An anar c, h, i, s, t." 

(That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So 
strong the aversion that it stirred.) 

"Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this 
thing Of having his unlawful fling. 

"Now, by these sacred relics" -- here Each man had out a souvenir Got 
at a lynching yesteryear -

"By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to 

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ache By sins of rope and torch and stake. 

"We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The 
mandates of his lawless will." 

So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff.The affair 
Was opened, it is said, with prayer. 

J. Milton Sloluck 
SIREN, n.One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain 
attemptto dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.Figuratively, 

anylady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and 
disappointingperformance. 
SLANG, n.The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus 

intolerabilis_)with an audible memory.The speech of one who utters with 
his tonguewhat he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator 
inaccomplishing the feat of a parrot.A means (under Providence) ofsetting 
up as a wit without a capital of sense. 

SMITHAREEN, n.A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.The 
word isused variously, but in the following verse on a noted female 
reformerwho opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the 
devil"it is seen at its best: 

The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel; 
In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin adown the way From 
duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! Their bells go 
all the morning; Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians awarning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, Good-Lording and Omying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, Her fat with anger frying. She 
blocks the path that leads to wrath, Jack Satan's power defying. The 
wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green. 
What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a 
smithareen! 

John William Yope 

SOPHISTRY, n.The controversial method of an opponent, 
distinguishedfrom one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.This 
method isthat of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who 
beganby teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever 

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menought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog 
ofwords. 

His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to 
light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To 
falsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man's 
breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. 

Polydore Smith 

SORCERY, n.The ancient prototype and forerunner of 
politicalinfluence.It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes 
waspunished by torture and death.Augustine Nicholas relates that a 
poorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture 
tocompel a confession.After enduring a few gentle agonies thesuffering 
simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked histormentors if it were not 
possible to be a sorcerer without knowingit. 

SOUL, n.A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been 
bravedisputation.Plato held that those souls which in a previous state 
ofexistence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses 
ofeternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who 
becamephilosophers.Plato himself was a philosopher.The souls that 
hadleast contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers 
anddespots.Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot.Plato, doubtless, wasnot 
the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quotedagainst 
his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the 
soul," saith the renowned author of_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath 
been hardly more argument thanthat of its place in the body.Mine own 
belief is that the soul hathher seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may 
discern and interpreta truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton 
is of all menmost devout.He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his 
belly'-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with 
himto freshen his faith?Who so well as he can know the might andmajesty 
that he shrines?Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomachare one Divine 
Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, whonevertheless erred in 
denying it immortality.He had observed thatits visible and material 

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substance failed and decayed with the rest ofthe body after death, but of its 
immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, 
and it survives the wreck and reekof mortality, to be rewarded or punished 
in another world, accordingto what it hath demanded in the flesh.The 
Appetite whose coarseclamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the 
general market and thepublic refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, 
whilst that whichfirmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, 
terrapin,anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian 
comestiblesshall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and 
ever,and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest 
andrichest wines ever quaffed here below.Such is my religious 
faith,though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor 
HisGrace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and 
profoundlyrevere) will assent to its dissemination." 

SPOOKER, n.A writer whose imagination concerns itself 
withsupernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.One ofthe 
most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells,who 
introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable andmannerly a 
company of spooks as one could wish to meet.To the terrorthat invests the 
chairman of a district school board, the Howellsghost adds something of 
the mystery enveloping a farmer from anothertownship. 

STORY, n.A narrative, commonly untrue.The truth of the storieshere 
following has, however, not been successfully impeached. 

One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seatedat 
dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. 
Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_,is published 
anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of itsauthorship.Yet in 
reviewing it you speak of it as the work of theIdiot of the Century.Do you 
think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, 
"but it didnot occur to me that you really might not wish the public to 
know whowrote it." 

Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, 
wasaddicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if 
astream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his backand 

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hiding in his hair.San Jose was at that time believed to behaunted by the 
visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who hadbeen hanged 
there.The town was not very well lighted, and it isputting it mildly to say 
that San Jose was reluctant to be out o'nights.One particularly dark night 
two gentlemen were abroad in theloneliest spot within the city limits, 
talking loudly to keep up theircourage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. 
Owen, a well-known journalist. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you 
here on such a night asthis?You told me that this is one of Vasquez' 
favorite haunts!Andyou are a believer.Aren't you afraid to be out?" "My 
dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnalcadence in his 
speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I amafraid to be in.I have one 
of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket andI don't dare to go where there is 
light enough to read it." Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles 

F. Joy werestanding near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing 
thequestion, Is success a failure?Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in themiddle 
of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:"Hello!I've heard thatband 
before.Santlemann's, I think." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Come 
to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see GeneralMiles coming down the 
avenue, and that pageant always affects me inthe same way as a brass 
band.One has to scrutinize one's impressionspretty closely, or one will 
mistake their origin." While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of 
philosophyGeneral Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive 
dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the 
twoobservers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by 
itseffulgence -- "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. 
"There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoysone-half so 
well." 
The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a milefrom 
the village of Jebigue, in Missouri.One day he rode into townon a favorite 
mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of astreet, in front of a 
saloon, he went inside in his character ofteetotaler, to apprise the 
barkeeper that wine is a mocker.It was adreadfully hot day.Pretty soon a 
neighbor came in and seeing Clark,said: "Champ, it is not right to leave 
that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I 

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passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an 
inveteratesmoker." The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and 
repeated thatit was not right. He was a conspirator.There had been a fire 
the night before:astable just around the corner had burned and a number of 
horses hadput on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was 
roastedto a rich nut-brown.Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's 
muleloose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.Presently anotherman 
entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do 
remove thatmule, barkeeper:it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that 
animal has the best nose inMissouri.But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." 
In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,apparently, 
lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.The boys idd not 
have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at thebody and, with the noncommittal expression to which he owes so muchof his political preferment, 
went away.But walking home late thatnight he saw his mule standing 
silent and solemn by the wayside in themisty moonlight.Mentioning the 
name of Helen Blazes with uncommonemphasis, Mr. Clark took the back 
track as hard as ever he could hookit, and passed the night in town. 

General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has 
apet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence 
butimperfectly beautiful.Returning to his apartment one evening, 
theGeneral was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature 
isnamed, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearinghis 
master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote 
ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,"what do you mean by being out 
of bed after naps? -- and with my coaton!" Adam rose and with a 
reproachful look got down on all fours in themanner of his kind and, 
scuffling across the room to a table, returnedwith a visiting-card:General 
Barry had called and, judging by anempty champagne bottle and several 
cigar-stumps, had been hospitablyentertained while waiting.The general 
apologized to his faithfulprogenitor and retired.The next day he met 
General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening 
I forgot to ask youabout those excellent cigars.Where did you get them?" 
General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me, 

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please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was jokingof course.Why, I knew 
it was not you before I had been in the roomfifteen minutes." 

SUCCESS, n.The one unpardonable sin against one's 
fellows.Inliterature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success 
areexceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following 
linesby the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some 
mysteriousreason, "John A. Joyce." 

The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in 
prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head of 
hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If you 
wear your hair long you needn't your hat. 

SUFFRAGE, n.Expression of opinion by means of a ballot.The rightof 
suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,as 
commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of anotherman's 
choice, and is highly prized.Refusal to do so has the bad nameof 
"incivism."The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his 
crime, for there is no legitimate accuser.If the accuser ishimself guilty he 
has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, heprofits by the crime, for 
A's abstention from voting gives greaterweight to the vote of B.By female 
suffrage is meant the right of awoman to vote as some man tells her to.It is 
based on femaleresponsibility, which is somewhat limited.The woman 
most eager tojump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump 
backinto it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. 

SYCOPHANT, n.One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that 
hemay not be commanded to turn and be kicked.He is sometimes aneditor. 

As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part 
diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of 
surfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's 
weak spot and his mouth applies, Gorges and prospers like the leech, 
although, Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. Gelasma, if it paid you to 
devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that 
its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; If to the task of honoring 
its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well, The world would 
benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- Your favor 

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for a moment's space denied And to the nobler object turned aside. Is't not 
enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, 
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly To safer villainies of darker 
dye, Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, To steal (they call it 
"cornering") our bread May see you groveling their boots to lick And 
begging for the favor of a kick? Still must you follow to the bitter end 
Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And in your eagerness to please the 
rich Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? In Morgan's praise you smite 
the sounding wire, And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! What's Satan 
done that him you should eschew? He too is reeking rich -- deducting 
_you_. 

SYLLOGISM, n.A logical formula consisting of a major and a 
minorassumption and an inconsequent.(See LOGIC.) 

SYLPH, n.An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air 
whenthe air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with 
factorysmoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.Sylphs 
wereallied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, 
respectively,in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious.Sylphs, like 
fowls ofthe air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if 
theyhad progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of 
thechicks having ever been seen. 

SYMBOL, n.Something that is supposed to typify or stand 
forsomething else.Many symbols are mere "survivals" --things 
whichhaving no longer any utility continue to exist because we 
haveinherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved 
onmemorial monuments.They were once real urns holding the ashes of 
thedead.We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name 
thatconceals our helplessness. 

SYMBOLIC, adj.Pertaining to symbols and the use and 
interpretationof symbols. 

They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the 
stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned 
he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that 
bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a 

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shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples 
out of season, Was "cursed."But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam 
had the colic. 

T 

T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the 
Greeksabsurdly called _tau_.In the alphabet whence ours comes it had 
theform of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood 
alone(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) 
signified_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." 

TABLE D'HOTE, n.A caterer's thrifty concession to the 
universalpassion for irresponsibility. 

Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there 
deliriously fed As fast as he was able. 

"I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," 
said the neglected bride, "You're in your _table d'hotage_." 

Associated Poets 

TAIL, n.The part of an animal's spine that has transcended itsnatural 
limitations to set up an independent existence in a world ofits 
own.Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, aprivation of which 
he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousnessby the coat-skirt of the 
male and the train of the female, and by amarked tendency to ornament 
that part of his attire where the tailshould be, and indubitably once 
was.This tendency is most observablein the female of the species, in 
whom the ancestral sense is strongand persistent.The tailed men described 
by Lord Monboddo are nowgenerally regarded as a product of an 
imagination unusuallysusceptible to influences generated in the golden age 
of our pithecanpast. 

TAKE, v.t.To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. 

TALK, v.t.To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from 
animpulse without purpose. 

TARIFF, n.A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect 

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thedomestic producer against the greed of his consumer. 

The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell 
had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State. 

"It were no more than right," said he, "That I should get my fuel free. 
The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize -- Whereby my 
broilers, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have? -
although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. 
This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All 
rascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the public press Outdoes me 
in sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own 
lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair 
and rightful prey And keep their own in shape to pay; The preachers by 
example teach What, scorning to perform, I teach; And statesmen, aping 
me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such 
competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint, 
By Hokey-Pokey!I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, 
began at once to bawl Against _his_ competition; so There was a devil of a 
go! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, Till 
Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had hopes of coming by their own. That evil 
to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wicked 
to relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The bold 
Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual 
Hell. 

Edam Smith 

TECHNICALITY, n.In an English court a man named Home was 
tried forslander in having accused his neighbor of murder.His exact 
wordswere:"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his 
cookupon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder 
andthe other side upon the other shoulder."The defendant was acquittedby 
instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid not 
charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that being 
only an inference. 

TEDIUM, n.Ennui, the state or condition of one that is 
bored.Manyfanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so 

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high anauthority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very 
obvioussource -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te 
DeumLaudamus_.In this apparently natural derivation there is 
somethingthat saddens. 

TEETOTALER, n.One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes 
totally,sometimes tolerably totally. 

TELEPHONE, n.An invention of the devil which abrogates some of 
theadvantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 

TELESCOPE, n.A device having a relation to the eye similar to thatof 
the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague uswith a 
multitude of needless details.Luckily it is unprovided with abell 
summoning us to the sacrifice. 

TENACITY, n.A certain quality of the human hand in its relation tothe 
coin of the realm.It attains its highest development in the handof authority 
and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics.The 
following illustrative lines were written of aCalifornian gentleman in high 
political preferment, who has passed tohis accounting: 

Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Wellbuttered eels you may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain -
from his detaining pinch They cannot struggle half an inch! 'Tis lucky that 
he so is planned That breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so 
great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well, 
you say.Not so He'd draw but never let it go! 

THEOSOPHY, n.An ancient faith having all the certitude of 
religionand all the mystery of science.The modern Theosophist holds, 
withthe Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on 
thisearth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enoughfor 
our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetimedoes not 
suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose towish to 
become.To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection;and the 
Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed thateverything 
desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent 
observers are disposed to except cats, which seemneither wiser nor better 
than they were last year.The greatest andfattest of recent Theosophists was 

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the late Madame Blavatsky, who hadno cat. 

TIGHTS, n.An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce 
thegeneral acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. 
Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to 
MissLillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures 
asto her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order 
ofingenuity and sustained reflection.It was Miss Hall's belief thatnature 
had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs.This theorywas 
impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but theconception of 
a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality asto rank among the 
most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the 
controversy regarding Miss Russell'saversion to tights no one seems to 
have thought to ascribe it to whatwas known among the ancients as 
"modesty."The nature of thatsentiment is now imperfectly understood, and 
possibly incapable ofexposition with the vocabulary that remains to us.The 
study of lostarts has, however, been recently revived and some of the 
artsthemselves recovered.This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and thereis 
ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from itshidingplace amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to thestage. 

TOMB, n.The House of Indifference.Tombs are now by common 
consentinvested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been 
longtenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them,the 
famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may 
beinnocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," thesoul 
being then all exhaled.This reasonable view is now generallyaccepted by 
archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity hasbeen greatly 
dignified. 

TOPE, v.To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the 
individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but topingnations are in the 
forefront of civilization and power.When pittedagainst the hard-drinking 
Christians the absemious Mahometans go downlike grass before the 
scythe.In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda 
guzzling Britons hold in subjection twohundred and fifty million 
vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryanrace.With what an easy grace the 

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whisky-loving American pushed thetemperate Spaniard out of his 
possessions!From the time when theBerserkers ravaged all the coasts of 
western Europe and lay drunk inevery conquered port it has been the same 
way:everywhere the nationsthat drink too much are observed to fight 
rather well and not toorighteously.Wherefore the estimable old ladies who 
abolished thecanteen from the American army may justly boast of having 
materiallyaugmented the nation's military power. 

TORTOISE, n.A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion 
forthe following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: 

TO MY PET TORTOISE 

My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between a 
stagger and a sprawl. 

Nor are you beautiful:your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not 
doubt it aches. 

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them in 
whene'er you sleep. 

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness -- mostly 
you're [sic] backbone. 

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the 
great know how to use -

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack -- excuse my 
mentioning it -- Soul. 

So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were 
you. 

Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better world 
may see 

Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of 
Soul. 

So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. 

Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign! 

In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every 
throne. 

I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; 

A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he 

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carries that; 

A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent --

Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise 
in the back; 

Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a 
wild stampede; 

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" the 
word, in Church and State. 

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime! 

I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing 
Adam out. 

TREE, n.A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a 
penalapparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees 
bearonly a negligible fruit, or none at all.When naturally fruited, thetree is 
a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factorin public 
morals.In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit(white and black 
respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to thepublic taste and, though 
not exported, profitable to the generalwelfare.That the legitimate relation 
of the tree to justice was nodiscovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, 
conceded it no primacy over thelamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made 
plain by the followingpassage from Morryster, who antedated him by two 
centuries: 

While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereofI had 
hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll init, ye hed 
manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer asfolloweth: "Ye tree is 
not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shallsee dependynge fr. his 
braunches all soch as have affroynted yeKing his Majesty." And I was 
furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yrtong ye same as 
"rapscal" in our owne. 

_Trauvells in ye Easte_ 

TRIAL, n.A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record 
theblameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.In order toeffect 
this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the personof one who is 
called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.Ifthe contrast is made 

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sufficiently clear this person is made to undergosuch an affliction as will 
give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortablesense of their immunity, added 
to that of their worth.In our day theaccused is usually a human being, or a 
socialist, but in mediaevaltimes, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were 
brought to trial.Abeast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was 
dulyarrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the 
publicexecutioner.Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyardswere 
cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and aftertestimony, 
argument and condemnation, if they continued _incontumaciam_ the 
matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court,where they were solemnly 
excommunicated and anathematized.In astreet of Toledo, some pigs that 
had wickedly run between theviceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested 
on a warrant, tried andpunished.In Naples and ass was condemned to be 
burned at the stake,but the sentence appears not to have been 
executed.D'Addosio relatesfrom the court records many trials of pigs, 
bulls, horses, cocks,dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the 
betterment of theirconduct and morals.In 1451 a suit was brought against 
the leechesinfesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of 
Lausanne,instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that 
someof "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local 
magistracy.Thiswas done and the leeches, both present and absent, were 
ordered toleave the places that they had infested within three days on pain 
ofincurring "the malediction of God."In the voluminous records of 
this_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders 
bravedthe punishment, or departed forthwith out of that 
inhospitablejurisdiction. 

TRICHINOSIS, n.The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses 
Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christianphysician, who at once 
diagnosed the philosopher's disorder astrichinosis, but tactfully gave it 
another name."You need andimmediate change of diet," he said; "you 
must eat six ounces of porkevery other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient 

- "pork?Nothing shall induce me totouch it!" "Do you mean that?" the 
doctor gravely asked. "I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure 
you." 
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TRINITY, n.In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,three 
entirely distinct deities consistent with only one.Subordinatedeities of the 
polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with the 
power of combination, and must urge individuallytheir clames to adoration 
and propitiation.The Trinity is one of themost sublime mysteries of our 
holy religion.In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitarians 
betray their inadequate sense oftheological fundamentals.In religion we 
believe only what we do notunderstand, except in the instance of an 
intelligible doctrine thatcontradicts an incomprehensible one.In that case 
we believe theformer as a part of the latter. 

TROGLODYTE, n.Specifically, a cave-dweller of the 
paleolithicperiod, after the Tree and before the Flat.A famous community 
oftroglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.The 
colonyconsisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that 
wasin debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all 
theSocialists of Judah. 

TRUCE, n.Friendship. 

TRUTH, n.An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. 
Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is themost 
ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect ofexisting 
with increasing activity to the end of time. 

TRUTHFUL, adj.Dumb and illiterate. 

TRUST, n.In American politics, a large corporation composed 
ingreater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans 
inthe care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactorsand 
public enemies. 

TURKEY, n.A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain 
religiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety 
andgratitude.Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. 

TWICE, adv.Once too often. 

TYPE, n.Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroyingcivilization and 
enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in thisincomparable 
dictionary. 

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.An African insect (_Glossina 

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morsitans_)whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious 
remedyfor insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the 
Americannovelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). 

U 

UBIQUITY, n.The gift or power of being in all places at one time,but 
not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, anattribute of God 
and the luminiferous ether only.This importantdistinction between 
ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to themediaeval Church and 
there was much bloodshed about it.CertainLutherans, who affirmed the 
presence everywhere of Christ's body wereknown as Ubiquitarians.For 
this error they were doubtless damned,for Christ's body is present only in 
the eucharist, though thatsacrament may be performed in more than one 
place simultaneously.Inrecent times ubiquity has not always been 
understood -- not even bySir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a 
man cannot be in twoplaces at once unless he is a bird. 

UGLINESS, n.A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing 
virtuewithout humility. 

ULTIMATUM, n.In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting 
toconcessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish 
Ministrymet to consider it. "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of 
the Imperial Chiboukto the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many 
unconquerablesoldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," that 
dignitary replied after examininghis memoranda, "they are in numbers as 
the leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships strike 
terror to the heartsof all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever 
VictoriousNavy. "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know 
that theyare as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the 
starsof Heaven!" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the 
ImperialChibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:he 
wascalculating the chances of war.Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "thedie 
is cast!I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that headvise 

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inaction.In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." 

UN-AMERICAN, adj.Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. 

UNCTION, n.An oiling, or greasing.The rite of extreme 
unctionconsists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts 
ofthe body of one engaged in dying.Marbury relates that after the ritehad 
been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it wasdiscovered 
that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no othercould be 
obtained.When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be 
damned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." 

UNDERSTANDING, n.A cerebral secretion that enables one having it 
toknow a house from a horse by the roof on the house.Its nature andlaws 
have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, andKant, 
who lived in a horse. 

His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard, 
seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail. He wrote at 
Inspiration's call Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in an 
asylum, Performed the service to compile 'em. So great a writer, all men 
swore, They never had not read before. 

Jorrock Wormley 

UNITARIAN, n.One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. 

UNIVERSALIST, n.One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for 
personsof another faith. 

URBANITY, n.The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe 
todwellers in all cities but New York.Its commonest expression isheard in 
the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent withdisregard of 
the rights of others. 

The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill -- Something 
his mind foreboded --When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviled 
human kidney!Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted from 
his head; "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; "I didn't know 'twas loaded." 

Swatkin 

USAGE, n.The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second 
andThird being Custom and Conventionality.Imbued with a 
decentreverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope 

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toproduce books that will live as long as the fashion. 

UXORIOUSNESS, n.A perverted affection that has strayed to one's 
ownwife. 

V


VALOR, n.A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the 
gambler'shope. "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a 
division andChickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, 
at once." "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I 
ampersuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bringthem 
into collision with the enemy." 

VANITY, n.The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. 

They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the 
eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of 
mankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen 
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and 
I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-major 
in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --
Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! 
Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will 
never hurt you? 

Hannibal Hunsiker 
VIRTUES, n.pl.Certain abstentions. 
VITUPERATION, n.Saite, as understood by dunces and all such 
assuffer from an impediment in their wit. 
VOTE, n.The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make 
afool of himself and a wreck of his country. 

W


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W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the onlycumbrous 
name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.Thisadvantage of the 
Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valuedafter audibly spelling 
out some simple Greek word, like_epixoriambikos_.Still, it is now thought 
by the learned that otheragencies than the difference of the two alphabets 
may have beenconcerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and 
the riseof "the grandeur that was Rome."There can be no doubt, however, 
thatby simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) 
ourcivilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. 

WALL STREET, n.A symbol for sin for every devil to 
rebuke.ThatWall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves 
everyunsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.Even the great 
andgood Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. 

Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle:"The brokers are 
parasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; Keep the wind of 
your slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, 
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: Ben Lomond is calling his 
son from the fray -- Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! While 
still you're possessed of a single baubee (I wish it were pledged to 
endowment of me) 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance Lest its 
value decline ere your credit advance. For a man 'twixt a king of finance 
and the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! 

Anonymus Bink 

WAR, n.A by-product of the arts of peace.The most 
menacingpolitical condition is a period of international amity.The 
studentof history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may 
justlyboast himself inaccessible to the light."In time of peace preparefor 
war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,not 
merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is theone 
immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thicklysown with 
the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germinationand growth.It 
was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasuredome" -- when, 
that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting inXanadu -- that he 

heard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war. 

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One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest ofmen, 
and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable.Let ushave a little 
less of "hands across the sea," and a little more ofthat elemental distrust 
that is the security of nations.War loves tocome like a thief in the night; 
professions of eternal amity providethe night. 

WASHINGTONIAN, n.A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the 
privilege ofgoverning himself for the advantage of good government.In 
justice tohim it should be said that he did not want to. 

They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he had 
earned, to _eat_ his bread. In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, 
To come again and part him from his roll. 

Offenbach Stutz 

WEAKNESSES, n.pl.Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman 
wherewith sheholds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to 
theservice of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. 

WEATHER, n.The climate of the hour.A permanent topic 
ofconversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who 
haveinherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked 
arborealancestors whom it keenly concerned.The setting up official 
weatherbureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even 
governmentsare accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. 

Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the 
Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- Dead and damned and shut in 
Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom paralleled 
on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth, 
From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast his 
eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos 
what I venture here to quote -- For I read it in the rose-light of the 
everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; 
snow." 

Halcyon Jones 

WEDDING, n.A ceremony at which two persons undertake to 
become one,one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to 
becomesupportable. 

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WEREWOLF, n.A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a 
man.Allwerewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form 
togratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are 
ashumane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some 
Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied itto a post by the 
tail and went to bed.The next morning nothing wasthere!Greatly perplexed, 
they consulted the local priest, who toldthem that their captive was 
undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed itshuman for during the 
night."The next time that you take a wolf," thegood man said, "see that 
you chain it by the leg, and in the morningyou will find a Lutheran." 

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n.In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an 
unexpectedaffliction that strikes hard. 

Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible bigsmiling, With its labial extension, With its maxillar distortion And its 
diaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of an ocean, Like the shaking of 
a carpet, I should answer, I should tell you: From the great deeps of the 
spirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter welleth 
As the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon [sic], To 
entoken and give warning That my present mood is sunny. Should you ask 
me further question -- Why the great deeps of the spirit, Why the 
unplummeted abysmus Of the soule extrudes this laughter, This all audible 
big-smiling, I should answer, I should tell you With a white heart, 
tumpitumpy, With a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he has 
Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah! 

Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, Standing in the marsh, the 
kneedeep, Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossed 
behind him And his neck close-reefed before him, With his bill, his 
william, buried In the down upon his bosom, With his head retracted inly, 
While his shoulders overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, 
Shiver grayly in the north wind, Wishing he had died when little, As the 
sparrow, the chipchip, does? No 'tis not the Shankank standing, Standing 
in the gray and dismal Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. No, 'tis 
peerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught the 
Whangdepootenawah! 

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WHEAT, n.A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with 
somedifficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.The French 
aresaid to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any otherpeople, 
which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuffpalatable. 

WHITE, adj. and n.Black. 

WIDOW, n.A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed totake 
humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was oneof the 
most marked features of his character. 

WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian 
Unionas "liquor," sometimes as "rum."Wine, madam, is God's next best 
giftto man. 

WIT, n.The salt with which the American humorist spoils 
hisintellectual cookery by leaving it out.WITCH, n.(1)Any ugly and 
repulsive old woman, in a wicked leaguewith the devil.(2)A beautiful and 
attractive young woman, inwickedness a league beyond the devil. 

WITTICISM, n.A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and 
seldomnoted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." 

WOMAN, n. 

An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having 
arudimentary susceptibility to domestication.It is credited bymany of the 
elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docilityacquired in a former state 
of seclusion, but naturalists of thepostsusananthony period, having no 
knowledge of the seclusion,deny the virtue and declare that such as 
creation's dawn beheld,it roareth now.The species is the most widely 
distributed of allbeasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, 
fromGreeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand.The popularname 
(wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is 
lithe and graceful in its movement, especially theAmerican variety (_felis 
pugnans_), is omnivorous and can betaught not to talk. 

Balthasar Pober 

WORMS'-MEAT, n.The finished product of which we are the 
rawmaterial.The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and 
theGranitarium.Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure 
thathouses it, but "this too must pass away."Probably the silliest workin 

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which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb forhimself.The 
solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates bycontrast the 
foreknown futility. 

Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor you 
bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence The tenant neither can 
admire nor know. 

Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grassroots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what to 
you would be a moment's span. 

Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble is all 
dust, arise, If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn --You'll think you 
scarcely can have closed your eyes. 

What though of all man's works your tomb alone Should stand till 
Time himself be overthrown? Would it advantage you to dwell therein 
Forever as a stain upon a stone? 

Joel Huck 

WORSHIP, n.Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction 
andfine finish of Deus Creatus.A popular form of abjection, having 
anelement of pride. 

WRATH, n.Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate 
toexalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of 
God,""the day of wrath," etc.Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings 
wasdeemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god 
forits fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest.The Greeksbefore 
Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of thefrying-pan of 
the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath ofAchilles, though 
Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried norroasted.A similar 
noted immunity was that of David when he incurredthe wrath of Yahveh 
by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whompaid the penalty with 
their lives.God is now Love, and a director ofthe census performs his work 
without apprehension of disaster. 

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X


X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibilityto 
the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, willdoubtless last as 
long as the language.X is the sacred symbol of tendollars, and in such 
words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not,as is popular supposed, 
because it represents a cross, but because thecorresponding letter in the 
Greek alphabet is the initial of his name-- _Xristos_.If it represented a 
cross it would stand for St.Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that 
shape.In the algebra ofpsychology x stands for Woman's mind.Words 
beginning with X areGrecian and will not be defined in this standard 
English dictionary. 

Y 

YANKEE, n.In Europe, an American.In the Northern States of 
ourUnion, a New Englander.In the Southern States the word is unknown. 
(See DAMNYANK.) 

YEAR, n.A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 

YESTERDAY, n.The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the 
entirepast of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand 
high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak 
And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land 
invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, 
and witch-fires freak The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. Yea, 
yesterday my soul was all aflame To stay the shadow on the dial's face At 
manhood's noonmark!Now, in God His name I chide aloud the little 
interspace Disparting me from Certitude, and fain Would know the dream 
and vision ne'er again. 

Baruch Arnegriff 

It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff wasattended at 

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different times by seven doctors. 

YOKE, n.An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we 
oweone of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word 
thatdefines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. 
A thousand apologies for withholding it. 

YOUTH, n.The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a 
fulcrum,Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor 
ofendowing a living Homer. 

Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earthagain, when 
figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed withwhistles and, wearing 
silken bristles, live ever in clover, andclows fly over, delivering milk at 
every door, and Justice neveris heard to snore, and every assassin is made 
a ghost and,howling, is cast into Baltimost! 

Polydore Smith 

Z 

ZANY, n.A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated 
withludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore 
theape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious charactersof 
the play.The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, aswe to-day 
have the unhappiness to know him.In the zany we see anexample of 
creation; in the humorist, of transmission.Anotherexcellent specimen of 
the modern zany is the curate, who apes therector, who apes the bishop, 
who apes the archbishop, who apes thedevil. 

ZANZIBARI, n.An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off 
theeastern coast of Africa.The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are bestknown 
in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident thatoccurred a 
few years ago.The American consul at the capital occupieda dwelling that 
faced the sea, with a sandy beach between.Greatly tothe scandal of this 
official's family, and against repeatedremonstrances of the official himself, 
the people of the citypersisted in using the beach for bathing.One day a 
woman came downto the edge of the water and was stooping to remove 

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her attire (a pairof sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, 
fired a chargeof bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. 
Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two greatnations, 
she was the Sultana. 

ZEAL, n.A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young 
andinexperienced.A passion that goeth before a sprawl. 

When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away 
exclaiming:"O my Lord!" "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending 
down. "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." 

Jum Coople 

ZENITH, n.The point in the heavens directly overhead to a 
manstanding or a growing cabbage.A man in bed or a cabbage in the potis 
not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of thematter 
there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, someholding 
that the posture of the body was immaterial.These werecalled 
Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists.TheHorizontalist heresy was 
finally extinguished by Xanobus, thephilosopher-king of Abara, a zealous 
Verticalist.Entering anassembly of philosophers who were debating the 
matter, he cast asevered human head at the feet of his opponents and asked 
them todetermine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by 
theheels outside.Observing that it was the head of their leader, 
theHorizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to 
whateveropinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism 
took itsplace among _fides defuncti_. 

ZEUS, n.The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as 
Jupiterand by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.Some 
explorerswho have touched upon the shores of America, and one who 
professes tohave penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have 
thoughtthat these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in 
hismonumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the 
nativesare monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom 
heworships under many sacred names. 

ZIGZAG, v.t.To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as 
onecarrying the white man's burden.(From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, 

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anIcelandic word of unknown meaning.) 

He zedjagged so uncomen wyde Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; So, 
to com saufly thruh, I been Constreynet for to doodge betwene. 

Munwele 

ZOOLOGY, n.The science and history of the animal kingdom, 
includingits king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_).The father of 
Zoologywas Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its 
motherhas not come down to us.Two of the science's most 
illustriousexpounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of 
whom welearn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of 
AnimatedNature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. 

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